Labor of Love
by hjlbsw77
Summary: 7x10 Darvey AU. What if things had happened differently? Would Donna and Harvey have gotten their "happily ever after"
1. Prologue

A/N I can't tell you how long I have waited to be able to bring you this story. It is literally a story a year in the making. It is very appropriately titled "Labor of Love" because that's exactly what it is. I started writing this story before Season 8 started. Then all hell broke loose. My mom got very sick and we didn't think she was going to make it and then I had back to back health problems myself and life just stayed crazy. It had always been my intention to finish this story completely before I started posting but I have come to realize that if I don't get it out there I might never actually finish it. Never fear this story already has an epilogue written so I know exactly where it is going. This is the longest story I have ever written and I am extremely thrilled to finally start sharing it with all of you. To those of you who have been on this journey with me this past year, I thank you for your input. A special thank you to my girl Nathalie for reading and giving feedback on this story a few months ago when I thought I might be ready to start back working on it. And last but certainly not least, I don't even know that I can find the words to thank my bestie Stefanie (COOPaulsen on Twitter/Andelin on FF). She has been with me on this ride since day one. She has sat with me, from across the Atlantic, and worked on this story with me for countless hours. She has made contributions that I will never be able to repay and without her. I can absolutely say without a doubt that this story would never have been posted. If you haven't already, you definitely need to check out the stories that she has written.

It goes without saying that I don't own Suits or its characters and I definitely don't own Donna and Harvey, although sometimes I feel like they own me. There are some original characters in this story one of which does totally and completely own my heart.

This is just a quick teaser. I plan to post chapter 1 tomorrow and hopefully update at least weekly after that.

* * *

Labor of Love

Prologue

I wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare this morning. A nightmare about Donna. She was screaming and I could tell she was in pain. I couldn't see her. I couldn't get to her. It rocked me to my core. I couldn't remember ever even having a nightmare about Donna unless you count the one where I found her and Travis Tanner in my bed. Which I would. But this was different.

The phone rings and I see that it's Mike.

"What's wrong with Donna?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've just had this feeling all morning that something was wrong. Is she okay?"

"While that is extremely weird, and we should totally discuss the very strange connection that you have with Donna at a later date, I was actually calling to tell you that you need to come to Seattle."

"Mike, what's wrong with Donna?"

"I don't have time to go into details, but you do need to get here as soon as possible."

"Mike."

"She needs you, Harvey."


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: I want to take a moment to thank everyone who read and reviewed the prologue to this story. It was meant to be short and it was meant to draw you in. This story does have a bit of a mystery to it. I hope you all will continue to love this story. It will be told in alternating POV Donna, Harvey, and Mike's. I've done something a little extra and created an IG page for this story. I will be including inspiration pics that I used a lot the way. A lot of them would be spoilers if seen before you read so although I definitely encourage you to follow the account 'laboroflovefic' I would also say that if you don't plan to read the updates right away I would mute the account once you follow it. I am keeping it a private account due to its nature so you will have to follow it to see it. I will also wait until the day after posting the chapter before posting pics in order to give most people time to read the updates before I post.

Special shoutout once again to my bestie Stefanie (COOPaulsen on Twitter and Andelin on FF) for being the best beta and content contributor a writer could ever ask for.

* * *

Labor of Love

**Donna's POV**

It has been a week since that night in my office. For days, Harvey and I tiptoed around each other. I apologized for my actions, but he was cold and distant and I could see the guilt and anger in his eyes.

I hoped we would be able to get past what happened, until yesterday, when Stu Buzzini showed up in my office and handed me a job offer. I knew immediately that Harvey was behind it. I told Stu that I would think about it and then gone straight to Harvey to confront him.

~oOo~

_"I want to know why you did it."_

_"Because Paula said she doesn't think we'd survive if you and I keep working together."_

_"Thought we were over that."_

_"Well, she's not."_

_"Then why didn't you come to me and explain the situation? Or even have the balls, just to fire me?" _

_"I could never fire you."_

_"Well, this doesn't feel any different, Harvey, 'cause I don't want to go work with Stu. I want to stay here in the position that I fought to get and that I love and that I know I deserve."_

_"I know you do, too."_

_"Then why didn't you stand up for me? _

_"Because you put me in this position."_

_"It was one mistake, Harvey. One in 13 years. Now I'm gonna lose my job because of it?" _

_"Donna, what do you want me to say?" _

_"I would've wanted you to tell her that after everything we've been through, making me leave isn't fair._

_I would've wanted you to come to me, instead of going to Stu behind my back, but most of all, I want you to be there for me _now,_ like I've been there for you every single day."_

_"Do you think I don't hate this? I do you think I haven't wracked my brain, trying to figure some other way out of it? Because I have, Donna, but I don't see one."_

_Back in my office, I sit thinking for hours before coming to a decision. I type up my resignation, print and sign it, before packing up the few personal items that I have in my office._

_I walk to my door, turn, and take one last look around. Going into Harvey's empty office next door, I leave the letter on his desk for him to find. _

_I take a detour down the hall to Harvey's old office and the desk that I worked on for over a decade. With one final look, I wish a silent goodbye to all of the memories that Harvey and I made here. I am barely able to hold back my tears as I walk to the elevators, taking in all of the offices and people around me that I wouldn't be working with anymore, before finally pressing the button. _

_The elevator seems to take forever to arrive and yet it comes way too quickly. I smile at the security guard on my way out of the building. Frank has always been really sweet to me. I will miss him. _

_I break down in the cab on my way home. In the comfort of my bedroom, I cry for hours before exhausting myself and falling into an unrestful sleep. I guess I thought, or rather, hoped that he would try and stop me. After all these years, I couldn't believe that he was just going to let it end this way. With a typed letter late at night. No goodbyes, nothing._

~oOo~

I wake up this morning to my phone going off with non-stop calls and text messages. The small amount of hope that I have, disappears when I discover that none of these calls or texts are from Harvey. He is really going to let me do this. I quickly pack a bag. I have to get out of here. Out of this room, out of this building and out of this town, at least for a while. I need to think about what will be next. Do I want to go work for Stu? Or do I want to do something different with my life?

I still have money left from 'The Donna' even after the buy-in at the firm, and Harvey and Louis will have to give me that money back. I can afford to take some time off to decide what I want to do next. Do I want to stay in New York City or make a fresh start somewhere new? I leave the house with no plan on where I am going, but I have to get away. With my bag and purse in hand, I hail a cab to Grand Central Station. On the ride, I come up with a destination - Saranac Lake in the Adirondacks - where I book a room at _The Point_. The website says its a secluded 75-acre estate. It seems like the perfect place to "unplug". There are no televisions, limited cell phone service and limited wi-fi in the office. After making the reservation I turn my phone off. I will send Rachel an email about the wedding tomorrow.

As I wait for the train, I pick up a few magazines, a book, and a snack to take with me. After finding a seat, I send a quick text to Louis letting him know that I am okay. I know he probably told someone that he "needed a day" by now.

Before the train takes off, I send a joint text to Rachel and Mike as well:

_Don't worry about me. I'm going to be alright. Don't think I have forgotten about your upcoming wedding. Everything is on schedule and I will definitely be back in time. I just need some time away to think about what comes next. I love you both. I'll be in touch when I am ready to talk._

I spend the first half of the ride sleeping. The past week has been emotionally draining and the last twenty-four hours have been the absolute worst of it. The other half, I am staring out the window, watching the world go by. The irony of that isn't lost on me. My world stopped yesterday but in reality, it keeps on spinning.

It is late afternoon when I arrive at the lodge and after checking in and freshening up, I go downstairs and grab a cup of tea and walk down to the edge of the lake, taking a seat in one of the many Adirondack chairs. I am wearing jeans and a heavy sweater but there is still a chill in the air, so I grab the lightweight blanket off the back of the chair and wrap it around me. I sit here, looking out at the smooth water, the moon and starlit sky and for the first time in what feels like forever, I have a sense of peace. I really hope that this getaway is exactly what I need. That it will give me the time, space and clarity to figure out what comes next.

I go to bed that night and fall asleep easily. I sleep peacefully all night long and wake up feeling hopeful and refreshed.

Over the next week, I spend my days by the water or on the porch just taking in the scenery or reading. I shop a little and take a few yoga classes offered nearby. But mostly, I just think a lot. I spend my evenings curled up in a chair by the fireplace in my room, and my nights curled up in one of the most comfortable beds I have ever slept in. The room is dark wood with light blue accents and it feels like home. The way a home should feel like if your home wasn't broken. Heartbroken.

I wish more than anything that I didn't have to leave the firm. Leave my friends. Leave Harvey. Leave a part of myself behind. Because that's what Harvey is. He's a part of me and he always will be. But I just didn't know what else to do. Even two weeks after that night in my office and a week after leaving my resignation on his desk I still haven't heard from him. He's made it painfully clear that he didn't want anything else to do with me. Not professionally or personally.

Once the week was over, I know what I need to do and I know what I wanted to do, I just hope that it is the right thing.

Arriving home, I go through my mail and finally turn my phone back on. I hadn't turned it on since arriving at the lodge. I have messages and text from Rachel, Mike, Louis, and a few other people but I am not surprised to find that there still isn't anything from Harvey. He made his intentions perfectly clear before I left.

My first call is to Rachel. We haven't talked on the phone but have exchanged a few emails about the wedding. I made it clear in my first message that I didn't want to talk about Harvey or why I resigned. I felt guilty about leaving town so close to the wedding, so we emailed back and forth about that. She told me about the offer they received to run the clinic in Seattle. Their nuptials were scheduled for two months from now, but they have to start their new jobs sooner and so they moved the wedding to next week. I left the lodge sooner than I planned, so I can be there for Rachel. She couldn't imagine getting married without her best friend by her side and I won't miss it for the world.

She picks up after the second ring.

"Well hi there. Are you back?"

"Just got in about an hour ago. Are you at home?"

"I am but how about I come to you."

"Thanks, Rach."

"Anytime."

Twenty minutes later Rachel is at my front door with a bottle of wine and a container of Chunky Monkey in her hands. I am in her arms, sobbing the minute we sit down on the couch.

"Tell me what happened Donna."

I tell her about that night in my office, Stu's job offer and Harvey choosing Paula over me. Rachel just listens, while comfortingly rubbing my arm. When I am done, she gathers me into her arms and I just cry on her shoulder.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Well actually, that depends on you and Mike."

"What do you mean?"

"I was wondering how you would feel about me moving to Seattle and working with you two."

"I think I can speak for Mike when I say that we would love for you to come with us. But are you sure you want to pick up your whole life and move across the country?"

"Isn't that what you and Mike are doing?"

"Mike and I are accepting an amazing career opportunity. You are trying to get away from Harvey."

"I can't stay here Rachel. Not in this apartment, not in this town. This place holds too many memories. If these walls could talk they could write a book. A long, heartbreaking novel."

"If you are really sure, then Mike and I would love to have you. We will have to discuss what you would be doing, but God knows we would be lucky to have you at the clinic and even luckier to have you in our lives. I was dreading having to leave my best friend behind and now I don't have to."

We talk for another hour about the upcoming wedding and the big move. Rachel shows me pictures of their new house and I am getting really excited about starting over. We giggle over the bad design choices Mike already tried to make and while the bottle of wine is left untouched, the tub of ice cream didn't survive the evening.

After she leaves, I go online and start looking at places to live in Seattle. Rachel gave me the address for the clinic so I am looking at places that won't be too far away. I find a few I like and send an email to a realtor with my requirements. She comes back with dates to show me the properties just an hour later.

I don't give myself time to rethink the move and the next week, I spend packing up all of my belongings. Since I don't have a new house in Seattle yet, I am leaving the majority of my stuff here for the rest of the month and arrange to have it shipped once I find a new home. It is time for a fresh start.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you to all those who read this story and especially to those who left reviews. I am so thrilled with the response that this story has received. Of all the stories that I have written, this one holds such a special place in my heart and your love for it means so much. A special shoutout once again to my bestie Stefanie (COOPaulsen on Twitter/Andelin on FF).

Also wanted to remind everyone about the IG page for laboroflovefic. I will update for Chapter 2 tomorrow after people have had time to read it. I reposted for Chapter 1 today because several of my pics did not post. Enjoy!

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_Chapter 2_

The last six days flew by in a flurry of activity. The days I spent on the phone with florists and caterers, while the nights were spent surrounded by moving boxes and suitcases. It is now Friday evening, the day before Mike and Rachel's wedding. I put my big girl panties on, sucked it up and walked into the rehearsal with the best smile I could muster. Fake it till you make it, isn't that right? Rachel and I have a hotel room upstairs and are planning a girl's night for later.

Harvey wasn't able to make the rehearsal. According to Mike, he went to Chicago to help Jessica with a case and no one was sure if he was going to make it back in time. Personally, I was hoping to get away with not seeing him before I leave, but for Mike's sake, I want Harvey to make it back. He is Mike's family in all the ways that count and it wouldn't be the same without him.

After the rehearsal dinner, I give Rachel a few minutes alone with Mike and go to our room by myself. I am happy for my friends, but being confronted with what I will likely never have for myself, still hits me hard. I allow myself a ten-minute tear fest and then put my happy face back on for Rachel. This isn't about me, this is about Mike and Rachel. Tomorrow night after the wedding, I will check out of the hotel and head for the airport. My flight to Seattle is booked and the suitcases that I will be taking with me are standing in the corner of the hotel room. I am leaving. Leaving New York City. Leaving the home and family that has been a part of my life for over a decade. Leaving Harvey. I am making a fresh start and as much as it hurt, I know it is the right thing to do. And at least I have Mike and Rachel. That will make it hurt less. At least I hope it will.

Rachel and I talk for a while and then curl up in bed to watch a movie that neither one of us sees the end of. We both need the sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.

~oOo~

Harvey shows up with just minutes to spare, so I manage to avoid him until it was time to walk down the aisle. The only real blessing is that Paula didn't come with him, presumably because it wasn't for sure if he was going to make it and Paula herself isn't close enough to Mike and Rachel to attend on her own.

The ceremony feels like the longest thirty minutes of my life. As soon as it is over, I get as far away from Harvey as I can without actually leaving the room. Seeing him all dressed up in a tux and smiling with his friends makes being around him even harder. I step out onto the balcony several times just to catch my breath and keep myself from sobbing. When it is time for me to leave, I say my goodbyes to Mike and Rachel and tell them I will see them in Seattle. They don't have time for a real honeymoon, but they will go for a long weekend in San Diego before starting their new lives. I tearfully bid goodbye to Louis, Katrina and a few other people from the firm before making my way over to the bar where Harvey is standing, talking to Robert.

Just as I approach the bar area, Robert walks away in the opposite direction and Harvey's eyes instantly connect with mine.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I wanted to tell you what an amazing job you did planning the wedding. Everything was perfect."

"Thank you."

"Rachel said that you left town for a while."

"Yeah. I went to the Adirondacks for a week. Just to clear my head, you know."

Harvey nods in understanding.

"Well, I'm getting ready to head out. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted."

"It really has. A good night's sleep will be just what we both need."

"I'm sure it wouldn't hurt."

"Well, I guess I will see you around."

"I guess so."

"Goodnight, Donna."

"Goodbye, Harvey."

As I turn to walk away, he pulls me back in for a hug and I take the opportunity to sneak the envelope that I am holding into his pocket. It will be easier this way. I whisper a final goodbye as I walk away.

I requested the bellhop to collect my bags and after changing out of my dress, I met him outside the hotel. I get into a cab and as it heads towards the airport, tears are already starting to fall.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

I wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare one August morning. A nightmare about Donna. She was screaming and I could tell she was in pain. I couldn't see her. I couldn't get to her. It rocked me to the core. I couldn't remember ever even having a nightmare about Donna unless you count the one where I found her and Travis Tanner in my bed. Which I would. But this is different.

I shake it off and get ready to head to the firm. The first thing my eyes focus on when I walk into my office is the cactus that Donna gave me. I brought it with me and placed it on my desk months ago. Donna might have left, but the small plant means that a piece of her is still with me. Her presence has always given me a sense of security. She always had faith in me. Faith in my abilities as an attorney. The belief that I will always do the right thing in the end. That I can be a better man.

I try to go on with my day but I can't get Donna out of my head today. It isn't unusual for me to think of her, but today feels different. I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I check my watch and realize that it is already 1:12 PM. I thought more about Donna in the last four hours than in all the months since she left. I decide to call Mike because I know she won't answer if I call her directly, but I feel the need to check on her.

Before I can dial, the phone starts ringing and I see that it's Mike.

"What's wrong with Donna?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've just had this feeling all morning that something was wrong. Is she okay?"

"While that is extremely weird, and we should totally discuss the very strange connection you have with Donna at a later date, I was actually calling to tell you that you need to come to Seattle."

Suddenly my breath quickens, my throat tightens and my stomach clenches.

"Mike, what's wrong with Donna?"

"I can't explain right now, but you do need to get here as soon as possible."

"Mike."

"She needs you, Harvey."

"I will be there as soon as possible. I will take the company jet, so I don't have to wait."

"Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?"

"No. Stay with Donna. Whatever it is, she needs you more than I do. I'll call you when I land and you can let me know where to meet you."

"Okay. See you soon."

I run out of the office and back downstairs where Ray is already waiting. I ask him to drive to my place as quickly as he can. We make it in record time and I dash upstairs and pack a bag. I'm sure I forgot something but I can buy anything I forgot once I'm there. Grabbing my laptop and phone, I am back out within minutes.

Ray is still waiting for me and we head to the airport as soon as I get in. I called ahead to get the jet ready and messaged my secretary to clear my schedule for the rest of the week.

As we pull onto the airfield, I see one of the crew members heading up the steps of the jet. They stop when they see me coming.

"We will be ready in about ten minutes, Mr. Specter."

I grab my bag and briefcase from the back seat and send Ray home. He wishes me luck and I board the plane.

I try calling Mike again, but it goes straight to voicemail. I try Rachel next but it goes to voicemail as well. I am just about to take a chance and call Donna's phone when the stewardess asks me to get ready for take-off. I shut my phone off and pray that everything will be okay.

I know that people will consider it odd that I just jump on a plane to fly across the country for her, especially when she didn't even tell me that she was leaving all those months ago.

But this is Donna. She is different. She is special.

The long flight gives me time to think about all that has happened since Donna left and all the things I've come to realize in the past few months.

~oOo~

_Donna and I walk down the aisle together at the beginning of Mike and Rachel's wedding ceremony. I was running late and wasn't able to talk to her before the wedding. The few looks that we share during the vows are short and uncomfortable. After our walk back up the aisle at the end, Donna gets as far away from me as she possibly can. _

_She approaches me about an hour later to tell me she is leaving. I reach for her hand as she starts walking away and I pull her back in for a hug. When we part, I see the tears in her eyes, as one falls down her beautiful face. I want to reach up to wipe it away but before I can, she whispers her goodbye and is gone. On my way home, I feel something crinkle in the pocket of my jacket. Reaching in, I find an envelope with my name on it, in her handwriting. I am scared to open it. Like it might actually bite me. But I slowly open it up anyway and start to read her letter. _

_Dear Harvey,_

_How do you find the words to truly say goodbye to the most important person in your life? I wish someone would tell me. "Goodbye" just doesn't seem like enough. You have been the center of my universe almost since the night I met you. The few times that I decided to do something selfish, have ended in disaster for us. I hate that my actions have damaged our friendship and working relationship beyond repair. That was never my intention. That night, Mike told me that if I ever wanted to be with you, I needed to tell you before it was too late. Louis had come by just before you walked in, talking about Sheila and how she was getting married and he couldn't help thinking that he was losing his soulmate forever. He said he just wished that she could see that he was her soulmate and that he was standing right in front of her._

_When you walked in, I was almost in a haze. I didn't think, I just reacted. I'm sorry for kissing you and for everything that happened afterwards. I'm sorry that I put you in that position with Paula. I could see it in your eyes the moment it was over. The regret, the shame, the anger. I think I knew at that moment that we would never be able to go back. It's why I had the rule. We did good though. For fourteen years we managed to keep it together. Side by side we accomplished so much. The years that I spent with you were the best years of my life. I'll never regret them. _

_I'm leaving for Seattle tonight. Saying goodbye to you was the last thing I did before leaving. I wish I could have found the words to tell you in person, but I just didn't know how. I wish you so much happiness Harvey. It's all I have ever wanted. I have always hoped that we would eventually find happiness together, but I finally realized that I'm not who you want and that I never will be. Maybe one day we can be friends again, but for now, I need to get away from you and all of the memories that this city holds. They aren't all bad, in fact, most of them are good but right now even the good memories hurt too much. They make it hard for me to breathe, but you just make it impossible. Be happy Harvey. Goodbye. _

_With all the love in the world,_

_Donna_

~oOo~

It was heartbreaking to read her words. To know that I hurt her so badly. At the wedding, I thought she was just going home for the night. I never expected her to leave the city for good. I wanted to ask her to come back to the firm once I heard that she didn't take Stu's offer. I planned to call her the next day to ask her about it. I told Paula that making Donna leave wasn't fair and promised that nothing would ever happen between us ever again. That there was no threat to Donna remaining at the firm.

After I read the letter, I knew in my heart that if I wanted Donna to ever consider coming back to New York, I would need to give her the time and space now. So I let her go, in an effort to stop hurting her.

I love her. I always loved her - in so many different ways. Over the years, she brought up the issue of "more" multiple times, but I always found a way to screw it up and in the process, hurting the person I loved the most in this world. She was never able to hide the hurt in her eyes afterward.

After everything we have been through, I knew that neither of us ever imagined that there would be a time when we wouldn't be working together, much less not even living in the same city or state. I certainly couldn't have fathomed that we would ever live across the country from each other.

Donna had been right outside my office for the better part of fourteen years. Even when she worked with Louis, she was just down the hall and as COO she was right next door. Now, I can't even pick up the phone to call her. It breaks my heart that I ever let it get this far. Had I known, I would have handled everything differently.

Ever since Mike's call, I can't help thinking that I might never get a chance to make it right ever again.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: There are three songs mentioned in this chapter. Due to FF restrictions, I did not include the lyrics. I do recommend you go and listen to them if possible to give you a better idea of where Donna is in her thinking and why Harvey reacts the way that he does in this chapter and others as well. Once again, huge shoutout to my bestie Stefanie for all of her help as always. Just a reminder that the IG account that goes with this will be updated tomorrow to give most everyone time to read the chapter first. Hope you continue to enjoy this Darvey journey.

_Chapter 3_

The flight attendant keeps offering me drinks but I don't want to cloud my head when Donna needs me. Instead, I look around the private plane and think back to the last time that I saw her.

_Several weeks after the wedding I fly to Seattle for a fundraising gala for Mike and Rachel's new firm. I knew that I would see Donna while I am there, but she still takes my breath away when she enters Mike's office. I can tell that she didn't expect me to be here because she stops dead in her tracks when she lays eyes on me. She recovers quickly, as Donna always does, while it takes me a bit longer to find my voice - and my breath - again. I stand to greet her and we awkwardly hug. Donna is dressed for the cold weather in slacks, a coat, and scarf - more relaxed clothes than she would wear back home. I wanted to use this trip to at least try to fix our friendship. Letting her out of my embrace, I keep my hand on her arm, stopping her from leaving. _

"_Do you have time for coffee? I would really like to talk." _

_I give her a cautious smile. _

"_Sorry, but I really have to go to the venue. Set up for the gala."_

"_Maybe later then? Or I could meet you for lunch tomorrow?"_

_She avoids my gaze. _

"_I don't think that's a good idea."_

_My hold on her arm tightens slightly. _

"_Donna, please."_

_She pulls her arm out of my grip and pulls it closer to her body, hugging herself. _

"_I'm sorry, Harvey, I don't want to hurt you, but I'm just not ready. You will have to understand that." She pulls her coat closer around herself. "I have to go now."_

_Turning away from me, she quickly informs Mike that she would meet everyone at the venue later and is gone as quickly as she arrived. I look at Mike. _

"_How is she doing?"_

"_She is settling in nicely. We all are. It's more relaxed here, less pressure, so that took some getting used to. But she's Donna. She excels at everything."_

"_And how is she really doing? Outside of work?" _

"_She seems sad sometimes. Which is to be expected I guess. She needed the change and we are fortunate that she came to help us out. And I hope that having us close helps her out as well." _

_The look he gives me is one of pity and curiosity. I'm sure he would love to talk to me about how I'm doing, but I quickly swerve the conversation to the clinic work. _

_We talk a bit about his current cases and then I head to the hotel to get ready for the night._

_~oOo~_

_Entering the venue, I spot Donna immediately. She is walking down the staircase into the lobby space being used for the cocktail portion of the evening. She looks absolutely stunning, as always. I have always been able to appreciate her beauty. The soft black halter dress she is wearing shows off her perfectly sculpted shoulders and toned arms. The soft chiffon overlay hangs from her body at alternating angles and lengths, while the satin layer underneath ends right above her knees. Her soft, pale skin contrasts with the darkness of the dress, making her appear angelic. As always she has paired it with a killer black strappy heels that show off her long, toned legs. We look up at the same time and make eye contact instantly. She smiles but it definitely wasn't the "Donna" smile that I was used to from the last fourteen years. There is a sadness about it that breaks my heart. Throughout the cocktail party, I subconsciously look for her again and again, although I wasn't sure why. I am still with Paula. I am happy with her. But I also miss my friend, my best friend. _

_Despite seeking her out, I do not get another opportunity to actually talk to her by the time we sit down for dinner. There are eight of us at the table: Mike, Rachel, Donna, Andy Forsyth, his wife, Mike and Rachel's assistant Olivia, Donna's assistant Kaitlin, and myself. With so many people present, I can't have the talk with Donna that I really want to have. So far it has all been light conversation with Olivia who is sitting to my left. I don't have a clear view of Donna with her own assistant sitting between us. I am wondering who was responsible for the seating chart. I remain pretty much silent for the rest of the dinner. I tell myself that I will try to talk to Donna again before the end of the night or maybe before I head to the airport the following day. But that never happened. _

I watch the clouds go by outside the small airplane window, everything inside me reliving the regret I felt during that trip. I wish that I had stayed. Stayed and tried harder. Tried to apologize. Tried to make things right. I'm not usually a praying person, but today, on my way to finally see her again, I have found myself praying almost repeatedly that I get the chance to make things right with her again.

~oOo~

**Mike POV**

I end my phone call to Harvey and let out a deep breath. I am worrying about Donna and about what will be waiting for Harvey when he finally arrives. I can't help thinking about the last time they saw each other during the gala. I still remember watching them both all night, but especially Harvey as he kept his eyes locked on Donna.

_The gala is in full swing and just before they come round to serve dessert, I stand up to take the stage. _

"_For those of you who don't know me, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Mike Ross and my wife Rachel and I run the 'Hope for the Future' Legal Clinic. I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for supporting us this evening. When Rachel and I were approached by Andy Forsyth and asked to come run the clinic we were honored. We were both comfortable in our corporate positions, but our true passion was the pro bonos we took on. It didn't take us long to make the decision to take the job, as it would give us the best of both worlds. It meant moving our wedding up, postponing a honeymoon, and moving our entire lives across the country, but this room full of supporters proves that it was worth it. When Rachel and I became lawyers, we both wanted to make a difference in people's lives. We wanted to make the world a better place. We knew that this clinic could do that and we are so excited to be a part of it. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for being here and for all of the contributions made here tonight, either by direct donation or through the silent auction."_

_I take a moment to look at our table. Rachel was smiling at me, Donna was fiddling with her napkin and Harvey's attention was split between me and his former secretary. _

_I take a deep breath before continuing. _

"_I would also like to take this opportunity to acknowledge someone who has been very important in the clinic's success so far. She has been an amazing friend to Rachel and me for years and we consider her part of our family. When we made the decision to accept this opportunity, she offered to make the move with us and we could not have been more thrilled. Wherever she goes, she leaves people in awe and she is the glue that holds us all together." _

_I could see the sadness but pride in Harvey's eyes all the way from up here. _

"_We probably could have done it without her, but we definitely wouldn't have wanted to. When we were planning this evening, we wanted to introduce her to all of you, in a way that would both represent and honor her. For over ten years she was a legal secretary at our law firm in New York. About a year ago she finally received the recognition she deserved and was promoted to COO, a title that she maintained during her move to the clinic. She has been integral in staffing and structuring the clinic and quite literally kept Rachel and me from going crazy these past few weeks."_

_I turn towards the redhead and mouth a "Thank you" to her. I turn my gaze back to Harvey, curious about his reaction. _

"_But neither a legal or business career was her original goal. She wanted to be an actress. She's performed in multiple plays and musicals over the years and trust me when I tell you, because I've heard her on more than one occasion, this woman has the voice of an angel. So it's no surprise that we asked her to sing tonight as a way to introduce her to all of you, but also to provide you with some unforgettable entertainment. Without further ado, please welcome, my friend and surrogate big sister, Donna Paulsen."_

_While Donna rises to come on stage, Harvey is frozen in his chair. _

_As she steps up to the stage, I offer her my hand to guide her up the steps. I hand over the microphone, she gives me a guarded smile and straightens her dress. I know immediately that she is feeling awkward in Harvey's presence, especially now being in the spotlight, but I also know that Rachel and I are the only ones who will notice. Donna being Donna will shine like the brilliant woman that she is. We talked a lot about this performance and what songs to choose. Making this gala Donna's official welcome to Seattle, she wanted something to honor her past in New York, her present with her starting over and her future life in this city. I heard her rehearse and couldn't wait for Harvey and the rest of the guests to hear her. I make my way down the steps and sit back down next to my wife. _

"_Thank you for that beautiful introduction. As Mike said, I have known him and Rachel for many years and we have all been through so much together. I am blessed to know them both and consider them not just my friends but my family. I feel honored that they asked me to sing tonight and I hope I can make them proud." _

_The music sets in and while her first notes are cautious, she soon catches herself and enchants the room with her own versions of MIIA's 'Dynasty' and Kodaline's 'High Hopes'. It is a heartfelt tribute to her years with Harvey and a positive outlook into her new future. _

_There was clapping in between each song but as she sings the last note of Camilla Cabello's 'Something's Gotta Give', everyone in the room stands up and gives Donna a standing ovation. I look over at Harvey across the table and notice that although he was looking at Donna with admiration and awe, he also has tears in his eyes and looks like he has lost his best friend. In a way he has. It breaks my heart to know that Donna and Harvey are no longer a pair. They were never a couple in the traditional sense but everyone in New York who met or heard of them knew that Donna and Harvey were a package deal. They were a dynamic duo. They say that behind every successful man stands a strong woman. In Harvey's case that is absolutely true. No one, especially not Harvey himself, would argue that point. It makes Rachel and me sad to see them separate and particularly to bear witness to Donna's heartache and struggle to overcome what appears to be the end of a fourteen years friendship. _

_I watched on earlier today as Harvey and Donna came face to face for the first time since she left New York. It was almost painfully awkward. They were both cordial and it was obvious that Harvey was trying to make an effort but that nothing he was saying or doing was making things better. I don't know specifically what happened between them in New York. Neither of them will talk about it with me and shut me down every time I try. All Rachel says is that it was bad and she doesn't know what it will take to fix it. I wish I knew how to help them. _

_Donna leaves the stage, grabs her purse from the table, kisses Rachel and me goodbye and quietly makes her way out of the room. I watch as Harvey contemplates going after her but ultimately decides to just let her go. I'm sure that Rachel will check on her as soon as she can. And just as quickly as the thought passes through my mind, I see Rachel reach for her phone. She read the message she received and turns to me with a smile. Donna will be alright. We will make sure of that. _

I turn around to go back into the room hoping and praying that this still true. Harvey will be here soon. Hopefully, everything will be okay then.

~oOo

**Harvey POV**

'_All I do is give, and all you do is take_

_Something's gotta change, but I know that it won't_

_No reason to stay is a good reason to go'_

The last song that Donna sung in Seattle stuck in my head for a long time after I returned to New York. I didn't want to read too much into the lyrics, but I know that I made her feel that way. I didn't give her a reason to stay. It seemed like she was doing fine without me, but I wasn't fine without her and at that point, I knew that it was time to change that.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N Thank you all for reading this story. The love that has been shown towards this fic makes me so happy. A special thank you to those who have reviewed it. Some of your reviews have put the biggest smile on my face. This chapter is about 1000 words longer than previous chapters. Extra-long for an extra big day. Happy Darvey Day! Happy Suits Day. I've been saving this chapter just for today and I hope you all enjoy it. Special shoutouts going to Laura, Julia, and Blue for helping me out in my struggle with this one. And as always Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to my partner in crime bestie for editing this "labor of love". I'd never been able to do it without you. This one was a hard one to get right for both of us, so we hope you love it.

_Chapter 4 _

**Harvey POV**

Everything felt different after I returned from Seattle. I was still adjusting to all the changes within the firm, especially when Robert took over as Managing Partner just a week later. I was glad to be back in the ring, but without Mike, Rachel and Donna by my side, I felt lost and out of place. Louis was all I had left. If only Jessica could see us now, she would never believe it.

I knew that I wasn't alone since Alex and Katrina were still with us, but he needed more hand-holding than I had time for and she was loyal to Louis and Robert. Samantha's entrance into the firm only ended in me butting heads even more with everyone else. It took us a while to become a cohesive team but we got there in the end. While I do consider all of them my work family now, they could never replace the ones I've lost.

It didn't take long for Louis and me to start bickering again. He and Sheila were trying for a baby and he bailed on client meetings whenever she texted. While I did admire his dedication to starting a family, his dedication to the firm seemed non-existent. Eventually, it got so bad that Louis dragged me to a joint therapy session with him. It actually turned out better than I expected and we continued going once a week. Louis' friendship ended up being my saving grace and we are closer now than we have ever been.

Since therapy helped Louis and me so much, I asked him if I could see Dr. Lipschitz by myself. Knowing how badly I was handling the whole situation, he willingly agreed. I also thought back to Donna's words about the firm not being my only family and during a quiet week, I took a few days off to go to Boston. It was a bit awkward in the beginning, but through my sessions with Dr. Lipschitz, I made a lot of progress with my trust issues.

I am talking to Marcus several times a week now and my mom and I are closer than ever before. We talk or text almost daily and we meet up every few weeks for dinner. Whenever I can, I spend a long weekend with them. My mom has become a true confidant recently and I have opened up to her more than I ever thought possible. In the end, we weren't so different after all.

But neither work nor my family could make me forget what was missing from my life.

~oOo~

_Since the sessions with Stan are going so well and I have made so much progress I try to never miss an appointment. This morning he had to push our appointment by an hour, which resulted in a conflict with our partner's meeting. I asked Louis to cover for me and he was happy to help, having noticed the positive changes in me recently. As I make my way into the firm later that day, I decide to thank Louis again for covering for me, so my first stop when I exit the elevator is his office. _

_As I approach his doorway I hear Louis laughing, but when I walk in, there is no one else there with him. Instead, he is looking at his phone with a big smile on his face._

_"What's so funny?"_

_"Oh Harvey, you have to see this. Rachel and Donna went to see Wicked last night and they sent me these selfies and videos." _

_Before I can stop him, Louis shoves his phone in my face and for the first time since the gala in Seattle a few months ago, I see Donna's face. She is smiling, has some color back in her face and her eyes are glowing. She looks happy. Like truly happy. It tugs at my heart. She has really moved on with her life. Moved on from me. I try not to think too much about what that means for my future. I force a smile on my own face. _

"_Looks like they had a lot of fun. Donna seems really happy."_

"_Yeah, she does."_

"_Is she?"_

"_What? Happy?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_I guess. I mean I haven't seen her since she left but we text all the time and she seems happy. All I know is that she is doing really well in her role as COO at the clinic, which doesn't come as a surprise. And I know that she spends a lot of time out of the office with Rachel and Mike."_

"_That's good. I'm glad to hear that she's doing well."_

_And I am. I am glad that she is doing well and that she's happy. I just miss her. I miss my friend. My partner. There will always be a special place in my heart and in my life for her. A place that no one else will ever be able to fill. _

~oOo~

A few weeks after that, I was back in Dr. Lipschitz's office when he brought up a conversation we had on the day Louis and Sheila announced that they are expecting a baby. Stan insinuated that I was envious of Louis and his growing family, especially at a time when my personal and professional families were still in pieces.

~oOo~

"_Have you given any more thought to what I asked you before? About family?"_

"_You mean whether I would want that, marriage and children?"_

"_Yes, Harvey. Would you?"_

"_I guess. I never really thought about it. After what happened between my mom and dad, I never saw myself putting my faith into someone that way. My job doesn't leave much time to connect with a wife and children who are waiting for me at home. Maybe I could have seen it at one point, but it wouldn't be fair to a child. I don't want someone to go through what I went through just because I can't commit to a woman. An ex-girlfriend of mine, actually it was more than one, told me that I was emotionally unavailable. I have only ever really opened up to two people in my life. My girlfriend Paula and Donna."_

"_I know that Paula was your therapist before you started dating her. When you say that she is someone that you really opened up to, do you mean as your therapist or as your girlfriend?"_

"_I guess I was more open with her when she was my therapist." _

"_Why do you think that is?"_

"_I don't know. I guess it was easier to talk about things that were raw and emotional when she wasn't connected to it. She was just an outsider who I went to when I needed help. I opened up to her because that was the process. It's what I was supposed to do."_

"_And Donna? Louis talked about her fairly frequently in the past and you mentioned her a few times as well. Tell me about her. What made her special enough for you to let her in?"_

"_It was always that way with Donna. Right from the beginning we just got each other. She was easy to talk to and she seemed to get me in a way that no one else ever did. She could even tell how many cups of coffee I had just based on my handwriting. She is amazing. I've never really been able to find the words to describe the connection that we have. Or had."_

"_Why do you say had?"_

"_We aren't close anymore. We aren't anything anymore. She moved to Seattle with our friends Mike and Rachel to be their COO at the legal clinic they run. We had a falling out before she left and I've only seen her once since then and awkward doesn't even begin to describe how that was."_

"_How long did you two work together?"_

"_She started working for me about fifteen years ago. I was still working at the DA's office then and she approached me at a bar and asked to work at my desk. When I went to work at the firm, she came with me. She was my secretary until she became the firm's COO about a year before she left." _

"_So she was your secretary for a long time and you were obviously close. Did you have a relationship outside of the office?"_

"_We were friends if that's what you mean. She was my best friend and always believed in me. She was the one who broke the news to me that my dad passed away and the one who urged me to make peace with my mom. She was always there for me in the moments that I needed someone the most. She knew exactly what to say and when to just be silent. She somehow became my moral compass. My North Star. She had faith in me. But I let her down. I can't blame her for leaving. I didn't give her a reason to stay."_

"_The way you talk about her Harvey, I have to wonder, was it ever more than just friendship between the two of you?"_

"_It was always more than a friendship. But to answer the question you are really asking, yes, it was. We never dated but we did cross the line. We slept together after we left the DA's office but agreed to put it behind us when she came to work with me at the firm. It was actually a condition she had for agreeing to come. Then right before she left town, she kissed me in her office..."_

"_Is that why she left?"_

"_She left because I was with Paula. Paula told me that she couldn't get past the Donna issue if her and I continue to work together. I tried to get Donna another job, but she didn't take it and just resigned instead. I didn't try to stop her, a decision that I regretted for months. But by the time I was ready to do something about it, it was too late. Donna had already made the decision to move to Seattle and I didn't find out about it until she was already gone. Now she has already created a new life in Seattle."_

"_Have you tried to reach out to her? To explain or apologize?"_

"_I saw her once, in Seattle, at a party that Mike and Rachel held for the legal clinic. She avoided me to the best of her abilities. I could see the hurt and betrayal on her face, could tell that she wasn't ready to hear what I had to say. Or maybe she was just afraid of what I might say. I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had, so I left her alone." _

"_Do you think maybe it would help you, and maybe even Donna, if you were to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Even if the friendship can't be repaired, maybe you can both find a sense of closure."_

"_Maybe. I'll give that some thought."_

"_You should. I think it would help."_

"_I miss her. I miss her every single day. There are still times when something funny happens or when I'm upset, that I want to go talk to her about it. For a second I can trick myself into thinking she's in the office next door. But then I round the corner and I see the empty office, that I remember she's not there. That she will probably never be there again. And sometimes it takes my breath away."_

"_Tell me more about that."_

"_Well for starters, it wasn't a figure of speech. Donna once left my desk to go work for Louis and when she did, I started having panic attacks. It's how I ended up in therapy with Paula."_

"_I see."_

"_Paula said that she thought that the panic attacks were related to my mom and were about abandonment and that was why I was having them, not about Donna specifically."_

"_Did you and Paula ever discuss your sexual past with Donna?"_

"_Not while I was in therapy, but later, yes. After that night in Donna's office, I told Paula the truth. It's why she didn't think she could get past it with Donna still in the picture."_

"_But she never asked about your history with Donna prior to that?"_

"_No. Why?"_

"_I just find it strange that she wouldn't ask. Your panic attacks were brought on by her leaving and the both of you had a lengthy past. I just think it would be a question that anyone would ask."_

"_I suppose."_

"_We've talked a lot about your connection to Donna and your ability to open up to her but how about Paula? You said you felt like you opened up more to her when she was your therapist. You've been together for a while now? Tell me about your relationship with her."_

~oOo~

All these memories are messing with my head and I call the flight attendant for some water. I concentrate on my breathing and take a big gulp once she handed me the bottle. I have overcome my panic attacks but I also try to stay away from thinking about Donna. I wanted to make things right between us, but I don't know how to fix what is broken.

I had only been back to Seattle one time after the gala. That had been a few months ago. I felt lost and confused after my therapy session with Dr. Lipschitz. It had made me question a lot of things and I thought a getaway might help so I called Mike about a guy's weekend. I had flown in on Friday morning and headed straight to the legal clinic. I hoped to run into Donna while I was there and not so casually tried to find her in the building. After my third stroll past her office, Kaitlin told me that she wasn't in today. Immediately wondering if something was wrong, I asked Mike if she was sick but he'd assured me that she had just asked for a personal day. I suspected that Donna took the day off to avoid me, but I wasn't eager to know if that was true, so I didn't dig deeper. Neither Mike nor I brought Donna up for the rest of my trip.

Finishing my water bottle, I try to get some sleep, but it's hard for me to shut off. At one point, my mind and body must have given up the fight, because I wake up just as we are about to land.

I try calling Mike the second I'm off the plane, but it goes straight to voicemail. I get a text message a few seconds later with an address. I hightail it through the airport and jump in the first available taxi. I tell the driver where to go and lean back. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths as we pull into the traffic. Once we are on the highway a few minutes later, I open my eyes again and ask the driver for the approximate arrival time.

"Shouldn't be more than 20 minutes. I hope everything is alright?"

I knew I was close to losing my mind but I didn't think it was so obvious to a stranger.

"Why are you asking?"

"Well, you don't look too good and we are going to the hospital. So I just assumed something was wrong."

"What?" I shout out towards the driver but he knows better than to reply.

I become lightheaded and start shaking. Unlocking my phone, I try calling Mike again but he sends me straight to voicemail. I scream out in frustration and punch the seat next to me. Furiously, I compose a text message to him.

_Why are you at the hospital? Is Donna hurt? - H_

_I will explain when you get here. Meet me in the lobby. - M_

Anger starts to bubble up in me and threatens to overpower my worry. Who does he think he is, keeping information from me.

A few minutes later we pull up in front of the hospital and I quickly throw a $100 bill at the driver. Grabbing my bags, I jump out and make a dash for the door. Inside, my eyes move rapidly around the room searching for Mike.

~oOo~

**Mike's POV**

I flip my phone back and forth in my hand, my right foot is tapping against the floor and I wince with every car that drives by outside. I rehearsed my speech a hundred times, but I already know that Harvey won't give me a chance to explain. This is one of, if not the most important conversations that I will ever have with the man that may have started as a mentor but has become my best friend. I wish I didn't have to be the one to tell him. But Donna, the woman that I have come to see as a sister needs me to do this. For her.

I see a taxi pull up to the curb and Harvey jumps out. He is pale, his hair looks like he has been pulling on it and the tie I'm sure he was wearing earlier is nowhere to be found. He looks a mess and I am certain that he feels even worse. I don't envy him at all.

I am not sure how I would react if this was Rachel and I am grateful that it's not me who gets hit with such life-altering news. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. No need to have us both freakout. Making my way over to the door, I call out to him.

His head flies around and his eyes lock with mine. In three long strides, he's standing in front of me.

"Where is she?" He frantically looks around as if Donna would suddenly appear in one of the empty plastic chairs.

"Harvey."

"What happened, why is she here?"

He doesn't give me time to reply before he grabs me by my shirt lapels and shoves me against the nearest wall.

"Answer me."

The anger is rolling off him in waves. I slowly pull his hands off my shirt and give him a stern look.

"When has violence ever gotten you anywhere, Harvey? If you want to see Donna, you will need to calm down."

He takes a step back and collapses against the wall. It's like all strength leaves his body and I can feel his legs shaking next to mine.

"Come with me and I will explain everything."

We push away from the wall simultaneously and I lead him down the hallway.

"Why are we here, Mike? What's wrong with her?"

He sounds so defeated. But I can't tell him here.

I had asked Donna's nurse Amelia for a quiet place and she allowed me to use one of the conference rooms for the next hour. I motion for Harvey to walk inside, shutting the door behind me. I ask him to sit but he doesn't seem to want to do anything but anxiously pace.

Remembering his panic attacks, I know that it will be better for him to be seated. I ask him again and I am not sure if it's my tone of voice or the look on my face but this time he listens and sits down. I strategically place myself between him and the door to keep him from taking off before he hears the whole story. I push a bottle of water over to him and wait until he took a sip.

"I have never asked you for anything ever before and this isn't even for me, it's for Donna. I need you to stay calm and not fly off the handle. She needs you to stay calm. We can't have a repeat of what just happened out there, do you understand me?"

Harvey is giving me an impatient look and taps his fingers against the table.

"Mike, just come out with it. Why we are at the hospital and why does Donna need me to be here?"

I can see that he doesn't want to listen to any explanation right now, so I cut my speech short.

"Donna is upstairs about to have a baby."


	6. Chapter 5

A/N Once again thank you to everyone who is reading this story. The last chapter got so many amazing reviews. Some of them made me smile so hard and a few almost made me cry happy tears. Thank you so much to Aimee, Blue, and especially my bestie Stefanie (COOPaulsen - Twitter, Andelin - FF) for basically becoming a co-writer at this point and being the best editor I could ask for. Thank you to all of those on this beautiful journey with me. This one is even longer than the last one so I hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter 5

**Harvey's POV**

"Donna is upstairs about to have a baby."

Mike's voice resounds in my head and I'm pretty sure I stop breathing. I look down at my hands as they start shaking. Everything around me begins to blur and I fix my eyes on the white table before me.

"Who…" I can't bring myself to finish the sentence.

Mike pushes the water glass closer to me and I try picking it up. When it almost topples over, I set it back down again.

"Harvey, are you alright?" I hear Mike stand up and then feel his hand on my shoulder.

"Just give me a second, please." I push the building panic aside and start calculating.

"How…" I whisper to myself.

My eyes leave the table and I look at the calendar hanging opposite the door.

The night when everything went wrong. Did something good actually come from it?

~oOo~

_I have barely entered Donna's office, ready to tell her about Jessica's plan, when out of nowhere she throws her arms around me and kisses me. Her lips on my lips, her arms around my neck, her body pressed against mine._

_I freeze for a moment, unable to even move a finger, but it doesn't take long before I lean in and kiss her back. Every single nerve ending is tingling and all my blood rushes south. _

_Her smell, her taste, the feeling of her hip bone snug against mine, it is all too much and yet not enough. _

_My head starts spinning. Why here? Why now? We managed to keep our lines straight for twelve years and now this. _

_I am ready to pull back when her fingertips find the hair on the back of my neck and I am gone. Fuck those lines. _

_I grab her head, push my lips harder against hers and walk us _backwards_ towards her conference table. When we hit the tabletop, she pulls herself from me. We are both breathing heavily. I try to read her, but her eyes are swimming in emotions. Some positive, some negative, but the most prominent were the ones that mirror mine: attraction, lust and pure arousal. _

_Behind those eyes, I can see her. Donna. Not the COO or the secretary. But Donna, the part-time actress who knocked me off my feet in a New York bar and later rocked my world with a can of whipped cream. _

_She wants this just as much as I do, but I need to make sure. Like always, she reads the question in my eyes and no words are needed. _

_She pulls me back in for a kiss and our tongues fight for dominance. There are no losers in this fight. We win together. _

_Quickly, I turn her around to unzip her tight black dress. _

_"Admit it, you wear these dresses just to tease me." My voice so hoarse, I can't recognize it myself. _

_"Less talking, more unzipping." Her breathing so hard, she hardly gets the words out. _

_I press a kiss to her neck and grab the zipper. It gets stuck a few inches down. _

_"Fuck this. Pull it up." She is forever impatient. _

_Donna turns back around and goes for my trouser button, while I push her dress over her hips and hoist her onto the table. I pull her thong off as she lets her heels drop to the floor. She uses her feet to push my trousers and boxer briefs down my legs. _

_Grabbing her head with my left hand again, I pull her in for an open-mouthed kiss. My _right hand_ slides down between her legs and I find her moist and ready for me. The smell of her sends me into overdrive. _

_I don't waste a minute and push into her. Over and over again. She is warm and wet and velvet. _

_I catch her moans in my mouth but at one point we are running out of _air_, so I let her upper body fall back on the table and hold onto her thighs with my left hand. My _right hand_ finds hers, our fingers intertwine, resting in the space between our bodies. _

_Her legs have a tight grip around my waist and her hips move in rhythm to mine. _

_I slowly pull out as far as her legs allow me to and quickly push back inside her. _

_She presses her eyes shut and bites her bottom lip to not moan out loud. _

_Her back arches and I know she is close. _

_The slamming sound of skin against skin drives me to the edge. _

_I tease her clit with my thumb to finish her off and once her walls tighten around me, I can't hold back anymore. I pull her closer until I can't tell where she starts and I end and I empty myself in her._

_I've had a lot of sex in the past, nameless blondes and brunettes, but no one made me feel like the redhead before me. _

_"Harvey." _

_Her voice is breathless, but my name still so similar to the hundreds of times she's said it before. In disbelief, anger, teasing, but just once like a prayer. Twelve years ago, the last time we crossed the line. _

_My knees buckle and a cold sweat rushes over my body. What have we done? _

_Letting her legs fall from my waist, I pull out of her and get dressed again, not once catching her eyes. _

_The room feels 20 degrees colder and a feeling of unease settles in my stomach. _

_"Harvey." No prayer, but confusion. Fear. _

_"You should get dressed." _

_I hear rustling and see her get off the table out of the corner of my eye. She pulls her dress back down and squats down to grab her panties off the floor. _

_Without her shoes, she is half a head shorter than me and I can't help but take her in._

_Leaning her head back, she looks me straight into the eyes. _

_This time they aren't a mirror of each other. _

_Hers _show_ doubt then pain and rejection. _

_Mine _are_ cold and filled with regret. _

_With a dozen mixed emotions, I turn around wordlessly and walk out._

_Back in Ray's car, on my way home, I replay the last fifteen minutes over and over again._

_From how she kissed me, to how I left her standing there, underwear in her hand, tears in her eyes, and everything that happened in between those moments. Why? What had happened that made us do this tonight? _

_I can't wait to drown these memories and thoughts in a glass of scotch but my quiet evening by the fireplace gets interrupted by someone who is waiting for me at home. _

_Paula. My girlfriend. All color drains from my face. I feel sick. The joy and trust in her eyes almost _breaks_ me. She doesn't deserve this. Paula believes that I can be a good man. Someone worthy of being loved and capable of being in a relationship. I can't hurt her like she has been hurt in the past. I can't tell her about tonight, but I can be a good man for her, can be committed. She makes me believe that I have it in me. _

_I don't think twice before asking her to move in with me. We might not be at this stage yet, but every other woman was accusing me of not being all in. This is me, being all in. _

~oOo~

My gaze moves from the calendar to Mike who is hovering over me.

"I need you to say it."

~oOo~

**Mike's POV**

I have never seen Harvey this shaken but the moment his eyes find mine, I recognize the question in them. I give him a cautious smile and his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"It's your baby."

Within a second, Harvey jumps up with an urgency that makes his chair crash against the wall.

"Where is she?" His voice is stern and his eyes fierce.

His hand reaches for the door handle and I quickly put myself between him and the exit.

"Harvey, I need you to sit down and listen to me for a minute. You can't just go storming into her room without knowing what's going on."

"So now you want to talk?" The look he throws my way could freeze water.

"You can have a go at me later, but not now. I promise I will take you to her in a few minutes, but for now please just sit."

For a moment I think he will disregard what I asked him to do, but then he sits down. His glare makes it obvious that he is doing so reluctantly.

I knew that this wouldn't be an easy conversation but I forgot just how little Harvey likes to listen sometimes. Considering him somewhat of a flight risk, I prop myself up against the door opposite him.

"I know you are angry and hurt and you have a right to those emotions, but right here and now is not the place for them. Donna needs you to be calm and supportive. Do you understand me?"

He just frowns at me, his left foot nervously tapping against the floor, and I'm not sure what he'll do next. He is angry at me and desperate to see Donna, but for now, he is sitting down and listening, so I try to get as much information out as I can.

"Donna has been in labor for about ten hours. She's exhausted and emotional, so you need to be patient with her. I know that you are riled up, but I need you to put that aside until this is over."

I lean forward into his space to drive my next point home.

"Because I swear to God, Harvey, as much as I love you like a brother and a best friend, I will kick your ass if you do even one thing to upset her tonight. She knows it was wrong to keep this a secret from you, but she had her reasons. As soon as she went into labor she started crying because you weren't there. She wouldn't calm down until I called you."

Harvey's previously piercing look softens and I see the concern back in his eyes.

"Is she okay? Is she in pain?"

"She is in pain, but she is planning to get an epidural in a little while. They have her on monitors to track her contractions as well as her and the baby's heartbeat. Everything is going great so far, but there is always the issue of her age. She's been such a trooper and she wouldn't be Donna if she wasn't handling it like a pro. Rachel is with her and she can explain more about what's going to happen in the next few hours. They know that I talked to you but I haven't told them anything after that. I wasn't sure when you would get here or how you would react when you found out."

"Of course Rachel is here." He snorts indignantly and rises from his chair. "She's loyal to Donna like you should have been loyal to me. I should have been with her and you kept that from me."

"Harvey, I did what she asked me to do."

"I don't want to hear your excuses right now. We've wasted enough time already. Will you let me go now or do I really have to take a swing at you?"

I know I deserve his anger and I wouldn't put it past him to knock me out to get to Donna.

"Let's go."

I step away from the door and lead him back into the hallway.

The walk to the Labor and Delivery wing is quiet. I'm pretty sure that the last hours have taken years off of Harvey's life and that the seven minutes that it takes to get Donna's door are the longest in his life. He seems to have calmed him down and now only looks nervous. But there is also something else in his eyes. Excitement. And love. I always knew that he was in love with Donna. Honestly, I'm pretty sure everyone but Donna and Harvey knew it. I really hope that these two, or rather three, will end up with the happily ever after they deserve.

As we approach Donna's door, I pick up the conversation again.

"Let me go in first so I can let her know you are here."

Harvey just nods and I grow a bit concerned. I don't expect him to blow up at her, but this is a lot to process in such a short time. He must have gone through fifty different emotions since he got up this morning and he hasn't even seen Donna yet.

"Can you do this? Can you handle all of this?"

"After all that she's done for me, I can do this for her. I need to do this for her. I want to do this."

I'm sure he is trying to reassure himself more than me, but that is all I can ask for at this point.

Arriving in front of the room, I knock just loud enough for Donna and Rachel to hear it and crack the door open. Poking my head into the room, I let Rachel know it was me and that Harvey has arrived. She takes a look at Donna and smiles at me reassuringly.

Pulling my head back, I give Harvey what I hope is a friendly and supportive look.

"Are you ready?"

He nods in confirmation and I open the door to let him in. Rachel has agreed to stay in the room for a few minutes to make sure that Donna is comfortable being alone with Harvey. This way she could also show him how to help during labor.

We step through the door and leaving Harvey right there, I make my way over to Donna. I lean forward and place a kiss on her temple.

Her eyes reveal how scared she really is about the upcoming confrontation.

"He's here now and everything will be alright," I whisper to her before making my way back to Harvey. I take his suitcase and bag out of his hand and place them in the corner next to him.

With one last look at him, I close the door behind me while sending a silent prayer to the heavens that everything will be okay.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

I stay rooted by the door and take in all of the machines and other equipment around me. Without any medical knowledge, I can't get much information from the screens.

At last, I dare to take a look at Donna. The top half of her bed is raised almost to a 90-degree angle and it looks like she is kneeling in the middle of the mattress, with her upper body pressed against the elevated top. Her arms are clutching the frame of the bed and her face is turned away from me. Rachel is beside her, massaging her lower back. From where I am standing, I can only see her ginger hair in its messy bun clearly.

Something in me is telling me to move, to put one foot in front of the other and go to her. But there is another feeling there too. Telling me that if I move everything will change. It would all become real. I would see her face for the first time in almost seven months, but more importantly, I would see her, all of her, her rounded belly, swollen with our child. My child.

Clearly sensing my struggle, Rachel turns to me with the kindest smile and reaches out for my hand. I move, and so does she, and then suddenly there is Donna with her head hanging low and breathing in a pattern that I have never heard before.

Rachel takes my left hand in hers and guides it to where she has been rubbing Donna's back previously. She shows me the pattern she was following and I pick it up quickly.

With a smile she whispers to me almost silently "you're doing great. Just be gentle with her."

I know she isn't just talking about my touch, it is more about the way I should treat her. I nod back to her knowingly.

Rachel leans back down to Donna and tells her she is going to step out to give us a moment alone.

"I love you and everything will be okay." She pecks Donna on the temple, just like Mike has done a minute ago. It must be something they picked up during the pregnancy.

Donna nods but doesn't speak. I can see tears on her cheeks and I ache to take her pain away.

Rachel quietly heads out the door and I continue massaging Donna's back. Stepping closer to the head of the bed, I swallow past the lump in my throat and address her for the first time in months.

"Donna."

I hear her quick intake of breath and then in the shyest and weakest movement that I have ever seen Donna make, she turns her head just enough so we are able to lock eyes. She instantly lets out the most heartbreaking cry I have ever heard. I immediately stop rubbing circles on her back and sit down on the edge of the bed. My left arm goes around her shoulders while my right hand finds her cheek. I try wiping away her tears, but they fall quicker than I can catch them.

"I'm here. Please don't cry"

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I'm so, so sorry." She continues sobbing.

I bend down so I am face to face with her and I softly move some loose strands of hair behind her ear. I give her my famous Specter smile and her face starts to relax.

"I'm not mad at you Donna. I'm sad for both of us, but I'm not mad. There will be a time for apologies and regrets later. We can even cry and scream at each other if you want, but not today. This will be the most important, the most precious day of our lives and I don't want us to taint it with hurt feelings and damaging words. We will talk, but it's not important today, okay?"

"Okay." Her tears stop flowing and I wipe her cheeks dry.

"Good." I wink at her and she smiles for the first time since I arrived.

I stand back up and continue rubbing circles on her back.

"Are you in pain? Does this help?"

"Not going to lie, it hurts like hell, but yeah, it helps."

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"Actually, there is. I've been in this position for a while and my knees are starting to hurt. Can you help me stand up?"

"Anything you need. Always."

I gently take hold of her right arm and with the guidance of my left arm help her sit back on her knees. My eyes instantly lower to her belly and I am left in awe. My child, our child is in there and I am completely enraptured. I have known for less than thirty minutes that Donna is pregnant, that I am about to be a father, and I am still processing it all. But while I'm in shock and not at all sure how to functioning properly at the moment, I do know that I have never been more excited in my life.

Donna shifts and my eyes are drawn back to hers. She smiles at me with a light in her eyes and a softness in her expression that I have never seen before. Neither one of us says a word and yet we instinctively know what the other is going to do.

She repositions herself on her hip and I take hold of her legs to gently pull them to the side and off the bed. Finally sitting down, she takes hold of the bed rail and pushes herself to stand up. I step to her side and taking her other arm to stabilize her, being cautious of her IV. Without her power heels, she is several inches shorter than me and it hits me how vulnerable she is at this moment. The gown she is wearing doesn't look too different from a traditional summer dress. It is short-sleeved and ends just below her knees. The pink and red flowers on the dark blue background are calming and contrast nicely with her skin tone.

She looks up at me, we step towards each other and suddenly she's in my arms. Hers are wrapped around my neck and mine around her waist with our unborn child between us. Without warning, her grip tightens and I feel more than hear her inhale deeply against my neck, as her body bends forward. She is having a contraction and I maintain my grip on her while rubbing her back and softly assuring her that I'm here.

"I've got you. You're gonna be okay."

She continues to breathe through the contraction but keeps a firm grasp on my neck and shoulder. When it is over she relaxes into me.

"What can I do Donna? Do you want me to get Rachel?"

"It's okay, Harvey. Just help me get back in bed, please."

She sits back down and I lift her legs back up on the bed. Now lying on her back, I pull the sheets and light blanket over her. We stay quiet for a moment, both unsure of what to say. A content smile suddenly appears on her face and she looks up at me. Reaching for my hand, she brings it to her belly before placing her own hand on top of mine. Looking back up, our eyes lock right before I feel movement under my hand.

"Is that…" A huge smile takes over my face.

"That, Harvey, is your daughter making her presence known."

Tears instantly well up in my eyes and I'm in complete awe of what is happening.

"Daughter? It's a girl?"

She nods at me with that 'Donna' smile that I love. But this time it's so much brighter. She is brighter. I have never seen her look like this. Just beautiful.

Suddenly I hear a clicking noise and I turn to the door where Rachel is standing with a camera in her hand. I wonder how I missed her walking back into the room and I don't think Donna realized she was here either, but I'm glad she was. As much as I wish that the moment Donna and I just had was only between us and our daughter, I am also incredibly grateful that Rachel captured it. This day has been a whirlwind and I'm sure that we will be thrilled to have these pictures to look back on later. I already missed nine months of my daughter's existence and up until this moment, there has been no evidence to show that we are connected. I have a lot of time to make up for.

I smile at Rachel before turning back to Donna. I notice that her hand is still over mine on her belly even though I can no longer feel our daughter's movements. Her fingers that were initially just laying over mine suddenly grasps my hand and my eyes fly to Donna's face which is twisted in pain. Another contraction. She bends forward and I rub her arm with my other hand.

Rachel moves to the other side of the bed and goes back to rubbing circles on Donna's back while offering her own hand to Donna, which she instantly grasps. Rachel reminds her to breathe and leads her into a repetitive pattern which I attempt to memorize. About a minute later Donna relaxes and leans back on the pillows.

"Well, that one was a bitch."

I let out a throaty laugh. I have missed her smart mouth so much.

Donna closes her eyes and I take a moment to digest everything that has happened so far. In between Donna's audible breathing I detect a thumping noise coming from one of the machines next to the bed. I observe the screen and realize that the sound I'm hearing is my daughter's heartbeat. I don't know how long I stare at the machine, hypnotized by the sound, but when I turn back around both Donna and Rachel are grinning at me. Having noted that the heart rate is around 145-150 beats per minute I asked if that is normal.

"Should her heartrate be that high?"

Donna smiles reassuringly.

"Yes, she's fine. Anything between 110-160 is normal."

I surprised myself about how protective I already am of her. Another contraction hits Donna and she reaches for my hand again.

This circle continues for a while. Rachel and I talk soothingly to her when the pain gets too much and in between, we all stay quiet. The awkwardness of not knowing what to say after all this time and the magnitude of what is happening seems to have us all lost for words.

One particularly strong contraction has left Donna in tears and seemingly in more pain than I have seen since my arrival. Even Rachel seems concerned as she reaches for the call button. It doesn't take long for the nurse to fly into the room.

I get out of her way as she reaches Donna's bedside to check her over. I quickly make my way to the other side of the bed and sit down beside Donna, taking her hand back into mine. Rubbing soft, soothing circles on the back of it, I am surprised at how calm I manage to stay on the outside considering that my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest.

While the nurse if fluttering around her, Donna has gone deathly pale and can't stop groaning and sobbing. I am fairly sure that I am going to have a panic attack at any moment. Is something wrong with Donna? With the baby?


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you again for continuing to read this story. Thank you again to those that left reviews. They have been an amazing motivator. Thanks again to Blue and Aimee for helping behind the scenes. And though she keeps doubting her talent, my bestie Stefanie (COOPaulsen/Twitter-Andelin/FF) continues to be the best Beta/Co-writer that a girl could ever ask for. She has helped make this story way more than I ever dreamed it could be. Love you girl!

This chapter is super long. Don't get used to it. The only way to make it shorter would have meant delaying the moment we have all been waiting for until Saturday and I just couldn't do that to you all or myself. So Darvey/Suits Wednesday it is.

PLEASE READ: Fanfiction was having issues on Saturday when I posted the last chapter so if you haven't read it please make sure to read that before starting this chapter. Also, just a reminder that there is an IG page to go along with this story. I post new photos the day after the new chapter. The account is LaborOfLoveFic. Also, up until now updates have been every Wednesday and Saturday. From here on out the story is not fully written so updates will hopefully be every Wednesday.

Chapter 6

**Harvey's POV**

"Donna, I need you to turn on your left side for me."

Donna lets go of my hand to move around and I take a moment to scan the nurse's face. Her name tag reads 'Amelia' and while she looks young, she also seems calm and competent. As long as she isn't freaking out, I will try to stay calm as well.

Once Donna is situated, I take her hand again and squeeze it. Amelia reaches behind the bed to grab an oxygen mask. Adjusting the settings on the machine, she puts the mask over Donna's face. The moment it was on, she turns her attention to the heart rate monitor. I follow her with my eyes and notice the drastic drop in my daughter's heart rate. The previously normal 145-150 bpm has now sunk to 90 bpm. Donna, Rachel and I all seem to be in a trance, not knowing what to do or say.

Amelia turns to us and explains what happened.

"The baby's heart rate decelerated with the last contraction. It can happen, but it also means that she isn't tolerating them as well as we would like. The last one was fairly strong, which might be the reason it happened now. The change in position and the extra oxygen should bring her heart rate back up but we will continue to monitor it to make sure."

"Should?" I am certain that the fear in my voice is audible. I haven't been this scared since I thought Donna was going to end up in prison over Liberty Rail. "What happens if it doesn't go back up?"

Amelia throws me a comforting smile.

"If it continues to decelerate or doesn't go back up we might have to look at other options including a possible Cesarean Section. But let's not panic and get ahead of ourselves, okay?"

I still am not convinced but I will have to trust the nurse to do her best to keep Donna and our baby safe.

Rachel excuses herself to update Mike and her and Amelia leave the room together. It is just Donna and me again.

I make my way over to the other side of the bed so Donna can see me again. She looks more scared than I have ever seen her. I reach up to brush my hand soothingly through the wisps of hair that escaped her bun. I lean in and try to comfort her.

"It's going to be okay. She's going to be fine."

Donna turns her eyes towards me and I see tears running down her face. I am scared out of my mind, but it will be nothing compared to how Donna must be feeling. I already feel such a bond with our baby and I have only felt her kick once. Donna carried her for nine months, their connection will be like no other. It is Donna's responsibility to keep her safe and I know that feeling this powerless must be getting to her. And on top of that, she is going through immense pain just so our daughter can be born.

"You don't know that," she mumbles through the oxygen mask.

I gently wipe her tears away.

Rolling my sleeves up and slipping out of my shoes, I get on the bed and crawl behind her. Wrapping my right arm around her belly, I use my left one to prop myself up and kiss her temple.

"What I do know, is that you are the strongest person that I have ever known and that between the two of us, we have undoubtedly created the strongest and most stubborn child ever. She's a fighter, just like you. She's going to be just fine."

Donna looks up at me with all of the faith in the world and I can see a small smile beneath the oxygen mask. I give her a reassuring nod and Donna puts her hand over mine on her stomach. It doesn't take long and I once again feel our daughter kicking. The movement seems to calm Donna down and she lays her head back against the pillows. I rub my thumb gently back and forth over her stomach and keep watching the monitors. The baby's heart rate is now back up to 115 bpm. Not as high as it was before, but much better than a few minutes ago, and back within the normal range.

When the next contraction hits, I go back to massaging Donna's back and guiding the breathing exercises that Rachel started earlier. My eyes keep going back and forth between Donna and the monitor to make sure that the heart rate is still doing good.

We lie like this for a while, until Rachel comes back in, followed by Amelia. I move off the bed so the nurse can take the oxygen mask off and check Donna's progress. Donna rolled on her back and I repositioned myself by her head to offer her some privacy during the examination.

I give her an encouraging smile and she smiles back before grimacing.

She can read the question on my face and replies without me having to ask.

"It's just uncomfortable and a little bit cold."

Amelia pulls her gloves off and turns back to us.

"You are almost at seven centimeters. This would be the perfect time for an epidural. Do you still want one?"

"Yes please." Donna looks elated that the pain will lessen in a little while.

"I will send someone up for you."

~oOo~

Ten minutes and three contractions later there is a light knock on the door and a young, sandy blond guy walks in. He introduces himself as Jack and says that he is here to administer the epidural. He and Donna discuss the most comfortable position for her and once she is settled on her side, she pulls her knees up as far as she can and puts her chin to her chest like instructed. Jack asks her to stay as still as possible and I hold her gaze so she has something to concentrate on. She takes a deep breath, holds it and Jack inserts the needle into her back, giving her a local anesthetic. Removing the needle he tells her to breathe normally again. A few minutes later they repeat the process, this time with a larger needle. Jack inserts a small intravenous tube and removes the needle from her back, securing it with a piece of tape. After a test dose and a painless contraction, Donna is given the full dose and Jack explained how she can self-administer the epidural.

"Do you feel better?" I ask, seeing how much more relaxed Donna seems now.

"So much better. It doesn't hurt at all, there's just a bit of pressure."

"That is how it should be." Jack starts packing his things. "Ms. Paulsen, you should get some sleep while you can. Your little one will be here in no time." He wishes us luck and leaves the room.

I can see Donna's eyes getting heavy and the struggle she has staying awake. Rachel and I share a knowing look. She reaches over the bed and turns the lights down. Immediately, Donna's eyes close completely.

I pull the blanket over her again and tuck her in while Rachel takes a seat on the couch opposite the bed. I stay with Donna for another minute, just taking in her soft features. I have only ever had the opportunity to watch her sleep once before. Her face is rounder now and she looks exhausted, but that doesn't make her any less beautiful. She always has been incredibly beautiful, but there is something about seeing her like this that makes my heart swell. I was so stupid. I wasted so much time. Why didn't I fight for her? Nine months ago, a decade ago, the night we met? I hear her breathing even out and I know she's finally asleep. I lean down and kiss her on her forehead before putting my hand on her belly. I immediately feel a kick against my palm again. I kneel down next to the bed and start whispering.

"Hey, little one. It's your dad, Harvey. Sorry I'm a bit late, but I'm here now. I can't wait to meet you, but can you stay in there and let mommy sleep for a little while? She needs all the rest she can get so she will be strong enough to have you."

Getting back up, I whisper a quiet "I love you" and make my way over to Rachel. We sit in silence for a few minutes, just processing the situation, before Rachel speaks.

"I'm glad you came, Harvey."

"I'm glad I came, too."

"I know you must be mad at Mike and me for not telling you."

I lean my head back and close my eyes for a second. The anguish of the day is finally catching up with me.

"I'm not mad at you Rachel. Of course, I would have wanted to know but it wasn't your secret to tell, I get that. You were doing what your best friend asked you to do. And you were being loyal to her. I still wish someone had told me. I wish I had been there to help her."

"But you're our friend too, Harvey and even more than that, you are family. It hurt to watch her go through so much in the last nine months. We just wanted to help her in whatever way we could. I didn't want to add on to her stress."

I open my eyes again and see the tears in Rachel's. I take her hand in mine.

"It's okay, Rachel."

"I really am sorry." She wipes her tears away and continues. "Donna and I talked earlier, and she knows that you have a lot of questions. She isn't in a position to explain anything right now but she also doesn't want to keep you waiting for answers. If there's anything you would like to know, you can ask me."

I have a million questions running through my head but I settle on the most important one first.

"Why did she do it? Why didn't she tell me?"

Rachel lets out a deep sigh.

"When she resigned from the firm, she hoped you would stop her. She hoped that you would come after her, but you didn't. You made plans for your future and they didn't include her. She went away to the Adirondacks and when she got back, she told me that she wanted to come to Seattle with us. She needed a fresh start, said she couldn't stay in New York. Mike and I both knew that she was in love with you and seeing her so upset broke our hearts. I knew there was no convincing her otherwise and we decided it was better she would be with us than completely alone somewhere else. She found a house and was settled in before we even came back from our honeymoon. She wasn't happy, but I would say she was at peace with her decision. She liked the change of pace that Seattle offered and building up the firm kept her busy."

"But I tried to keep her close," I argue. "I asked Stu to offer her a job. I never wanted her to leave New York."

"But did you give her a reason to stay?"

The song she sang at the gala.

"I guess, I didn't."

"Everything changed on a Saturday, about three weeks after we moved here," Rachel continues. "We had plans to have breakfast at her place. I walked in with coffee and bagels and as soon as she made a beeline for the bathroom, I knew something was off. I found her sitting on the floor with her head in her hands and tears running down her face. I had never seen her this distraught and she could hardly get the words out in between her tears when she said she thought she was pregnant. She had told me what happened between the two of you and she hasn't been seeing anyone before we left New York, so I knew immediately that it was yours. I got her the pregnancy tests and after she took them, she just sat there. Staring into space, not ready to check for the results. But she's Donna, she knew already. It didn't stop her from breaking down in the bathroom anyways. I didn't need to see the tests to know they were positive."

It was months ago, but I can still see the worry Rachel felt that day on her face now. I'm not sure I can take listening to how heartbroken Donna was but I need to know what happened. Seeing what it is doing to Rachel now, I don't think I could ever ask Donna to relive those moments.

"I stayed with her that day. We just laid in bed, not eating, not talking. Just her crying and me trying to console her. The next morning, she scheduled an appointment with an OB/GYN. First and foremost, she wanted to make sure the baby was safe and sound. She would worry about the rest later."

"Did she ever consider telling me?" I just had to know.

"So many times, Harvey. Probably way more than I am aware of. You deserved to know and she knew that, but the first few weeks she was simply in shock. She tried her hardest to move on from that night and now she would never be able to. When she knew she couldn't hide it from Mike any longer, she finally told him but begged him not to tell you. It killed him, Harvey. But he did it for her. For them."

While I understand Rachel's reasoning, I am not sure I can forgive Mike that easily. After everything we have been through together, he should have told me. He knows how much family means to me. And I still don't understand why Donna kept it from me. I stayed calm for her, to not burden her even further during labor, but I still missed out on nine months with my daughter. Because of what?

"I get that this was hard for her, it wasn't an easy time for me either, but why? Why didn't she think she could tell me? Why did she have to keep this from me?"

"You have to know that she never meant to hurt you. This wasn't punishment for letting her go. You chose Paula. She did what she thought she had to do and if you can't see that…"

Rachel's voice gets louder with every word but she immediately shuts up when we hear Donna moving around. She appears to still be asleep and after a few seconds she settles and her breathing evens back out.

"Look, Harvey, she didn't want to complicate your life. You made a decision and she wanted you to be happy. She saw the change in you and didn't want to stand in the way of you finally living the life you worked so hard for. Mike and I agreed to let her decide when she wanted to tell you, we just never expected it to be when she actually went into labor."

I don't even know what to say. All of this time lost. All this heartache. All because she thought it would make me happy, that there wasn't room for them in my life. How could she think that keeping my daughter from me would make me happy? I think back to the man that I was before I started seeing Dr. Lipschitz and I wonder how the old me would have reacted if she had told me sooner. I throw a quick glance at the heart rate monitor, before settling on Donna's belly that is now peeking out from under the blanket. Would I have accepted our daughter the same way? Now I will never know.

I turn my attention back to Rachel.

"Tell me about the last few months. When did she find out it was a girl?"

"It was at her twenty weeks ultrasound. I was with her and she was so excited when they told her. For the first time in months, she had happy tears in her eyes. I think she had a hard time bonding with the baby in the beginning, but this made it real. Tangible. On the way back home, we passed a baby store and Donna just had to go inside. She had already bought a few gender-neutral things for the baby but now she wanted to shop for a girl. And you know how Donna gets when she's shopping. "

Rachel lets out a small laugh, remembering that day.

"No matter the gender, she was convinced that the baby would have red hair and she had even taken to calling it her little strawberry. But once she knew it was a girl all bets were off. I think she bought every strawberry themed outfit in the store."

"Our little strawberry," I test out the nickname, thinking back to our first time together. The strawberries and whipped cream. The night we allowed ourselves to be young and free. Was the name a reference to her red hair like Rachel thinks or a nod to happier times?

I honestly thought she would tell you that day. I know she was seriously considering it. I was with her through it all, but I knew she didn't really want me there. She wanted you. She wanted to share these moments with you. When I asked her if she wanted to call you, she shut me down. As much as it broke her heart, she needed to do what was best for the baby. She said that she needed to be as calm as possible during the pregnancy. That she needed to be as stress-free as she could. She knew everything would blow up when you found out. She felt so guilty, but she couldn't go on like this. She needed to put it out of her head. She cried herself to sleep that day and I called Mike to tell him what had happened. We made the decision to not bring you up again until after the baby was born. If she needed calm and stress-free then that was what we were going to give her."

"What made her change her mind?"

"She always wanted to tell you. She was just too scared of the consequences once she did it. She went on maternity leave two weeks ago and while we checked up on her every day, she did spend a lot of time on her own. Thinking. Regretting. She knew the birth would happen in the next couple of days, so Mike and I started spending the night, just in case. Yesterday, I found her in the nursery standing over the crib with tears in her eyes. She told me that she thought she had made a mistake. She knew you would hate her when you found out. She never wanted you to hate her and she wished she could go back and do it differently. But it was too late now. Then this morning while we were fixing breakfast, we heard Donna's breath hitch. She had this look of pain and shock on her face. The moment that first contraction was over, she looked at Mike and simply said "call him". Mike didn't know what to tell you, but she said you have to be here. So Mike went outside and called you."

I try to take everything in that she told me. I still had so many questions, so many things didn't make sense to me, but I had to talk it out with Donna one day.

"Thank you, Rachel."

"For what?"

"For being here. For being there for her, every step of the way. For being her best friend and loving her."

"You never have to thank me for that, Harvey." She takes a moment before continuing. "I know you are coming in here at the last minute with no preparation and no clue as to what is about to happen and she wouldn't ask you herself, but I know that Donna would like to have you in the room during the birth. You don't have to decide right now, but if it's something you could see yourself being part of, I know that Donna would appreciate the support."

Up until now, I didn't even think about that being an option, but the moment Rachel said it, I know that there isn't a place I would rather be. I didn't want to miss out on another second of my daughter's life. My wide smile must have given my reply away as Rachel didn't even let me answer.

"That's wonderful. I've been to Lamaze classes with her, so I will be in the room as well. There is no pressure for you to actually know anything. Just be there for her."

A quick look over to Donna confirms that she is still sleeping, so Rachel and I just sit in silence for a few minutes. The last hours replaying in my head. It will take a while until I have fully processed what happened today. I remember something else that I desperately wanted to know.

"Has Donna chosen a name for her?"

"She has but she won't tell us. The only thing I do know is that her name starts with an L. She started wearing a new bracelet this weekend and it has a pendant with an L and a peridot stone in it and I put two and two together."

"A Peridot?"

"A green gem. It's the birthstone for August."

~oOo~

We sit in comfortable since until we hear Donna groan loudly. I immediately jumped up from the chair and am by her side in a split second. She is finally awake and while she doesn't look like she is in pain, she does look very uncomfortable.

"Can you call the nurse? I feel like I need to push," she groans.

Rachel pushes the call button and it doesn't take a minute for Amelia to come in. She checks Donna's progress and immediately sends a call out to the doctor.

"We are at 10 cm and I can feel the baby's head. Are you ready, Donna?"

Donna just nods and lets out another groan.

"Daddy wants to stay?" Amelia turns to me.

Donna's head shot up and her eyes find mine. Hers are swimming in questions and fear of rejection. I give her a reassuring smile.

"I do."

Not sure where to stand or what to do, I ask Amelia for instructions as the room fills with medical staff.

"Donna will need to lean forward, so the best place for you would be to sit behind her, giving her support."

Rachel helps Donna to lean forward so I can slide in behind her. Placing my legs on either side of her, she leans back, resting against my chest. I put my arms on top of hers, intertwining our fingers. A nurse takes the bottom part of the bed away, making room for the doctor, and them lifts Donna's legs into stirrups.

"Are you ready to meet our baby?"

Donna just nods against my chest. Suddenly a familiar sound starts playing and I look around in surprise until I see Rachel placing a phone beside the bed. My eyes flash down to Donna's, as the sound of my father singing fills the room.

"I've been playing it for the baby," Donna whispers.

I just stare at her in wonder and disbelieve. This amazing woman had truly incorporated me and my family into her life even when I wasn't around.

I couldn't dwell on the thought as the doctor tells Donna to get ready for the next contraction. Rachel and Amelia grab her legs and I lean forward to hold her up. She grabs my bent knees as the doctor tells Donna to push. Her fingertips bite into my legs and her whole body tenses. Amelia counts to ten before Donna gets to take a break. She breathes for a short moment and then pushes for another ten seconds. I lose count of how many times we do this in rotation. Rachel, Amelia, the doctor, and I encourage Donna over and over again.

Every once in a while, when they allow Donna to rest, she collapses back into me and I wipe her face with a cold, wet cloth that Amelia had given me. I know she is exhausted but she is Donna and Donna doesn't give up. She is not going to stop until she brings our little girl into the world. I am in awe of this beautiful, strong, and amazing woman. I kiss the side of her head and tell her how well she is doing.

Another contraction hits and we are at it again. After several more rounds, the doctor informs us that part of the head is out. One of the other nurses asks if Donna wants to look and when she nods, the nurse brings over a mirror for her to see. There is a part of me that feels like I shouldn't look. Donna and I have only been intimate two times in the 15 years that we've known each other and although the second time was so significant that it brought us to this moment, I realize that we weren't even naked while it happened. It's been over a decade since I have seen Donna naked and I feel awkward and like I'm invading her privacy.

She must sense my hesitation but once the mirror is in place and she gets the first peek at our daughter, she can't contain her excitement and grabs my arm.

"Oh My God, Harvey. Look at her, she's really got my hair."

I look into the mirror and my eyes are instantly filled with tears. She has a full head of strawberry-blonde hair. I am overwhelmed with feelings. How can you love someone that you have never met and have only known about for less than six hours? I'm mesmerized by her already. I wrap my arms around Donna's shoulders and our hands join immediately. Dipping my head, I drop a light kiss on her shoulder.

"I love you."

I am not sure if she heard me, but there is a hitch in her breath. Rachel is wiping tears from Donna's face as her whole body trembles.

The doctor asks her to push again and her grip on my fingers tightens. I no longer care who is in the room or what they think, I just keep whispering "I love you" over and over again into her ear.

My head is in the crook of her neck and my eyes haven't left our daughter and then in the blink of an eye, I see our little girl's face. My grip on Donna tightens in response. The doctor turns her little head and with one more push, she is out.

She is beautiful. So beautiful. All pink and wrinkled and perfect. She immediately starts crying and I have never heard a sweeter sound in my entire life. The doctor cleans out her little mouth and nose and then suddenly she's on Donna's stomach and the nurse is wiping her off with a towel. Donna and I are both crying and our daughter is crying right along with us.

Amelia holds a pair of scissors up.

"Do you want to cut the cord?"

I nervously look at Donna and she smiles at me encouragingly.

"I would love to."

Amelia holds out a pair of scissors and I reach around Donna to cut the part the nurse holds up. I quickly hand the scissors back to her and as soon as I do, they put the baby on Donna's chest with her head right in the crook of Donna's neck. We are both touching her and Donna starts talking to her in the softest voice I have ever heard.

Immediately, she stops crying and I brush my finger over her tiny mouth and tear-stained cheeks.

"Thank you."

Donna turns her head to look at me for just a moment and her eyes wordlessly ask me what for.

"For her. For letting me be part of this. I just… Thank you."

Her gaze quickly drops down to my lips but she catches herself and turns back to our daughter.

"Welcome to the world, Lillian Elizabeth Specter. Happy Birthday, baby girl."

"Donna." I gasp out loud. I had never thought that she would name our daughter after my mom or that she would give her my last name.

Donna turns to me with a smile and I don't even hesitate before I lean in and kiss her. It's soft and sweet and not nearly long enough but it's perfect. Just like Donna. Just like our daughter. I have never been happier in my entire life.

Donna smiles down at our daughter again.

"Hi, Lizzie. You are so beautiful baby girl. Mommy loves you so much."

Lizzie Specter. I like it.

I am grateful that Rachel is around to take pictures and make videos as I forever want a reminder of this day. The day my life changed completely. As we make eye contact, she smiles sweetly at me.

"Congratulations, Dad."

I'm someone's Dad. It takes my breath away. I take in the tiny bundle in Donna's arms again. I helped create her. The thought leaves me breathless.

"Hi, Lizzie. Hi baby girl! Daddy loves you, sweet girl. So much."

We get another short moment with her and then Amelia takes Lizzie to get her cleaned up and weighed. Donna tells me to go with Lizzie and I willingly agree. I walk the few steps to where they are holding her.

"Seven pounds, ten ounces and twenty inches long. A strong and beautiful baby girl."

I smile proudly at Amelia's words and watch as they take a print of her tiny foot.

"Your very first keepsake of her," the nurse hands over the piece of paper and I am in awe of how much smaller than my hand her footprint is.

Amelia moves Lizzie to the warmer and finishes cleaning her up. She puts a diaper on her and pulls a cap over her tiny head. I gently rub my finger over her palm and she instantly wraps her little fingers around my larger one. I realize it's not really her wrapping herself around my finger, but it's her wrapping me around her little one. This little angel has completely and irreversibly stolen my heart.

The nurse wraps Lizzie up in a blanket and hands her over to me.

"Here you go, Dad."

I look into Lizzie's face and she looks up at me and when she does, I realize that she has my eyes. She looks so much like her mom, but her eyes are definitely mine. Her face crunches up again and I know that she is about to start crying any second.

"Hi, sweet girl. It's okay. Daddy's got you."

I take her from Amelia, supporting her head in the crook of my arm. Swaying her gently, I make my way back to the bed. I sit myself down on the edge and just take her in. Donna is sitting up again and just keeps looking at us. I can see the love she has for our daughter in her eyes. I look back at my baby girl, and I am utterly blown away. How can such a small person hold your whole heart?

After a minute, I hand Lizzie over to Donna. She places her at her breast to start feeding her. I remember Marcus telling me how fascinating and utterly beautiful it was for him to watch Katie nurse; seeing that bond between a mother and child. I could never understand what he meant. Until now. They are perfect.

Before Rachel leaves to update Mike, she wants to verify all of the information. "So little Lillian Elizabeth Specter here was born on August 5th at 2:06 AM, weighs 7 pounds 10 ounces and is 20 inches long, is that right?"

Donna's and my eyes immediately snap to each other and we both start laughing.

"Did I miss something?" Rachel asked.

"Fifteen years ago today Donna came to work for me. We used to celebrate with dinner at Del Posto but it looks like we have a new reason to celebrate now."


	8. Chapter 7

A/N THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to my girls Aimee (AimeeValle1 and Stefanie (COOSpecter-Twitter/Andelin-FF) for helping me pull this together this week. Without you, you both know this would have never been updated on schedule. Stefanie you are an absolute angel sent from heaven and your talent amazes me every single week. I hope you all continue on this emotional Darvey journey with us and that you fell in love with sweet Lillian Elizabeth Specter, just like I did.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Donna's POV**

I look down at the beautiful baby girl, lying in my arms. Her strawberry-blonde hair peeking out under the cap. She is safely wrapped up in her blanket and nursing happily. Her first latch hurt a bit but we got into a more comfortable position now.

My whole body feels like I have just been run over by a truck, but it is all worth it to have this precious little one in my arms. I can't believe she is finally here. I can't believe he is here. I lift my gaze to look at Harvey who is fascinated by his daughter's sucking movement. My cheeks get hot and I immediately blush. I can't believe I just opened my gown without a second thought. He saw more of me just a few minutes ago, but now that the adrenalin has left my body, I feel slightly embarrassed.

Studying him, I realize that he's not even seeing me. He's not seeing anything beyond our daughter. I relax again. I am not sure what Mike told him to get him here this quickly, but I am so glad he is. That he didn't miss this. He has taken this whole situation way better than I expected but I know that this is the calm before the storm. If there is one thing everyone knows about Harvey Specter - it is that he values honesty and loyalty above all else. And I haven't been either one. What will our future bring? How involved will he want to be? And what about Paula?

The thought of his girlfriend makes a shiver run down my back. What will she have to say about all this?

I try to block those thoughts out for now and replace them with happier ones. Thoughts of my daughter. I switch her over to my other breast and pull her a bit closer to my body. I can't turn back time and honestly, I wouldn't want to. I made mistakes and while they have cost me my home and my friendship with Harvey, they led me to this, to my baby girl. As hard as the last nine months have been, it all turned out better than I ever thought possible.

The nurses left shortly after Lizzie latched on and Rachel has now finished packing her bag. She pulls over a chair so Harvey can get off the bed and then leans in to give me a hug, cautious of the newborn in my arms. I squeeze her hand as she pulls away.

"Thank you so much, Rachel. For everything."

"It was an honor. And I am sure you will return the favor one day."

She puts a hand on Harvey's shoulder and smiles down at us.

"Have a good night, you three. Mike and I will be back in the morning. He can't wait to meet the newest Specter."

"He doesn't want to stay and meet her?"

"He does, but he knows you need time alone. I took lots of pictures so those will do for now."

She bends down and kisses the top of Lizzie's head, telling her that she loves her.

She leaves and suddenly I am alone with Harvey again. He hasn't said a word since he placed Lizzie back in my arms.

He's sitting in the chair next to the bed, fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket lying over my legs. He seems lost in thought. I'm not even sure if he realizes that Rachel has left.

Lizzie has finished nursing and after burping her, she falls asleep. I don't dare move, not wanting to startle Harvey. He has been through a lot in the past 24 hours, we both have, but I know he will need time to process it all. It is just an illusion, but I like this bubble of bliss we find ourselves in right now. To an outsider, we would look like a normal family and I want to enjoy that feeling for just a moment longer. I know that one wrong word, one wrong move could burst the bubble.

"Can I ask you something?" Harvey suddenly speaks again.

"Anything."

I sound more confident and reassuring than I am. He deserves answers, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to talk about everything that brought us here.

"Why did you choose those names? Why did you give her my name when…," he trails off.

When I didn't even tell him about her. He didn't have to complete the sentence, I know.

"I always knew I wanted to honor Rachel," I start with the easy one. "She has been my rock through the last few months and I don't think I could have done it without her. She is an extraordinary attorney, wife, and an even better friend. Elizabeth is her middle name and I liked how well it worked with the other ones."

I take a moment to gather my thoughts and to find the words to explain my thought process.

"I know you had a complicated relationship with your mom for a long time. You might not appreciate the choices she made in the past and I know that she hurt you, but she also made you the amazing man that you are. You are loyal and hard-working. You don't take shit from anyone. You are honest and while you can be closed off with people, you are vulnerable with the ones you choose to let into your heart. You strive to be the best at everything you do and you love with everything that you are. I wanted to thank her for that. I thought this would be a beautiful way to honor her. I don't know how close the two of you are now, but you learned to forgive her. Just like I hope you can learn to forgive me one day."

He doesn't acknowledge my words but has moved on from the blanket and is now tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair.

"And why Specter? Why didn't you give her your last name?"

He moves his eyes to meet mine.

"To be honest, I had planned to give her my last name. I'm her mom, I was here, it would have made sense. But I never gave you the chance to be here, to be her dad and I didn't want her to carry my name just because it would have been easier on me. I wanted her to have a name she can be proud of. She is your daughter and she is Gordon's granddaughter. She deserves to know who she is and where she came from."

"He always asked for a strawberry-blonde grandchild," he chokes out.

My eyes widen. I thought Gordon only ever joked about that with me, knowing how I felt about his son. I never thought he would actually talk to Harvey about this.

"If I couldn't give her you, at least I could give her your name. I know I haven't said it enough and I probably never will, but I am sorry. I am so sorry. I should have told you about her from the start, but I just couldn't."

"We don't have to talk about that now."

"But I need you to understand…"

"I will, Donna. But not now."

I swallow my words and save them for another time.

"I don't know how much Rachel has told you, but I talked to Lizzie a lot. I know she couldn't understand what I said, but it made me feel less lonely, knowing that someone else was always there with me. I told her about Broadway and the shows we would see together. I told her about growing up in a small town and how much it will differ for her growing up in Seattle. And I told her about you. You might have not been here, Harvey, but she knows you are her dad. And a little girl should have her daddy's name."

He nods in understanding before our eyes unlock and shift to Lizzie again. His hand find her cheek and he gently caresses it.

"Is she asleep?"

"Has been for a while."

Harvey rises and takes her out of my arms. He stands there for a moment, just taking in her face, and then carries her over to her bassinet. I fix my gown and smile as I watch him give his daughter her first goodnight kiss on the forehead. He is so natural with her and it fills my heart with joy.

Making his way back to me, he turns the bedside lamp on and turns the overhead lights off.

"You should get some sleep." He pulls the blanket over me.

"Harvey," I ask, getting comfortable. "Will you stay?"

"Of course."

He places a kiss on my forehead, just as he did with our daughter seconds ago. I close my eyes to savor the feeling. Fighting sleep, I open them again and watch Harvey make his way over to the couch. I wiggle around on the bed, looking for a more comfortable position again. There is still so much we have to talk about. But for now, I'm just happy.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

I have just reached the couch when I hear Donna wince. Turning back around, I see her face scrunch up in pain and she is clutching her stomach. I rush back to her side, taking her hand in mine while simultaneously reaching for the call button. Only seconds later, Amelia comes into the room.

"Good timing I see," the nurse greets us. "I was just on my way to check on you."

"Donna is in pain, you need to do something."

My grip on her hand tightens.

"Nothing to worry about, Dad. This is completely normal and it's actually why I was coming in here."

Amelia pulls the blanket off Donna and lifts the sheet from her side of the bed. Checking things over for a brief moment, she covers Donna again.

"The bleeding looks normal. We want to prevent blood clots from forming, so the uterus needs to be massaged regularly. It also helps with the cramping, so that will solve two problems at once."

She starts kneading Donna's stomach and although she still doesn't look comfortable, I see the pain leave her eyes.

"She will be alright?" I ask just to make sure.

"She will be absolutely fine."

Amelia pulls the blanket back over Donna and gives her a smile.

"You got a good one here. Protective instinct. Important trait for a father to have."

She turns to smile at me and leaves the room.

"Thank you, Harvey."

Donna gives my hand a squeeze.

"Always."

I wait for her to drift off to sleep before I leave her side.

Back on the other side of the room, I stretch out on the small couch but even though I am dead tired, I don't think I will be able to sleep. My mind is racing, mentally rehashing everything that has happened in the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I had my life in order and today I'm a completely different person. I'm a dad. Donna made me a dad. I'm feeling so many different emotions that I can't seem to settle on one. I am in shock, excited, hurt, scared but also so happy. I never knew what was missing from my life until I held my daughter in my arms. My daughter. That word will take some getting used to.

I promised Mike that I would be there for Donna during the birth and I would have done so regardless of his words, but now that everything has calmed down, I am having a hard time pushing the betrayal that I feel down again. Why do Donna and I always manage to hurt each other? Would things have been different if I hadn't asked her to leave the firm? If I had stopped her the night she left New York or tried harder to talk to her in Seattle? Would everything be different? How am I going to do right by my daughter with the way things are now? The question makes me think of one of my therapy sessions with Stan. What would he say if he could see me now?

~oOo~

_"We've talked a lot about your connection to Donna and your ability to open up to her, but how about Paula? You said you felt like you opened up more to her when she was your therapist. You've been together for a while now. Tell me more about your relationship with her."_

_After staring at my twitching fingers for a beat or two longer than I mean to, I come up with a reply._

_"My relationship with Paula is… good, I think. It's solid and easy. We are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we are dedicated when it comes to our jobs and I don't have to explain myself to her."_

_"Having things in common is a good basis for a relationship. I understand that you live together? What made you take that step with her and not with other girlfriends?"_

_I take a moment to gather my thoughts before I reply._

_"Honestly? She makes me forget. When Mike and Rachel and Donna left, she was there. The office feels different now. Empty. But when I go home, she is there and I feel like nothing has changed. She makes me feel less lonely. She is all I have left."_

_"What about your family? I know you have a brother. Are you close to him?"_

_"I wasn't in the past. I moved out of the house when my parents divorced and I left him alone with the mess. He will always be my little brother, but I don't think we were ever able to truly forgive each other for what we did. A while ago, Donna made me rekindle the relationship with my mom and since my brother got a divorce, the three of us get together from time to time."_

_"Do you open up to them?"_

_"I was never good with words when it comes to emotions. I'm better at actions. Donna once told me that she was tired of always watching me fight for everything that happens at the firm but never fighting for what was in my heart."_

_"How does Paula feel about that?"_

_"She knew who I was before I asked her out."_

_"You don't think you need to open up to her?"_

_"I never had to with Donna."_

_"But Paula isn't Donna. You never had a romantic relationship with her. While you were friends, your main relationship was office-based. Paula can only see what you allow her to see. Do you let her see all of you?"_

_"It is not who I am, not what I do."_

_"So you think you can't be yourself with her? Can't be vulnerable with her?"_

_"Every day, I go out and put on this armor. I become who my clients need me to be, who the city expects me to be. I can't allow emotions or feelings to cloud my judgment on a case. There is only winning or losing and I don't lose."_

_"But that is work. Relationships usually aren't about losing. It's about winning together. Opening up to each other and coming out stronger on the other end. Communication is key if you want to have a lasting partnership."_

_I avoid his gaze._

_"Let me ask you something different. You said earlier that you didn't think you should be a dad, because it wouldn't be fair to a child. For one, because of your demanding schedule and because you can't commit. But aren't you committed to Paula? I mean, you are living together. You share your life with her. Could you see yourself married to her? Having children with her?"_

_"I don't know… I mean, I try. Sometimes when she's asleep next to me I try to think about the future. A child. Having a family. But I just can't see it."_

_"Can't see it or can't see it with her?"_

_"Maybe it's just not who I am. Not everyone is cut out to be a husband and father, right?"_

_"No. You are right. Marriage and children aren't right for everyone. But I've listened to you Harvey. Not just today but through all of our sessions and I have to tell you that I don't think that's the case for you. I've listened to you talk about family. Family is incredibly important to you."_

_"There is nothing more important than family."_

_"I want to ask you a strange question. Imagine that you go to sleep tonight and while you are sleeping a miracle occurs. When you wake up you are happier than you have ever been in your whole life. What would have changed in order for that to happen?"_

_I close my eyes and try to do exactly as Dr. Lipschitz has asked. I picture myself waking up actually feeling happy. A concept that seems so foreign these days I'm not sure I can imagine it all. But then something inside me shifts and I can feel a slow smile take over my face._

_"Harvey? Tell me what you are thinking."_

~oOo~

I don't know how long I have been lying here, thinking back to that therapy session and the peace I felt during the thought experiment. It must have been at least an hour before I hear Lizzie stirring and I immediately get up to make my way over to her. Amelia told us that she will need to eat every 2-3 hours, so I expect her to wake up for that soon.

I can't stop staring at her sweet little face and it makes me think about our future. I might have missed the first nine months of her existence, but I was here when she took her first breath and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that I am here for all of her major milestones. Her first tooth, her first steps, her first word, her first day of school, her graduation, her wedding, and all of the small moments in between.

I watch as her face starts cringing and a loud wail leaves her mouth. In an instant, Donna wakes with a start. I carefully pick Lizzie up and bring her over to Donna so she can breastfeed again.

I leave the two to bond and take a shower in the attached bathroom. I stay longer under the spray than I normally would but the water feels cleansing and I do need some time to myself. Even if it's just thirty minutes. Once I get dressed in more comfortable clothes, I take a good look into the mirror. I look as exhausted as I feel and I haven't shaved for two days. But I also look happy. The sparkle in my eyes can't be overlooked.

When I return, Donna has changed Lizzie's diaper and dressed her in an adorable cream-colored onesie with little pink flowers on it and a matching cap. Back asleep in her bassinet, she looks like a baby doll. Watching Lizzie, it occurs to me that even though Donna had Rachel and Mike to help her the past nine months, apart from being there when she was conceived and being here tonight, I haven't done a damn thing for my daughter yet. Even though my absence wasn't by choice, I still feel like I need to make it up to her.

Once Donna has fallen back asleep, I get my laptop out and open up the browser. Searching for stores in the area, I check if they have same-day pickup available and go on a spree. I pick out about a dozen outfits for Lizzie and a few stuffed animals including a little elephant that I just couldn't say no to. I will have to talk with Donna to see if there is anything else that I can get for her. Although knowing Donna, I am certain that Lizzie isn't lacking for anything.

I will need to talk to Louis about setting up a trust fund for her. I want to make sure that she is taken care of if something ever happens to Donna or me.

My phone dings with a notification and I see that it's a text from my mom. A quick look towards the bed confirms that the two redheads are still sleeping soundly.

Good morning. I will be in town for an art show this weekend and wanted to know if you are free for dinner on Saturday - Mom

I stand up and lean over Lizzie's bassinet. I kiss her softly on the top of her head and whisper that I love her. Donna needs her sleep, so I don't approach her, but I take her in for a moment before opening the door.

Stepping out of the room, I follow the signs towards the hospital café and dial my mother's phone number.

"Harvey, I did not expect a call back from you."

"Hi, Mom."

I let out what feels like my first real breath since I arrived here.

"Everything okay, honey? You sound exhausted."

"Everything is great. There is something I need to tell you though. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"Of course. What's going on?"

I take another deep breath and try to figure out how to tell my mom about last night.

"You remember me telling you about Donna and what happened between us right before she left?"

"Of course. Is she back? Did you go to Seattle to talk to her?"

"I was planning to, but the decision was made for me. I got a call from our friend Mike yesterday. He asked me to come to Seattle because Donna needed me. Mom -," my face breaks out into a wide smile and the tears are back in my eyes, "she was pregnant, Mom. I found out last night and this morning she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl."

"Are you saying -?"

"Yes."

"You are a dad?"

"Yes."

A huge grin takes over my face.

"Oh my God, Harvey."

I can hear the shock and excitement in her voice.

"I know. It's a lot to take in."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm great, Mom. I was definitely shocked but Donna was amazing and Lizzie is absolutely perfect. She's so beautiful."

"Lizzie. That's an adorable name. Will you send me pictures? I would really like to see her."

"Lizzie is actually just a nickname, her full name is Lillian Elizabeth Specter and of course I will send you pictures."

"She's named after me?"

I can hear the tears in her voice and wish I could pull her into a hug right now.

"Yes, she is. She's named after you and our friend Rachel, Mike's wife. Donna wanted Lizzie to have a strong name and strong women to look up to."

"Donna picked her name?"

"Yes, she did. She picked it months ago."

"So even though she was keeping the pregnancy a secret she was planning to name the baby after me and give her your last name?"

"She had always planned to tell me, Mom. She didn't find out until she had already moved to Seattle and she didn't want to interfere in mine and Paula's relationship. I don't have all the details yet, but I know Donna and whenever she made a mistake, she did it to save me. She thought telling me would throw everything into turmoil and she didn't need the added stress."

"You are taking this very calmly."

"I'm not actually. I hate it. I hate that I missed so much. But I don't hate her. I'm just eternally grateful that she changed her mind in time for me to be here when Lizzie was born and to share that experience with her."

"I guess I can understand that. As a parent, as a mother, you do whatever you have to in order to protect your child. So what happens now?"

"Well, I was hoping that you could fly out here. I would love for you to meet Lizzie. And Donna, too."

"Of course, I will be there as soon as I can. I will text you when I know my flight arrangements."

"Thanks, Mom! I will send you some pictures when we get off the phone."

"I can't wait to see her."

I think back about my online shopping for Lizzie earlier and wonder if insight from a mother will help with my other purchases.

"Hey Mom, I want to do something for Donna but I don't know what."

"You could get her a push present."

"A what?"

"A push present. It's a gift given to the mother by the father to mark the occasion of her giving birth to their child. Traditionally it is jewelry but honestly, it could be anything that you think Donna would find meaningful."

"That's a great idea. Thanks."

"You're welcome, Harvey. I'll text you about my flight in a little while. Don't forget to send the pictures. Do you want me to let Marcus know the news or do you want to call him?"

"Actually Mom, I would appreciate it if you would let him know. I am anxious to get back in the room. Donna and Lizzie were sleeping when you texted, so I stepped out to call you."

"I will call him and say that you will call as soon as you get a moment."

"Thanks! I love you, Mom. See you soon."

~oOo~

I get myself a strong coffee and quickly make my way back to the room. Donna is still sleeping soundly, but when I peek in on Lizzie I can tell that she is waking up. I gently pick her up and start whispering to her.

"Hey there, beautiful."

I sit back down in a rocking chair next to the couch and begin rocking back and forth slowly. She falls back to sleep fairly quickly, and I just can't stop looking at her. I run my fingers gently over her head and arms and her chubby little cheeks. Still holding Lizzie in one arm, I remember the call with my mom and I take my phone out to search for a push present for Donna. The moment my mother mentioned it, I knew what I wanted and I am able to pick one out fairly quickly. I screenshot the item for later and close the browser. I snap a few more photos of Lizzie, as if there weren't a hundred already, and send a few of my favorites to my mom before putting my phone down on the table.

There are still so many things left unsaid. Last night I told Donna that I love her and I mean it. After all that we've done and achieved together, how could I not? After seeing her last night, her giving me my daughter, how could I not? I don't know what the future holds for us and we won't be able to figure that out in one day. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy this moment with my daughter. In all these uncertainties and hurt feelings, she is the one good and unequivocal thing. Lizzie crunches her face together and begins making noises again. I start with soft cooing sounds and then talk to her softly, trying not to wake Donna up.

"Hi there, little one. Do you know how much you remind me of your mom? You've got her hair and her lips and your cute little nose is just like hers. You take my breath away, just like your mom does. I'm so sorry that I haven't been here baby girl. I would have been if I had known. I wish your mom had told me about you sooner, but it's not all her fault. Daddy's been an idiot for a really long time. I made a lot of mistakes with your mom and she deserves so much better than I have ever given her. You both deserve better. I haven't told your mom yet, but I have been seeing a new doctor to work through some of the issues that I have, and he's really been helping me to see a lot of things more clearly. I hope that it will help me be a better father to you. A dad that you can be proud of. Secretly, I have always wanted to have my own family, I just never really thought it would happen for me. I'm so happy that you are here now sweet girl. I love you so much."

I realize that I have tears in my eyes and wipe them away quickly when I hear Donna shifting in her bed. Rolling towards me, she sees Lizzie in my arms and her face immediately brightens.

"Hi."

"Hey."

I reposition Lizzie so Donna can see her better.

"What are you two up to this morning?"

"Not much. She hasn't been awake very long. She might need to be fed again soon though. I talked to my mom earlier and told her about Lizzie. I hope you don't mind it, but I invited her to fly out and meet you and our girl."

"Of course, I don't mind. I'm sure she is very excited to have another granddaughter."

"She is. I sent her a few pictures a little while ago, but I'm finding that the pictures just don't do this stunning creature justice."

"I know. I've never seen anything more perfect in my life."

I hear Donna shuffling around on her bed, but I just can't take my eyes off my daughter.

"Uhm, Harvey."

"Yeah?"

I pull Lizzie's blanket down a bit so I can get to her hands.

"Have you had a chance to talk to Paula?"

"About what?"

I blow raspberries on Lizzie's little palm and make silly faces at her.

"About Lizzie."

"Oh shit."

My eyes snapped up to meet Donna's and I can see the fear and shame all over her face.

"Why don't I take Lizzie and you can step out and call her? It's okay, she deserves to know."

"Donna-," I start my reply but I don't get far, as suddenly the door to the room opens.

"Knock, knock, the new aunt and uncle are here. I hope everyone is decent."

I see Mike stick his head through the door opening, his hand covering his eyes. Donna lets out a snort and Rachel, who was waiting behind Mike, pushes the door open.

"If you were so scared to see something you shouldn't, why didn't you ask Rachel to come in first?" Donna asks him, still snickering.

Mike takes his hand off his eyes and walks over to give Donna a hug.

"I was too excited. I have waited months to meet my little baby sis. I couldn't wait any longer."

"Mike, how many times have I told you, that I am just too awesome to have you as a son," Donna reprimands him jokingly.

"I'm sorry, big sis."

"That's better."

He gives her a kiss on the cheek and sits down on the edge of her bed.

I look at them in shock. I have suspected that Donna and Mike were close after everything I learned yesterday, but if you didn't know better, you would really think they were siblings.

Suddenly I felt like an outsider in this group that used to be my family. The group who kept the existence of my daughter from me for almost a year. I wait until Rachel has sat her gift basket down before handing my daughter over to her.

I grab my phone from the coffee table and make my way to the door. Donna looks at me questioningly while Mike gushes over Lizzie in his wife's arms.

"Harvey, don't you want to stay? Mike and Rachel just got here."

"No, I- I have to-," I hold up my phone, indicating that I have some emails to catch up on.

Donna's face falls and I feel bad for a second. But I can't stay here. Can't play happy family the way I am feeling right now.

I am halfway out the door when I hear Donna let out a sob.

"Where is Harvey going," Mike asks.

"He's going to call Paula." Donna's sobbing gets louder.

"Oh, Donna. I am so sorry," Rachel is trying to console her friend.

The door falls shut behind me and the voices become silent.


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: Thank you again for joining us on this Darvey journey. Whether you have been with us since day one or just joined today. Thank you to Aimee, without whom Stefanie and I would have likely lost our minds this week. And to Stefanie (COOPaulsen - Twitter/Andelin - FFnet), couldn't have asked for a better partner. I will never be able to express my gratitude or how blessed I feel to be walking this journey with you, even if it is an ocean apart. God Bless Twitter and Google Docs.

This chapter is full of angst and drama. I hope you all enjoy the ride.

**Chapter 8**

**Mike's POV**

The door falls shut behind Harvey and I look at it in shock. Did he really just take off without a word, leaving a crying Donna behind?

"Support her head," are Rachel's only words before she carefully hands Lizzie over to me, going straight to Donna's bedside, pulling her into a hug.

My heart breaks for our friend. I know how scared she has been about Harvey finding out about Lizzie. Based on his reaction last night and everything Rachel has told me, I thought he was taking it well. What happened to make him act like this? This isn't just him stepping out to make a call, this was abandoning Donna when she needed him. I thought we were past this. He promised me he would be there for her.

I put Lizzie into her bassinet, relieved to see that she has fallen back asleep. I can't wait to bond with our new family member, but for now, her mama needs me more.

Sitting down on the hospital bed opposite Rachel, I take Donna's hand in mine and dry her tears with my other one.

"Hey, sis. Do you want me to kick his ass for you?"

"Don't be angry at him. It's not his fault."

"He made you cry, that makes it his fault."

"He didn't. It's me. I am just so stupid."

"Don, you are not stupid. Your hormones are going crazy and you are allowed to cry about it," Rachel comforts her friend.

"He was so sweet and supportive last night and he's been so perfect with her and then he said… and I thought…" Donna's sobbing gets louder and the words get stuck in her throat.

I lie down beside her and pull her into my arms. She cries for a few more minutes and then calms down a bit.

"I can't help but think this is my fault. I called him-"

"I told you to call him."

"And I asked him to be calm and supportive, which he clearly was. I just didn't think his actions would have an expiration date."

"I knew it would happen at one point. I just didn't expect it just yet," she mumbles into my chest. "What if she makes him come home right now? Doesn't allow him to be part of Lizzie's life?"

"From what I heard, he loves your baby more than anything. Not even the Wicked Witch of the East could make him stay away and you know it."

"I know-"

Her voice trails off and for a moment I think she has fallen back asleep. But then she speaks again, even quieter than before.

"You really think he wants to be in her life?"

"Donna, of course, he does," Rachel answers her question. "He loves her so much already. When we talked earlier, he couldn't hear enough about her. He was so excited to be a part of this."

"Well, I guess it's better she has her dad even if it means she has two moms."

I pull Donna off my chest and take her face in my hands.

"Donna Roberta Paulsen. That little girl has one mom, and that's you. Now, let's stop with all these grim thoughts and introduce me to your mini-me already."

Her eyes light up and a smile finds its way back on her face.

"You want to meet her?"

"You think I'm here just for you?" I joke with her.

"I mean, I am pretty awesome."

"You most definitely are."

Relieved that she has calmed down and is feeling more like her normal self again, I give her a kiss on the forehead and get off the bed.

Heading over to the bassinet, I finally have the time to take in the new addition to our group; the Paulsen-Specter heir. With her lean nose, bow-shaped lips and red curls, she is all Donna.

"You did good, Paulsen. She looks exactly like you."

"You haven't seen her eyes yet. There is no hiding that she is Harvey's."

As if listening to her mother, Lizzie opens her eyes, giving me the same piercing look her father is known for. It is unsettling that such a small person can already hold such depth in her eyes, but with Donna and Harvey as her parents, nothing should surprise me. I pick her up and carry her over to the chair next to Donna's bed.

Sitting down with her, I start counting her tiny fingers and toes.

"... 8, 9, 10. All there. And no extras. Always a good sign."

"You're an idiot." Rachel rolls her eyes at me.

"But you still love me." I give her a cheeky grin.

"With everything that I am." She gives me a quick kiss and I focus all my attention on the newborn again.

"Hello, little one. I am your big brother Mike and this is your auntie Rachel." I move Lizzie's hand up and down to make it look like she's waving at Rach. "All three of us have been waiting for you for a very long time now. We can't wait to watch you grow into a strong and even more beautiful young woman. If you are anything like your mom, you will drive all the boys crazy, I'm sure. Just ask your dad, he's got stories to tell about her. I know that your mama and auntie will make sure that you can look after yourself when the time comes, but if you ever need a boy's ass kicked, you come to me, alright? I've been to prison and learned all the tricks. I know how to make it look like an accident."

"Mike," my wife reprimands me before taking one of Lizzie's hands into her own.

"She really is beautiful, Donna." Rachel looks over to our friend who once again has tears running down her face.

"I never thought I could create something so perfect."

"We had no doubt about it."

Lizzie scrunches up her nose and in the next second, the loudest and most shrill scream I have ever heard leaves her mouth. I quickly pass her back to Donna.

"I think someone's hungry. And while I love you like a sister, this is not Game of Thrones and I don't need to see you take your top off."

"How about you go out and get a coffee," Rachel suggests. "Give us some girl time."

"Anything I can bring you back?"

Donna gives me her best puppy-eyed look.

"Still not over them? You ate nothing else for nine months."

"Never," she smacks her lips in anticipation of the taste.

"One Chocolate Croissant coming right up."

~oOo~

Donna is in the shower when I return with her order. Rachel is holding a sleeping Lizzie, apparently not willing to put her down just yet.

I could really get used to seeing my wife with a baby in her arms. Since finding out about Donna's pregnancy, we have talked about our own family a lot. We have both agreed that we should wait until the firm is stable and maybe until Donna is back with us, but seeing the sparkle in Rachel's eyes now, I think she might be ready to start sooner than originally planned.

I am glad that Donna has calmed down again. She has shed more than enough tears since she left New York. I want this to be a happy time for her, she deserves nothing less. I know Harvey can be impulsive but I have never seen him walk out on Donna like this before.

The door to the room opens again and Harvey comes in, looking down at his phone, smiling. The moment he notices me, his face falls.

"You are still here."

"Of course we are still here. We have been by Donna's side for the last nine months. We are not going to abandon her now."

He doesn't acknowledge me and turns his attention to Rachel.

"Where is she?"

"She is taking a shower. She wasn't feeling too well and needed to be alone for a moment."

"Can you tell her to call me when you leave? I don't want her to be alone for too long."

Rachel just stares at him as he makes his way back out the door.

"Did that seriously just happen?" I ask my wife.

She just shrugs her shoulders, cautious of the baby in her arms.

"I will be right back."

Standing up quickly, I head out of the room and follow Harvey.

It takes me a few seconds to locate him in the busy corridor, but at last, I see him make a turn down the hallway ahead.

Running after him, I push my way through the doors he just went through. He hadn't gotten far and I find him leaning against the wall, staring at his phone again.

"What was that just now?"

I don't think I have ever been this angry with him. The fact that he doesn't reply and just throws me a murderous look is not helping with my rage.

"Dude, I'm talking to you."

"Sucks for you, 'cause I'm not talking to you."

"What the fuck is your problem?"

Harvey pushes away from the wall, stepping up closely into my face.

"You want to know what my fucking problem is? You are my fucking problem."

He drives his point home by pointing a finger into my chest.

"Harvey, I'm sorry but I have no idea-"

"I so wish I could hit you right now."

He clenches his fist and I take a step back, actually worrying he will take a swing at me. I hold my hands up in surrender and he steps around me.

"How long have you known?"

"If this is about Donna-"

"Of course this is about Donna. How long have you known?"

"About six months, but Harvey-"

For the second time in two days, I find myself crushed into a wall. His forearm pressing against my throat makes it hard for me to breath.

"Harvey, I'm sorry," I beg.

"I don't want to hear your excuses. Not again. Your loyalties lie with me. With me!"

"She needed me."

"I needed you."

"She needed me more."

He finally lets go of me and I hunch forward, trying to catch my breath again. I fear that Harvey will take off again, but he just walks back and forth in front of me, blowing off steam.

"You weren't here, Harvey. You don't know what it was like."

"And whose fault is that, exactly?"

"She asked me not to tell you."

"You kept her from me. For months, you kept my daughter from me."

"I didn't keep anyone from you. This was Donna's decision and I chose to respect it."

"Well, it was the wrong fucking decision."

"And what are you basing that on? You do remember why she came to Seattle to begin with, right? You let her go."

"What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me."

"I didn't let her do anything. I didn't even know she was leaving until she was already gone."

"And what did you do when you found out? Did you try to stop her? Did you come after her? No, you stayed in New York with your girlfriend, like the coward you are, and went on with your life, while she came here and fell apart."

"Don't presume to know what my life was like after she left."

"Well, she's been right here, Harvey. Not hidden away. She's been right here in Seattle, working at the clinic, waiting for you. But with time, she lost faith that you would ever step up."

"Step up? How was I supposed to step up when I didn't even know about the pregnancy? And I did try. The morning of the gala, she said she needed time and then she ran off before the thing was even over. I gave her the space she asked for. And the last time I came here, she took the day off on purpose, knowing she couldn't hide her pregnancy from me. So don't give me shit about not trying. After everything we've been through together, why couldn't you just be honest with me? I've lost so much time because of you."

"Because of me? I'm not the one who tore her heart to shreds, whose girlfriend made her leave in the first place. You used her to get off when you needed it and then left her standing there. You fucked her and then pretended it never happened. And still, she is the one who feels guilty about it."

He tries to push me against the wall again, but I block him off. I can see that last comment broke something inside him. I have never seen so much pain in someone's eyes. Part of me wants to ease up on him, but I know that's not what he needs.

"Hit me, if it will make you feel better, but it won't change the facts, Harvey. You treated her worse than a stranger. And if I'm honest, you didn't treat me much differently. How many times have you picked up the phone to call? You never gave us an inkling that you would like to be involved in our lives after we left. We've seen you twice in nine months. You never made a real effort to spend time with Donna or Rachel."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I was never even given the option to be involved in your new life. I came back from Chicago and the three of you left the next morning. I wanted her to stay, wanted her to come back to the firm. She asked me for time and then never tried to reach out again."

"Harvey, you didn't see her. Just mentioning your name made her lock herself into her bedroom. The thought of ruining your relationship with Paula, of making you a cheater, it ate her up from the inside. The day she told me about Lizzie, was the first time I saw her smile in three months. But it didn't last. She wanted you, despite knowing that she could never have you. Having you come in and out of their lives, sharing you with Paula, knowing what she did to her? She couldn't do it. So she begged me not to tell you. And I supported that decision. I won't apologize for trying to fix what you broke."

His face falls the moment I mention his girlfriend and I wonder how she took the news of Harvey's sudden fatherhood. She must know that Donna got pregnant while she was with Harvey.

"I can't take it back, Harvey. I'm sorry, but it happened and I would do it all over again if I had to."

"You don't even regret going behind my back? Donna had Rache, I should have had you."

"When will you see that this wasn't about you? You were fine on your own, she wasn't. She needed us."

"Dammit Mike. I was anything but fine. I was drowning. And there was no one there to pull me out. But just forget it. Go back to them. Because apparently, you don't give a damn about me. Neither one of you does."

"Harvey, you know that's bullshit." But I finally understand what his real problem with the situation is, so I try a more gentle approach. "We love you. This was never about excluding you. Believe me when I tell you, that we all wanted you here."

"Is this your way of showing that?" He gestures around, pointing at the hospital.

"I might have kept this one thing from you, but I am not leaving you. We are your family. Donna, Lizzie, Rachel and me. We will always be here for you."

Harvey stops his pacing and leans back against the wall.

"I am grateful that she had you two, but she needed me. And you should have known that."

"She loves you and she just wanted you to be happy. And yes, she was cautious about who to let into her life the last few months. She needed to protect herself."

"How could she ever think I would be happy without her in my life?"

"You never tried to fix it. So, in her eyes, you were happy without her."

We stand side by side, not talking, just thinking about the past and wondering what the future will hold.

"Are you ready to go back inside?" I ask him after a few minutes.

He nods and we make our way back down the hall. Halfway to Donna's room, I interrupt the silence with a question that has been on my mind for the last hour now.

"By the way, how did it go with Paula? Do you think she will understand?"

Harvey stops immediately and looks at me horrified.

"Fuck," he yells loudly and everyone in the hallway turns to us.

I give them an apologetic look and pull Harvey into a corner.

"What the fuck, man? What's wrong with you?"

I feel Harvey's arms shake and his face lose all color.

"She really thought I went to call Paula, didn't she?"

"Are you telling me you still haven't told your girlfriend yet? Do you want to keep this from her? Keep Donna and Lizzie a secret? After the way you just blew up at me for not letting you know the minute I found out?"

"Mike, it's not what you think."

"Then tell what is going on or I will make sure you never get to set foot into that hospital room ever again. You've hurt Donna more than enough already."

With one last condescending look, he finally tells me what happened since we've last seen each other.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

_Stepping out of LaGuardia airport, I spot Ray immediately. Once inside the car, I ask him to head straight to the office, not feeling up to facing Paula at home just yet. _

_During the drive, he distracts me with light conversation, asking about Mike and Rachel and their new life in Seattle. I know he misses Donna and the easy banter they always shared when she was in my car, but when he starts asking about her, I shut him up with a single look. _

_I regret taking the red eye home when I feel my eyes getting heavy. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep on the flight and if I didn't have to work today, I would have gladly booked a later flight out of Seattle. And maybe even taken another shot at talking to Donna. _

_I didn't have a lot of meetings on my schedule today, which suddenly seems like a double-edged sword. The last thing I want right now is time to think. I need to figure out what I'm going to do but thinking about my personal life is not on my list of things for today. I just want to work. And I want to forget. Meetings I can handle but I won't be able to concentrate when sitting in my office doing paperwork. I feel like I am losing my mind just thinking about it. _

_Before I know it, we arrive at the firm. I ask Ray to be back at 11:30 for my first appointment outside the office and then get out to head inside the building. I press the button for the elevator and when the doors open, I come face to face with the last person I want to see right now. _

_"__Paula."_

_She immediately steps towards me and before I know it she is kissing me. I'm not sure if it is the shock of seeing her so unexpectedly or if it is everything that happened over the last few days but I don't kiss her back. _

_Sensing that something is wrong, she pulls back but keeps her hands wrapped around my arms, giving me a questioning look. _

_"__What's going on?"_

_"__What do you mean?"_

_"__I mean we haven't seen each other for days and I missed you. I figured you wouldn't have time to come home before work, so I was hoping to catch you here. But you look like you would rather face a firing squad than to see me, much less kiss me. So, what is going on?"_

_She looks hurt and the guilt builds up in me._

_"__I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get a lot of sleep on the plane and I wasn't expecting to see you. You just surprised me, that's all."_

_"__Are you sure that's all it is?" She looks skeptical._

_"__Of course. I just have a lot on my mind and you caught me off guard." _

_"__As long as you are sure."_

_"__I am." _

_I know that it is wrong to lie to her, just like I know that we need to talk. But this was neither the place nor the time for it. _

_"__I'm already running late, but we will talk more tonight."_

_With a kiss on the cheek, I send her off and make my way to the 50th floor. _

_~oOo~_

_Just like I expected, work offered little distraction today and I kept thinking back to the last nine months of my life, the decisions I made, but more than that, the ones I let other people make for me. _

_Back in Ray's car after a grueling meeting with Coleman & Howell, I realize that I dodged the conversation long enough. Changing my destination to Paula's practice, I let my head fall back against the seat and take a deep breath to settle my emotions. _

_~oOo~_

_I know that Paula's last client finishes at 6 p.m. and that she then uses the next two hours to catch up on paperwork, so she should still be at her old house. I feel bad for springing this visit on her, but I hope that the familiar space of her practice will allow me to be more open with her. _

_Knocking on her door, I cautiously open it and see the surprise on her face when she realizes that it's me._

_"__Harvey, what are you doing here? I thought we would meet up at home."_

_"__I'm sorry, but I just couldn't wait any longer. I think we need to talk." _

_She takes a seat in her armchair and gestures for me to sit down on the couch. Immediately, this feels more like a therapy session than a conversation between lovers. Her face is grim when she asks me her first question._

_"__This is about her, isn't it?"_

_I know exactly who she talking about but admitting it would be throwing fuel into the fire._

_"__Who?"_

_"__You know who. Donna."_

_"__Why do you think this is about her?"_

_"__I don't know, Harvey. You tell me. Did you see her?"_

_"__This isn't about Donna, Paula. This is about us. About me."_

_"__Then why won't you tell me if you saw her?" _

_"__I didn't see her, Paula. Not even in passing. I didn't see her and I didn't talk to her. I haven't had any contact with her since I saw her at the gala, months ago."_

_"__Then why does it feel like she's right here between us?"_

_"__Because she is."_

_Paula looks at me in utter shock and I'm sure my face holds a similar expression. I didn't expect that to come out of my mouth either. _

_"__I knew it." She throws her hands up in disbelieve. "This was always about her, wasn't it? You coming here tonight. Flying off to Seattle whenever you can. The way you changed since she left. I have been so stupid."_

_"__She is part of this, but not in the way you think." _

_"__Did you sleep with her?"_

_My eyes widen and my breathing stops. _

_"__Why would you ask me that?"_

_"__This past weekend? Did you?"_

_"__I just told you that I didn't even see her. And I don't fly off whenever I get the chance. I went to Seattle exactly twice in six months. I miss my friends, Paula. Donna, Mike, and Rachel were part of my life before you and I even met."_

_"__I know they were. But that doesn't explain..."_

_"__Donna was the only constant in my life. We worked side by side every single day for fourteen years and then suddenly she was gone. Not just from the firm, but from New York, from my life. Of course, it changed me." _

_"__Why didn't you say something?"_

_"__I told you before that it wasn't fair to make her leave but you made it clear that we wouldn't make it if she continued working at the firm. I did what I had to do. I chose you over her."_

_"__If you miss her so much, why didn't you try harder to make her stay in New York?"_

_"__She didn't take the job with Stu, but I never thought it meant she would leave the city. I didn't even know she was moving until after she was gone. She was my best friend and I let her down. I didn't fight for her, the way she would have fought for me." _

_"__Why did you think you had to keep this from me?"_

_"__I didn't think you would want to hear it. She was always a touchy subject between us like this conversation shows."_

_"__Harvey, in case you haven't noticed, we've been dating for almost a year. We live together. Donna might not be my favorite person but I love you and if you are hurting, I want to help. I can't do that if you shut me out." Her face softens and her body becomes less tense. "So you really haven't seen her or spoken to her in months?"_

_"__I really haven't. I went looking for her on Friday, but she wasn't there."_

_"__Why were you looking for her?"_

_"__I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry about how things ended. And I wanted to tell her that I miss her being a part of my life. That I want her to come back home."_

_"__Do you want to be with her?"_

_"__I told you this isn't about her."_

_"__It certainly feels like it is."_

_"__Why are you so desperately trying to make it about Donna? It's about me. About me not feeling like myself. I haven't felt like myself for a long time now."_

_"__What do you mean?"_

_"__I can't be me when I'm with you." The second I said it, I regretted it._

_For all the things I said and done to Paula today, this one clearly hurts her the most. Tears spring into her eyes and she grabs her chest as if to protect her heart from the words. From me. I did this to her. I want to get up and console her, but I am rooted to my seat, not able to do anything but watch the woman in front of break down. _

_"__Paula, I'm sorry. I didn't-"_

_She holds her hand out in front of her body, shutting me up. I stop talking and don't dare to move. _

_We sit in complete silence for a few minutes and then suddenly it seems as if something shifts in Paula. She drops her hand from her chest and sits up straighter in her chair. _

_"__Why do you think you can't be yourself around me?"_

_"__I don't know."_

_"__Harvey, you do know. Talk to me. Did I give you the feeling you had to be someone else?" _

_"__I have this wall up around me that keeps people from seeing the real me. They only see what I want them to see."_

_"__I thought we were over this issue when you stopped coming to therapy. I'm your girlfriend now. You should be able to be honest with me."_

_"__I should be able to remove my armor for you, should be able to let you in. But I can't."_

_"__Why not?"_

_"__The more you see of me, the more likely you are to leave. And I didn't want you to leave. Not when everyone else already left."_

_"__Are you holding on to me so you are not alone?"_

_"__You make it sound like it's a bad thing." _

_She looks at me in disbelief._

_"__It is, Harvey. It is a really bad thing." _

_"__Everyone else left. My dad, Jessica, Mike, Rachel,… I couldn't let you leave too."_

_"__Couldn't? Or can't?"_

_"__Do you know why I went out of town this weekend?"_

_I can see that she would have preferred a direct answer, but the therapist in her is giving me the chance to explain how I came to a conclusion. _

_"__You said Mike called and invited you out for a guys weekend."_

_"__That was a lie."_

_"__Why would you lie about that?"_

_"__In my session with Dr. Lipschitz last week, we talked about whether or not I wanted to be a husband or a father and when it was over I was left feeling confused and deflated. I thought, going to Seattle and seeing Mike and Donna might help clear my head. I wanted to talk to her. Get closure, one way or the other." _

_"__Let me get this straight. You talk to your therapist about marriage and family and your first instinct is to jump on a plane to see your friend and the woman you can't seem to get over, instead of talking to your girlfriend?"_

_"__I needed answers."_

_"__And you couldn't get those from me?"_

_"__I wasn't sure it was something I wanted to involve you in."_

_"__So you can see it, you just can't see it with me?"_

_"__I'm sorry, Paula. I really am. I do love you."_

_Realization takes over her face. _

_"__But you are not in love with me."_

_"__I'm so sorry. I tried. But it isn't fair to you when I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. When I can't see a future here." _

_"__When you are in love with someone else."_

_I don't reply to her, feeling that she doesn't need an answer to know it's true. _

_I rise from the couch and make my way over to her. Pulling her up from the chair and into my arms, I give her one final hug. _

_"__I will book a hotel for the rest of the week. I hope that gives you enough time to get your things from the condo. Let me know if you need longer." _

_When we pull apart, I wipe the tears from her eyes._

_"__I really am sorry, Paula. I never meant to hurt you."_

_She doesn't reply._

_Making my way to the door to leave, I look back and we share a sad smile. I turn and close the door behind me, feeling free and more like myself than I have in a year. _

~oOo~

It has been three months since the breakup and I know it was the absolute right decision, but thinking about the way I hurt Paula, and now Donna, still stings.

I only give Mike the bullet points, how I realized that I didn't feel like myself when I was with Paula and how I couldn't see a future with her. How I came to that conclusion is not something I am willing to share with him at the moment.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What difference would it have made?"

"It would have changed everything. You just spent a whole day fuming that I didn't tell you the truth when you kept this from me as well. You being with Paula was the reason Donna left."

"Donna left because I couldn't be the man she needed me to be."

"And you think you are now?"

"I know that I am now."

I think back to Stan's words from all those months ago, as we continue our walk. He had so much faith in me when I had none.

"Mike," I stop my friend when we reach the door. "Do you think I can do this?"

"Honestly, I think you were born to do this. And I don't just say that so you don't hit me. Harvey, you might not be my dad, but you looked after me like I was your son. You almost went to prison for me and you would have done it for Donna as well. You would do anything for your family and the little girl in there couldn't have asked for a better dad."

"Thank you."

I pull him in for a hug.

"You are welcome."

"I mean it. Thank you. For being there for them when I wasn't."

"You are here now and that's what counts." He moves back and opens the door. "Come on, let's get back to our girls."

~oOo~

Mike and Rachel only stay for a few more minutes and then leave Donna and me to talk alone.

I keep busy with Lizzie while they say their goodbyes and then try to fight through the awkward silence that stayed in the room when our friends left.

With the baby back asleep, I sit down on the couch, throwing cautious looks towards Donna. I know that I have to apologize for the way I left and explain the Paula situation to her. But how do I tell her that I could have been here months ago and wasn't?

"Does she hate me now?" Donna breaks the silence and then lets out a sarcastic laugh. "Or should I say, does she hate me even more now?"

"She doesn't hate you, Donna." I get up from the couch and step up to the foot of the hospital bed, propping my arms up on the frame. "She was jealous of you. Scared that I would see what was in front of my face all along and that I would leave her for you."

"Not such a good therapist after all, eh? Can't even analyze her own boyfriend."

"She might not be a good therapist, but she analyzed my feelings just right."

"What do you mean?

"When I got here, I told you that we would talk about everything later and I didn't even think to explain."

"Explain what?"

Donna seems cautious but I also see a small glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Donna, there's so much I need to tell you."

I shake my head unsure where to begin.

"You must have thought I was awful telling you I loved you and kissing you last night."

"To be honest, I didn't. I don't. We were friends, best friends for years. It's not the first time you told me you love me. What happened last night was emotional and overwhelming for both of us. We might have ended things on a bad note when I left New York, but we have always shared a special connection and now we are bonded for life through our daughter."

"We certainly are. And I wouldn't have it any other way." I whisper the last part and am not sure if Donna heard me or not. But I wouldn't care either way. She deserved to know how important she is to me.

"So, did you call her? What did she say?"

She is ready to rip off the bandaid. If only she knew in advance that it wouldn't hurt in the way she expected it to.

"I don't need to call her, Donna. I ended things with Paula months ago."

"Oh, I didn't know." Her face portrays the initial shock, but she catches herself quickly, putting a neutral look on. "I'm sorry, Harvey. I know how much you cared about her, loved her."

"I did care about her. I even loved her. But I was never in love with her."

I see something shift in Donna's eyes and the tension in the room lifts.

"It took me a while to see the difference, but I realize that now. Just something else that Dr. Lipschitz helped me with."

"Dr. Lipschitz as in Louis' therapist?"

"Mine and Louis' therapist if you can believe that. We actually did joint sessions together to work on our relationship. Louis' words, not mine."

"I would have paid good money to be there for that." Donna laughed.

"It would have been worth it."

We sit in comfortable silence for a moment, but I can see that Donna has another question when she starts fidgeting around. I give her a prompting look.

"Out with it, Paulsen. What do you want to know? Did I get a cat? Or a Mud Club Membership Card?"

"Actually, I was wondering what else Dr. Lipschitz helped you with?"

"We worked on a lot of things, but the biggest breakthrough led to my breakup with Paula."

"You realized you weren't in love with her, that is a big one."

"I realized that I wanted this."

I give her a penetrating look and her eyes widen.

"What?" she croaks out.

"This." I gesture towards Lizzie. "Fatherhood. A family. And I realized that I couldn't see it with her."

The cautious smile we share gets interrupted by our daughter's whimpering.

Looking down into the bassinet, I see her adorable face scrunch up in a cute but not so happy expression.

"Uh oh, somebody is not a happy camper."

"She's probably hungry. I'll take her."

I gently hand Lizzie over to Donna who gets ready to open up her gown.

"I know we have a lot to talk about, but I want to let you focus on Lizzie right now and I really need to make a few calls. Will you be okay if I step out for a bit. I won't be gone long."

"Of course." She positions Lizzie in her arm, ready to feed her.

"I left yesterday with no real explanation and really need to check in with the firm. Would you be okay with me telling Louis?"

"Of course. Tell him I said Hi and that he is always welcome to come visit. Why don't you call Jessica too?"

"As long as you are okay with it."

"Of course, she's your daughter. You can tell anyone you want."

I smile appreciatively at her.

"Can I get you anything while I'm out?"

"No. I'm good right now. But thanks."

I lean down and kiss the top of Lizzie's little head and without thinking I drop a kiss on Donna's forehead as well.

"I'll be back in a little bit. Call me if you need anything."

"We will be fine."

She picks up Lizzie's little hand, so it looks as if she is waving and then says in the sweetest voice: "Say bye to Daddy, baby girl."

My heart melts and Donna and I smile at each other again.

Despite all these uncertainties and hurt feelings, this feels just like it used to between us. As I step out of the room, I make a vow to do whatever it takes to make things right again.


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: WOW! We were completely overwhelmed by the 21 absolutely amazingly supportive reviews this week. I could let the one guest reviewer, who very passionately expressed her disappointment at the way that Harvey was treated by Mike get me down but instead, I am choosing to be encouraged and motivated by the beautiful words that the rest of you shared with me instead. I love how much you all love this story and these characters. Especially Lizzie. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You for continuing on this journey with us.

To the guest reviewer, I hate that I couldn't respond to you personally and that you didn't understand where Mike or I was coming from. There are no innocent parties in this situation. This was about getting Harvey to see where Mike was coming from. Harvey was ready to beat Mike to a pulp. Mike was simply defending his choice to protect Donna. All of them, Mike, Donna, and Rachel knew that it was wrong to keep the secret, and none of them ever intended for it to go this far, but they also weren't doing it to be malicious. They all thought they were doing the right thing. Just like Harvey thought he was doing the right thing. They all made mistakes. And this certainly isn't the end of this as you will see in the chapter below. There are still talks to be had, especially between Donna and Harvey.

To Aimee and Nathalie, thank you for being amazing as always. To Stefanie (COOPaulsen-Twitter, Andelin-FFnet) all I can really say is thank you for being the best writing partner a girl could ask for.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Harvey's POV**

I hop into the next available cab outside the hospital and dial Louis' number.

"Harvey, what's going on? Gretchen told me you won't be coming in today. Are you alright? I've got this amazing Miso soup that can cure anything. I can send a pot over and you will be back tomorrow for the CitiGroup merger."

I suppress a chuckle at my friend's rapid monologue.

"Louis, calm down. I'm good. Actually, I'm amazing but I won't be back tomorrow or the rest of the week. There is something I want to tell you, though. Are you sitting down?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Just humor me, please."

I hear the sound of his office door closing and the squeaking of his chair.

"Okay, I'm sitting. What happened? You're scaring me."

"Louis, last night I became a dad."

"You became a what now?"

"A dad. I have a daughter and her name is Lillian Elizabeth Specter and she is the most beautiful thing in the world."

"Am I being Punkd? Are you messing with me? I saw Paula just a few months ago and she was most definitely not pregnant."

"Paula's not the mother, but it is someone you know."

"Harvey, what are you telling me here? Did you knock up my sister?"

"Louis, don't be ridiculous. You met Esther for lunch last week."

I pull the phone away from my ear and send a picture of Lizzie in her mother's arms to Louis.

"Harvey, are you still there? This is not funny."

"I'm here, sorry. Check your messages, I just sent you something."

The line goes quiet for a few seconds and then I hear a loud crash and my friend cursing repeatedly.

"Louis, are you alright?"

"I just fell out of my chair."

This time I can't hold back my laughter.

"Harvey, the woman in that picture is Donna. Are you telling me-?" The shock in his voice is clearly audible but then it quickly turns accusatory. "What did you do?"

"Well, what do you think I did? But I had no idea that Donna was pregnant."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Louis, you know me, you saw what I was going you really think if I had known, I would have stayed in New York while Donna was in Seattle pregnant with my child?"

"You're right, I'm sorry. You missed her so much as it was."

"Thank you."

The cab pulls over at the curb and while Louis gathers his thoughts, I pay the driver and get out.

"So, wow," he stumbles over the words. "I don't even know what to say. But I guess a wild stallion like you can ride a beautiful mare and bring a stunning colt into the world."

My face crunches in disgust at the image but I'm still wearing a big grin as I walk into the first store and start looking around.

"I'll take that as congratulations then?"

"Yes, of course. Congratulations. She is adorable. Lillian, you said?"

"Lillian Elizabeth, after my mom and Rachel. But we call her Lizzie."

"Classic name, but of course Donna has always had impeccable taste."

"Louis, I wanted to ask for a favor. I was thinking of setting up a trust fund for Lizzie and there is no one I trust more with that than you."

"Say no more, I will get it done within the day. But now, tell me everything. Were you there for the delivery? Was it natural or C-section? Doctor or midwife?"

I pull the phone away from my ear to evade Louis in his purest form.

"I have to hang up now, but why don't you call Donna? I'm sure she is willing to tell you all the grueling details."

"You mean she is already up for girl talk?"

"Absolutely, Louis."

"I will call her right now. I wonder if she is going to save the cord blood."

"Okay, goodbye, Louis."

We hang up and I send a quick message to Donna.

_I'm sorry for whatever is about to happen in the next few minutes. - H_

_Do I have to be scared? - D_

_Very - H_

I pocket my phone again and approach one of the salesladies. She introduces herself as Karen and after I describe what I am looking for, she instantly pulls out a few options. It doesn't take me long to decide; the moment I see it, I know it's the one. On my way to the checkout, I pass another display case and something sparkling catches my eyes.

Karen gives me a knowing smile. "What's her name? Your daughter?" she asks while getting the tiny bangle out of the case.

My own smile only widens.

"Lizzie."

"You can get it engraved if you like," she explains when handing me the jewelry.

I love the idea and tell her what I want it to say.

"First-time dad?" she asks while ringing me up.

I nod.

"I can see that in your smile. Congratulations. She's a very lucky girl."

"I'm a lucky guy."

"We will give you a call once it's done. It shouldn't be longer than an hour."

~oOo~

Leaving the other gift with the saleslady for now, I head down a block to the second store on my list. Everything is already bagged up and I'm in and out in minutes.

Expecting the next call to be a longer one, I follow the signs towards a nearby park for an uninterrupted conversation.

Calling the number that once used to be on my speed dial, it doesn't take long for her to pick up.

"Harvey, to what do I owe the pleasure? Is the firm on fire again, because I told you, I am not responsible for you anymore. You are a big boy now and I can't hold your hand forever."

"If I remember correctly, the last time we saw each other, you needed my help. But no, I'm calling about a personal matter. Do you have a few minutes, I might need your advice on it."

"A personal matter? Don't you have friends for that?"

"Not when they are the matter. And don't pretend we are not friends."

"You are more like the son I never asked for, but okay, hit me with it, pretty boy."

I find myself outside the park gate and making my way inside, I sit down on a bench close to the zoo entrance. Watching school children run around and families on outings, I give Jessica the story of my last two days.

"Yesterday, I found out that Donna was nine months pregnant. She gave birth to a baby girl this morning."

"Harvey-" Her voice quickly switches from bemused to stunned. "I am so sorry."

"She's mine."

"Excuse me?"

"The baby, Lizzie, she's mine."

"You and Donna-"

"Just once - and I was still with Paula at that time."

"Harvey, you know what I told you about Paula and you transferring your feelings for Donna on her. And what you should do about that."

"And I told you it wasn't that easy."

"And yet you slept with her."

I don't reply.

"Just tell me what happened and I will see how I can help you admit your feelings to her."

"This is not about-"

"Remember who you are talking to. You might not have been able to acknowledge or accept what she means to you, but believe me, I know. I have always known how you feel about her. This is the woman you wouldn't come to the firm without. The woman whose salary you paid for years. For God's sake, you started having panic attacks when she went to work for Louis. You were a better man when she was by your side. It's why I didn't blink an eye when you brought her back after the Coastal Motors fiasco."

There is no way to talk bullshit with Jessica and I know it.

"It happened the night you came to my place and told me to take your name off the wall. Right after you left I went back to the firm and Donna kissed me. One thing led to another and I didn't handle the situation well."

"What do you mean?"

"I basically ran out right after and went home to Paula. I avoided Donna the best I could until I asked her to resign because Paula thought we shouldn't work together anymore."

"Harvey!"

"I know."

"So you just let her go?"

"I didn't want to, but I had no other choice."

"Bullshit. You were just too much of a coward to go there."

"I did try. I went to Seattle but she wouldn't talk to me."

"How many times?"

"Why does it matter?"

"How many times, Harvey?"

"I guess twice. But she went out of her way not to talk to me both times."

"So you go there twice and expect her to fall back into your arms?"

"They kept her pregnancy from me."

"I heard that and I will get to that, but for now I want to find out why they thought they had to keep it from you. This is Donna we are talking about. The woman is incapable of hurting you on purpose. I'm sure there was a reason for her secrecy."

"They said, Donna thought I was happy. She knew what the truth would do to my relationship with Paula. I guess she thought she was protecting me in some way."

"With _they_, I figure you mean Mike and Rachel. So you haven't talked to Donna yet?"

"Not about this, no."

"Why not?"

"The opportunity hasn't exactly presented itself."

"If you are waiting for the right moment, your daughter will graduate college before you had that talk. If you ever want to have a healthy relationship with her, you will need to understand each other's sides. Just so I get it right, she saw you choose Paula over her which made her leave and you then thought she didn't want you in her life at all?"

"Basically, yes."

"And in reality, you were both pining away for each other?"

I can practically hear her eyes roll and don't answer.

"I will never understand why you and Donna are so in sync and yet so unable to communicate with each other."

"It's a gift. I just can't get over the fact that she was pregnant and no one told me. Lizzie is my child, there will never be a good enough reason for not telling me."

"I agree."

"You do?"

"Of course, I do. Harvey, I know better than anyone what family and loyalty mean to you. It wasn't right of them to keep this from you."

"Thank you. Finally, someone who-"

"But that doesn't mean you weren't at fault here too," she interrupts him. "You both made mistakes and it's not up to me to decide who made the bigger one. It happened and you can't turn back time. Right now, you can only decide how you are going to deal with the consequences of your decisions. You know I was always rooting for you two and if this isn't the perfect opportunity to make things right, I don't know what is."

"I am not sure I can forgive them for this."

"Harvey, I know you already have. You are allowed to be angry and hold a grudge for now but learn from what happened with your mom. Don't waste years being angry. Being away from the people that you love, your family, it's not what you want. You love Donna and it's time you tell her that."

"I don't-"

"Listen to me, boy. I don't have time to come to Seattle to kick your ass. You go on and send me a picture of that baby of yours and then you let her mother apologize to you for her mistakes. And maybe apologize for your own while you're at it."

"Yes, Mom."

"You are not too old to be put over my knee, you know."

"Isn't Jeff already occupying that spot?"

"Don't get mouthy with me, Specter," she jokes back. "So, you really got a daughter? Poor girl."

"I think you meant, poor me. I am outnumbered by redheads. I might never make it out alive."

"You won't be getting any sympathy from me. You love it and you know it."

"It is pretty awesome."

"Changed any diapers yet?"

"No, but I can't wait."

"Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?" Jessica laughs and I follow suit.

This is the first time since I got Mike's call that I actually feel free and relaxed.

"Who would have thought that talking babies with Jessica Pearson could be so cathartic."

"You should know by now to never underestimate me."

"Thank you, Jessica. For everything."

"Good luck, Harvey. I know you will do great."

Without giving me a chance to reply, she hangs up.

Staying seated for a few more minutes, I scroll through my gallery, looking for the perfect picture to send to my old mentor. Finding one that Rachel took with me standing over Lizzie's bassinet and another one with her having a tight grip on my finger, I hit send. It doesn't take long for Jessica to reply.

_She's cute. Can't have many of your genes then. - J_

_You called me 'pretty boy' not ten minutes ago. - H_

_If you think that was a compliment, you are not as clever as I thought you were. - J_

_Oh, please. You love me. - H_

_Unfortunately. - J_

~oOo~

Making my way past strollers and children, I get excited about the thought of taking Lizzie to Central Park one day. Visiting the zoo or one of the playgrounds, watching the elephants with her on my shoulders or catching her at the bottom of the slide. All the things Marcus and I loved to do with my dad when he was home. Whenever dad was booked in New York, the whole family came along and we spent the day at the park, while mom went shopping. Marcus always preferred the lions, while I was fascinated by the elephants. Riding on my dad's shoulders, I pretended to be as big as they were, forming a trunk with my arms and trumpeting as loud as I could. I can't wait to share similar days with Lizzie in the future.

There is one more phone call I want to make before I return to the hospital, this being the first one I'm actually a bit nervous about. Checking the time, I hope I am able to catch him between patients. I'm in luck and he picks up after three rings.

"Harvey, I did not expect to hear from you today. Our next session isn't for another three days."

"About that, I might have to cancel for the foreseeable future."

"I thought you were making such good progress, I don't think stopping therapy now would be advisable."

"I'm not stopping, Stan. I'm just not in New York. I'm in Seattle."

I don't have to explain the significance of the city to him, he knows.

"Harvey, I'm so proud of you. This was such an important step. I take it that it went well with Donna if you are staying there."

"It's not quite like that. You know the topic we were discussing the last few weeks? Well, it turns out that it doesn't matter if I'm ready to be a dad or not, cause I am one now."

"I don't understand, Harvey."

"I didn't tell you the whole truth about that night in my office. It wasn't just a kiss between me and Donna. I just wasn't ready to face the guilt that I felt, about Paula, but mostly about Donna, so I didn't say anything."

"It's okay, Harvey, I'm not judging. At therapy, you are supposed to talk about things when you are ready, and you obviously weren't."

"Thanks, Stan."

"So you really are a dad? And you didn't know?"

"I didn't, but yes, I am. To a little girl. A perfect baby girl."

"Congratulations, Harvey. This is very unexpected."

"It was for me as well. But I wanted to call and say thank you."

"Thank you? For what?"

"I realize that I could have completely flipped out when they told me, but I didn't. And I think that's because of you. Because of all the work we've done in our sessions. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a father, but despite the shock and the anger that I feel over not knowing, I see now that I can be one. I'm calm and secure about it because you helped me see that it was something that I wanted, something I could do. So, thank you."

"You are absolutely welcome, Harvey, but I think you are giving me too much credit."

"No, not at all. I really don't think I could have made it through the last twenty-four hours if it wasn't for you."

"You said you needed to cancel your upcoming sessions. How long do you think you will be in Seattle?"

"I don't know. This all happened so fast, I don't really have a plan yet. But I was hoping maybe you would be willing to do phone or Skype sessions until I get back because I definitely have a lot of things I need to work through now."

"Absolutely, Harvey. I'll have my secretary call you to set up some times that might work for you."

"Thanks, Stan."

"You're welcome. And Harvey, congratulations again. You're going to be a great dad."

"I hope so. I really hope so."

"Talk to you soon, Harvey."

I press end and find myself right across from a playground. A little girl, probably around two years old, catches my attention. She toddles towards the swingset, followed by her dad who sweeps her up and smothers her with kisses before placing her in the swing. As he starts pushing her, she giggles loudly and the sound hits me right in the heart. One day my little girl is going to laugh like that, and I am going to be the reason. I can feel a huge smile take over my face.

I'm just getting ready to sit down again when my phone rings. It's a Seattle number that I don't recognize, but I answer it right away. It's Karen from the jewelry store who confirms that my order is done. Taking one last look around the park, I head back to the store. Picking up my purchases from Karen, I jump back into a cab and head towards the hospital again.

I stop at the Starbucks on the corner and pick up a treat for Donna. She said that she didn't want anything but I know Donna and that woman loves her coffee.

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

Not even ten minutes after Harvey left, I get a frantic call from Louis. He is stumbling over his words, alternating between showering me in congratulations and wanting to know all the bloody details. Luckily my excuse of having to nurse Lizzie gets him off the phone quickly. He does try to talk advantages of breastmilk vs. formula with me but the moment the word _nipple cream leaves_ his mouth, I hang up. I'm just grateful he didn't want to talk about Harvey, being too distracted by the _miracle of childbirth_. I know that my next call won't be over quite this quickly, but I pushed it off long enough already.

Once Lizzie is fed and I have changed her diaper, I get comfortable on the bed, pulling Lizzie's bassinet right next to it. Watching my daughter sleep for a few minutes, I gather all the mental strength I have left and dial my mother's number. I don't even hear it ring before she answers the call and she doesn't give me a chance for a greeting.

"Honey, she is beautiful. All that ginger hair, like a true Paulsen."

I know that she is disappointed that I asked her not to come to Seattle for the birth, but being a two-time mother herself, she understands that I needed some time to myself. And while she means well, my mom is not the kind of person you want around when in labor. All pillows would have been fluffed, the nurses would have been vetted and I would have had a cup full of ice cubes by my side at all times. While that might sound amazing, trying to rein my mother in, on her quest to make everything perfect for me, would have stressed me out more than labor itself.

"So Rachel sent you the pictures?"

"I got them when I woke up this morning. You outdid yourself with her. Her cute button nose and those eyes. That must be the deepest brown I have ever seen. She definitely didn't get those from our side of the family."

I know she is fishing, but I have learned a long time ago that the tiniest bit of information is enough for her to conjecture the whole story. So I give her nothing, just like I've done the last nine months.

"No, I guess not."

She wouldn't be my mom if she took my vague answer personally. Paulsen women are known for keeping all their cards close to their chests.

"So, tell me her name."

"Lizzie. Lillian Elizabeth in full, but I think we will stick to Lizzie."

"Lillian Elizabeth Paulsen. It really suits her."

Not correcting her about Lizzie's last name really makes the guilt boil up.

"Did everything go as planned? The epidural worked?"

"Everything worked perfectly. I mean, it hurt like nothing ever before, but as cliché as it might sound, it really was all worth it."

"I know exactly what you mean, Honey."

"I feel like I could sleep for a year, though." I laugh tiredly and my mom joins in.

"That feeling won't ever go away. Not when they are babies and most definitely not when they are teenagers. Just get used to it now."

I take a look at my baby girl, peacefully sleeping next to my bed. I can't imagine her ever being any bigger than she is now.

"Rachel was with you for all of it?"

"She hardly ever left my side. I can't thank her enough. I really don't think I could have done it without her and Mike."

"I'm glad that you have such good friends. And the father?"

I have to hand it to my mother, she is persistent.

"He's here."

"But you still don't want to tell us who he is?"

I can hear the hurt and maybe even a bit of disappointment in her voice. And suddenly I can't even remember why I thought keeping his identity a secret from my mom was a good idea. Instantly, I feel tears forming in my eyes.

"It's better for him if dad doesn't know it yet. He would kill him."

"Donna, I had my suspicions for a long time but thought you would tell me if it was the case. I do feel like I have to ask now, though. Honey, is it Harvey?"

The tears fall quickly now and for the second time today, I'm sobbing. The words rush out quicker than I can hold them in.

"It just happened and he was with someone and you can't tell dad!"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I tell you, when he didn't even know himself."

Her gasp could probably be heard on the other end of the maternity wing.

"Donna! You didn't tell him?"

"I couldn't. It would have messed everything up for him."

"For him? Or for you?"

"Mom, he was in a relationship with someone else. I couldn't have ruined that for him."

"The way I see, it was already ruined the second he cheated on her with you."

"Mom, it wasn't like that. I was the one who initiated it. It wasn't his fault."

"He is a man and he might have let his lower brain do all the thinking that day, but Donna, he knew exactly what he was doing. For twelve years, that man managed to keep his hands to himself. He knew what he wanted and it wasn't her."

"He chose her over me once. I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't give him the chance to choose her over Lizzie."

"It wasn't up to you to make that decision for him. You know him better than that. Do you really think he would have abandoned his child when he always felt abandoned by a parent himself?"

"No, not his child."

"But you thought he would abandon you."

She knows the answer without me having to reply.

"Donna, he could never cut you out of his life for good."

"He did it before."

"And I am certain you didn't give him a chance to make it right. You are too stubborn and scared of being hurt for your own good."

I think back to Mike and Rachel's wedding and the letter I left Harvey with. The gala, shortly after I found out I was pregnant where I basically ran away from him twice. And his last visit to the city, with me already too deep into the secret to even face him. Was it really about protecting him, his relationship with Paula, or was I trying to protect myself more?

"Actually, I'm surprised he's even talking to you right now. He must love you dearly to forgive you this easily."

"He does. In his own Harvey way." A simple statement for a complicated issue.

"What do you mean?"

"He said he loved me, but it was in the middle of labor and I don't think he actually meant it."

"Why wouldn't he mean it?"

"He said it once before and took it back the next day. That's what Harvey does. It's what got us in this whole situation to begin with."

"He doesn't seem like a man who throws that word around lightly."

"I'm sure he does love me but even if he ever realizes how, I don't think it will be in the same way I love him. I don't think he will ever be ready for me. And after what I've done to him, I don't deserve him anyway. If I can't even forgive myself, how can I expect him to do it?"

"Donna, stop making decisions for the man and putting words into his mouth. He is there for you now, like you've always been there for him. That means something. Give him a moment to get over the shock and then freaking apologize to him for being such an idiot."

"How do you know I haven't apologized yet?"

"Because we wouldn't be having this conversation if you did. Give him a chance to tell you how he feels. Don't run away and don't hand him his answers. Just let him talk and listen to what he has to say."

I wish she would be in the room now, so I could pull her into an embrace and be held close in a way that only a mother can hold you.

"What would I ever do without you?"

I do hope that Lizzie will one day be able to confide in me, that we can spend moments like this together even when there is a continent between us. No matter how old you are, your mother can make everything seem better with just a few words.

"I miss you, mom."

"I miss you too, Honey. I can't wait to see my little granddaughter. With your and Harvey's genes, she must be even more stunning in person."

"She really is something else."

I gently move my finger up and down her body, drawing hearts and other patterns on her belly.

"Let me know how things go with Harvey and I will come by as soon as everything has calmed down, alright?"

"Of course. And mom, thank you. For understanding."

"That's what I'm here for. Give Lizzie a big kiss from grandma."

"Will do. I love you."

"Love you more."

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

The door is ajar when I get back to the room and Donna is sitting in the recliner holding Lizzie. It doesn't seem like she is noticing me coming in. Donna is dressed in a pink floral nightgown with a matching robe while Lizzie is wearing a cream onesie with a matching headband. I take a second to just watch them. My girls. Donna says something and for a second I think she is talking to me, but then I realize that she is actually talking to our daughter. I don't mean to eavesdrop but I'm intrigued by what I hear her saying and don't want to interrupt.

"My sweet Lizzie. We are so lucky, aren't we? To have so many people who love us. So many people who love you. Mommy loves you and daddy loves you. Your grandmas love you. Your Auntie Rachel and Uncle Mike. And wait until you meet Uncle Louis. You are so loved, my sweet girl. But do you know who would have really loved you? Your Grandpa Gordon."

She reaches over and grabs her cell phone off the nightstand, pressing a few buttons. Soft jazz notes start to float through the air and I recognize them as one of my dad's songs.

"He would have loved her so much."

Her head shoots up and a content smile settles on her face.

"I was just telling her the same thing."

"He loved you too, you know."

"I know. He used to tell me every time we talked."

"He did?" I know he liked Donna and he made multiple comments about strawberry blonde grandchildren but I never thought he was this open about it with her.

"Oh yes. We talked babies and everything. He actually suggested you should take my name when we get married."

"He did not."

"No, he didn't. But he wasn't subtle about his wishes either. He was desperately waiting for you to open your eyes and see what was right in front of you."

She quickly shuts herself up, realizing that our former easy banter doesn't feel as carefree anymore.

Spotting the two Starbucks cups, her eyes twinkle.

"Please tell me that one of those is for me?"

Thankful for the change of subject, I pull one of the cups out of the tray.

"Of course. It is decaf though."

"Who cares. The coffee they brought with my breakfast tasted like instant."

"Well, enjoy then."

I hand her the decaf iced caramel macchiato and put the shopping bags down by the couch.

"By the way, my mom texted earlier and she should be here late afternoon. Apparently, she couldn't wait to meet you two and took the first flight out of Boston."

"I hope she will like me."

"Donna, you don't have to worry. After everything my dad, Marcus and I have told her, she already loves you. Everyone in the Specter family is a massive Donna fan, I will let you know. "

Her eyes find the shopping bags and she gives me a curious look.

"I thought you were just going to make some calls, looks like you went shopping instead."

"Sort of. I actually shopped this morning online. I just ran to pick the stuff up."

"What did you get?"

"Some things for Lizzie. I hope I didn't get anything you already bought her, but I couldn't resist once I got started."

"Can I see?"

If she was standing up and not holding our daughter, I'm sure she would have bounced on the spot. Nothing excites Donna Paulsen more than full shopping bags.

I pulled the items out one by one and with every new outfit, her eyes grew.

First was a little set that had a white onesie with the words _Hello World _in gold lettering on it. The matching pants are grey and white striped with huge rose-colored flowers and it comes with a matching hat and headband. The second outfit is a cute little grey dress with a pink bow on the left side. After that I show her a white onesie with the words _Daddy's Princess Has Arrived _on it and it's followed by a pink onesie that says _I'm Not Allowed to Date … Ever_.

Donna can't stop laughing about that one.

Then there is a precious pink dress with matching bloomers that Donna almost cries upon seeing. I am saving some of the best for last so I pull out something that is called a _Lovey_. It is a white bunny head with floral ears attached to a soft blanket, along with a small stuffed elephant and an elephant WubbaNub pacifier. A onesie with an elephant print follows soon after. I just couldn't say no to the elephant theme once I saw it online.

I then pull out a cream onesie that says _Who Needs A Prince I Have Daddy _in multiple colors followed by a white onesie that says _Even Miracles Take A Little Time _in pink, turquoise, and grey that comes with a matching headband, and a white onesie with the words _Worth the Wait _with pink floral ruffled shorts.

I purposefully saved the final two outfits for last because I know they are the two that will touch Donna the most.

I look up at her and we lock eyes before I reach into the bag. I can tell that she is eager to see what I am going to show her next. I reach into the bag and pull out a white onesie with the words _I'm Adorable, Mom's Beautiful, Daddy did Good_. The matching pants are white with pink hearts and black arrows all over them. Donna has tears welling up in her eyes.

"Oh, Harvey."

"Well, it's true. Lizzie is adorable and you are beautiful. But honestly, it should have said _daddy's lucky_."

Donna laughs and I take a deep breath before reaching into the bag for the last outfit. I hold it up for her to see and the tears that were in her eyes slide down her cheeks. I bite my lip and hold my breath in anticipation of what she will say.

It was a simple white onesie with peach tulle bloomers and gold trim, and a gold headband with peach and white flowers. But what gets to her are the words written on it: _All Because Two People Fell In Love._

My dad once told to me that "if she's the one, you'll know". I realize now that he was right.

"Harvey, I-"

"Hey, don't cry. It's the truth."

"But Harvey. That night. That wasn't-"

I take her hand that isn't holding Lizzie.

"Listen to me. I don't regret that night. I regret the circumstances. I regret that I didn't treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. I regret that it was fast and rough and not at all what our second first time should have been. But don't you think for a minute that I regret that night. That I regret her. I love you, Donna. And unless I'm completely crazy, you love me too. That night might have been screwed up, but don't ever think that she is anything but a product of love."

Donna nods her head, unable to speak.

"I know that we have a lot to talk about and we will, once we get you and Lizzie home and settled, okay? I'm not going anywhere for the time being. But I'm also not making any assumptions. I just want you to know how I feel, okay."

I squeeze her hand in reassurance.

"Okay."

"I do have two more things to show you."

"Are they going to make me cry?"

"Probably," I say with a wink.

She takes a deep breath and then nods with a small smile for me to go ahead.

I take out the larger one of the two jewelry boxes and open the lid before turning it around to hand to Donna. She gasps when she sees the tiny gold bangle bracelet lying in the box.

"Oh, Harvey. It's precious. I love it."

"I got it engraved for her."

Donna looks at the name Lillian Elizabeth in cursive letters on the outside as well as the date of her birth 08/05/2018 on the inside, and her smile grows even wider.

"You did this for her?"

"It's not what I went there for but when I saw it, I just couldn't resist."

"You really are going to spoil her completely rotten aren't you?"

"Probably."

"So what did you actually go there for?"

"I went to pick up something for you. I wanted to do something special to mark the occasion and my mom suggested a push present."

"Harvey, you didn't have to."

"But I wanted to. And I know you are going to cry when I say this, but that's okay."

I take the second box out of the bag, stand up to take Lizzie out of her arms and then sit back down on the chair beside her.

"You are amazing. Like, truly amazing. I have never been more in awe of you. I've never been more proud in the fifteen years that I have known you. And that is saying a lot because I've always been proud of you. But Donna, you just gave me the most precious gift. You spent nine months keeping her safe and healthy and then you literally, with a strength that I know I don't possess, pushed her out of your body. You deserve way more than what's in this box, but I can't think of anything that would be enough to thank you for what you have given me.

"This little girl, she is a precious miracle. I have achieved a lot of things in my life but none of them have ever made me feel as amazing as being her dad. I knew before I got here last night that I loved you, but these past twenty-four hours have made me see that you and Lizzie, you are my more, my everything."

I hand over the box and I watch her face as she lifts the lid. Her hand flies to her mouth as she gasps.

"Harvey." It's all she can get out.

I'm okay with that because the look on her face is all I really need. The love in her eyes and the softness of her expression that tells me that she understands the meaning behind the beautiful ring that I just handed her.

The large cushion-cut peridot that represents our daughter surrounded by diamonds is almost as breathtaking as Donna and Lizzie are.

"It's gorgeous. Thank you."

I take the box from her, pull the ring out and slide it onto her right hand's ring finger before I bring her hand to my lips and lightly kiss the top of it.

Her hand starts shaking in mine and her tears keep coming faster.

"Harvey, I do love you. But after everything that happened, how-? What- What does this mean for us?"


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: All of you continue to overwhelm and bless us with your reviews. The love that you have shown this story fills our hearts with such joy. To Aimee - Girl, Stef and I couldn't have pulled this one off without you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

To our guest reviewer who continues to be pissed that Harvey isn't being showered with apologies by Donna, Mike, and Rachel, I would like to remind you that we are almost 50,000 words into this story and it's only been about 36 hours since the beginning. This story will span the course of a year. So we definitely have a long way to go. I'd also like to remind you, that Donna's first words to Harvey when he walked in her hospital words were literaly "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." Rachel apologized and explained, before Lizzie was ever born, that she would understand if Harvey was angry at her and Mike, and that they never expected it to go this far. This isn't a race. This isn't a one shot. This is a story of love, hope, and redemption. I hope that you will stick with this story, but if what you want is a rushed apology you aren't going to get it the way that you want it.

* * *

**Chapter 10 **

**Donna's POV**

Harvey rolls onto his back and I take him in with a smile on my face. I don't think I have ever seen him look this peaceful. While the couch is way too short for him and his legs are dangling off the end, he looks relaxed and happy. I think back to the fourteen years I spent by his side, but I don't remember ever seeing Harvey asleep. Even after our first and only night together, I fell asleep before him and woke up to an empty bed.

The past 24 hours and all the crying have taken a toll on me, but I am still too wired to actually sleep myself. I look down at my right hand and admire the beautiful gemstone sitting on my ring finger. A symbol of our daughter and maybe even a promise for a future with fewer insecurities and more honest communication.

Harvey really outdid himself with the gifts. Not just the ring or the beautiful bangle bracelet for Lizzie, but also with the thoughtful outfits and stuffed toys. The clothes are all bagged up again, but I don't need to see them to remember the simple white onesie with the gold lettering on it. _All Because Two People Fell In Love. _Love - not a word I thought I would hear from Harvey ever again. Part of me is still scared of what will happen once this bubble we seem to be in pops. His confession a few hours ago showed a new man, one I have never seen before and, honestly, never expected to see. I loved Harvey when he was cocky and arrogant about everything except his feelings but this new version of him is uncharted territory. While I was always able to read him before, I have no idea what to expect from him now.

The fact that he has taken this whole situation - fatherhood and my betrayal - in stride, shows how much he has grown in the last year. I don't feel like I deserve him. While he has managed to change for the better, I have behaved appallingly and though I had my reasons, they now seem ridiculous and unfounded. Did I really not trust him to make right by his daughter? By me? Did he ever not give his everything to save me?

He says that he has forgiven me. That he loves me like I have loved him for a long time now. But is that enough to make right everything that went wrong? Where do we go from here?

~oOo~

_"Harvey, I do love you. But after everything that happened, how-? What- What does this mean for us?"_

"_It means that I'm here in whatever way you want me to be, Donna."_

"_That is not very helpful, you know. You can't have become completely selfless, it has only been nine months," I joke. "You must have an idea of what you want." _

"_I have more than an idea, but I meant it when I said we will talk about what happens next, once you and Lizzie are out of the hospital. Take the time to come to terms with this and then talk to me when you are ready."_

"_Who are you and what have you done with_ _Harvey Specter?"_

"_You are not the first person who asked me that question today."_

"_Jessica?"_

"_Jessica." _

"_Harvey, the reason why I didn't tell you-"_

"_Rachel and Mike already explained."_

"_But I think you need to hear it from me. My mom made me see that-"_

"_Donna, really. I don't need to hear it now." _

"_Will you please just let me apologize?"_

"_Sorry, of course. Go ahead."_

_He leans back with a smile on his face, carefully rocking Lizzie in his arms. I have no idea who this man in front of me is. Self-assured as always, but with a calm, paternal side. Dr. Lipschitz truly is a miracle worker. _

"_Harvey, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. There is no excuse for how I behaved. I got scared and I did something unforgivable to you."_

"_Donna, it's in the past."_

"_It was yesterday, Harvey. I really think we need to talk about this. You must be so angry with me."_

"_Now is not the time__-_"

"_Why not? Why won't you talk about it?"_

"_Because I don't want to be angry at you!" he suddenly bursts out, revealing the true reason for stonewalling my apology. "Am I sad, hurt, disappointed? Of course, I am. Do I think you had your reasons just like I had mine? Yes, I do. Can I ever get past it? I sure hope so. Do I want to talk about this now? No, I really don't."_

_I look at him in shock. While his voice isn't exactly raised, I can hear the anguish in it._

"_I'm sorry. I won't bring it up again." _

"_You are allowed to bring it up, Donna, and we do have to talk about all of it. But for now, I just want to enjoy this," he says looking down at Lizzie. "Enjoy her." _

_He gives his daughter the most loving look I have ever seen on him. If there is one thing I am certain of now, it's that Harvey Specter was born to be a dad. He has always loved unconditionally, he just never wanted anyone to see this side of him. No matter what the future holds for us, I am thankful to know that Lizzie will always have him in her life. _

_I slowly get up and pick up my phone from the nightstand. Pretending to be browsing, I take a few pictures of father and daughter, setting one of them as my lock screen. _

"_How do you feel about an early dinner? The hospital actually has pretty decent room service. The Curry looked good when Mike had it yesterday."_

"_Curry? Some things really never change."_

"_Unlike you," I mumble under my breath. _

"_What was that?"_

"_If you would rather want something different, I'm sure Rachel would be happy to pick up take out."_

"_At this point, I will eat anything. Can you just choose for me? You know what I like. Because right now, I will have to look after this little stink bomb." _

_He blows raspberries on Lizzie's belly and carries her over to the bassinet. _

"_Harvey, you don't have to do that. I can change her diaper and you order the food."_

_I'm already halfway to them, when he turns around and holds his right hand up, his other one holding Lizzie securely. _

"_Don't you dare. This one is mine." _

"_You really want to do this?"_

"_Are you kidding me? I have been waiting for this moment." He turns his attention back to our daughter. "We can totally do this, right? You will be patient with daddy? He hasn't done this in a long time." _

_I had completely forgotten about Marcus' kids and the experience Harvey already has with babies. Having no nieces or nephews or friends with kids, I am way more out of my element than Harvey seems to be. Thankfully Lizzie will have at least one parent who learned from practice and not just from books. _

"_Wait, let me get the camera out. No one back in New York will ever believe this otherwise."_

"_If you think I will be embarrassed by this, you are sorely mistaken." He throws me his famous grin and skillfully unbuttons Lizzie's onesie. Suddenly his expression changes. "I have one condition though. Can we not send this video to Louis?"_

"_Embarrassed after all?"_

"_Never. But I'm sure he will have some comments on my technique and then run over to Brian and film an instructional video with his baby."_

"_You know who Brian is?"_

"_Louis and I are very close now." _

_He turns his attention back to Lizzie and unfastens the tabs of the diaper. I am so fascinated watching Harvey change her, that I almost forget to film the whole thing. Pressing record, I watch over the screen as he lifts Lizzie's legs with one hand and pulls out the soiled diaper from under her. Grabbing some wipes, he cleans her gently and tickles her feet when he's done. I feel a stirring in my lower belly that I haven't felt since the night Lizzie was conceived. I was attracted to Harvey from the first moment I met him and while he was always able to turn me on when in a suit and quietly working in his office, seeing him now, dressed down and being a dad, sends a warm vibration through my entire body. I press my eyes closed and try to regulate my breathing. _

"_Donna?"_

_Opening my eyes again, I see Harvey looking at me expectantly. _

"_What?"_

"_Can you hand me a diaper?"_

_I'm certain that he can see how flushed my face is now compared to just a minute ago, so I lower my head and reach under the bassinet, handing him one. _

"_Are you alright?" he asks concerned. _

"_Yes, sure. I will be back in a minute." _

_Rushing to the bathroom, I lock myself in and sit down on the closed toilet seat. _

_Sending a short message to Rachel, I hope she is not in a meeting and will call me back quickly. _

Rach, I'm in deep trouble - D

_It doesn't take more than a few seconds and my phone rings. _

"_What happened? Is everything alright?" She sounds just as concerned as Harvey just did. _

"_Nothing is alright. I can't do this. It's just too much."_

"_Donna, what's going on? Is it Lizzie? Do you need me to come over?"_

"_It's not Lizzie. Lizzie is fine. I'm the problem." _

"_I don't understand."_

"_I'm hot."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I don't know, Rachel. Suddenly I'm all hot and bothered for Harvey."_

_I have to put the phone on mute so Harvey can't hear Rachel laughing out loud through the walls. I give her a few seconds to get it out of her system and turn up the volume up again. Catching her calling for Mike to come into her office, my eyes widen in shock. _

"_Rachel! Don't you dare." _

"_I'm sorry, but this is hilarious. What did he do to get you all stirred up?"_

"_Changed a diaper," I mumble into the line. _

"_I'm sorry, he did what?"_

"_You heard me." _

"_And why was that so attractive to you?"_

"_I can send you the video."_

"_And yet, I don't think I will get the same reaction out of it."_

"_No, probably not."_

"_Donna, you know it's your hormones talking, right? Your body is a mess, no offense."_

"_None taken."_

_I lean my head against the wall behind me and look up at the ceiling. _

"_He told me that he loved me." _

"_Donna, that is amazing."_

"_And he gave me this beautiful ring."_

"_You're engaged?" she practically screams into the phone now. _

"_What? No. It was a push present and represents Lizzie."_

"_Oh. I thought maybe now that you are a family-"_

"_Don't sound so disappointed. Let us tackle one life-changing situation at a time. He did say we were his everything and he wanted more, though." _

"_I am so thrilled for you. The three of you deserve all the happiness in the world. But what does that mean? Are you going to move back to New York now?"_

"_I don't know. He didn't want to talk about any of the negative stuff now. He barely let me apologize."_

"_He is still in shock."_

"_He is a changed man and I don't know how to feel about it."_

"_You just called to tell me how much he turns you on. I think you know exactly how you feel." _

"_It has nothing to do with how attracted I am to him. I don't even know who he is anymore. Reading him has always come so naturally to me and I thought that would make us perfect for each other. But now, everything just feels off. If he is this open about his feelings, what do I bring into the relationship then?"_

"_He doesn't love you because you can read him. Paula could do that just fine and look where that got them." _

"_I don't think he needs me anymore." _

"_Maybe that's a good thing. You don't want him to need you, you want him to want you."_

"_Are you breaking out into song now?"_

"_If it makes you feel better, I will."_

_I laugh and get up from the seat again. _

"_What would I ever do without you, Rach?"_

"_Luckily, we will never find that out." _

"_I better get out there again. Harvey is probably wondering what happened to me."_

"_I think it's less wondering what happened and more wishing he could help out at this point," Rachel teases. _

"_You, Michelle Ross are a very bad influence."_

"_I learned from the best, Harriet Specter. Or is it Donna Specter now?"_

"_See you tomorrow." I ignore her playful mocking. _

"_See you tomorrow. And Donna? Just let yourself be happy, please." _

_Back in my room, I find Lizzie peacefully sleeping in her bed and for a second I wonder where Harvey went off to, as he would never leave his daughter alone. I find him stretched out on the couch, fast asleep. He has been up for almost two days now and flew across the country for us, so it is no wonder that he just fell asleep where he was sitting, despite not having eaten all day. _

_I get comfortable in bed again and order myself a Chicken Curry, eyeing the burger options for Harvey. Expecting him to sleep for a few hours, I decide against getting something for him now. _

_The meal arrives quickly and after nursing Lizzie again, I try to find sleep. Unfortunately, I am not as successful as Harvey and our daughter were. _

~oOo~

Sooner than I expected, Lizzie wakes up again. Having nursed less than half an hour ago, I know that she isn't hungry. I check her diaper, but it's dry too. This is the first time she woke up just because she couldn't sleep any longer.

Blinking up at me with her dark eyes, I pick her up and lay her down on my raised knees. Making sure she is comfortable and her head is supported, I take her little hands in mine. Fascinated, I watch her fingers close around mine.

While I didn't take the news of my pregnancy too well in the beginning, I did my best to give Lizzie the best care possible while she was growing inside me. I am so thankful that she seems to be happy and healthy.

Pulling my fingers out of her grip to straighten her headband again, she starts crying. I quickly return my fingers, trying to soothe her.

"Sweet girl, we need to be quiet. Daddy is sleeping and we do not want to wake him up, do we?"

She keeps on whimpering and while I do not think the sound will wake Harvey, I quietly start singing to calm her down.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

This song got us through a lot of difficult days the past few months. Whenever I was missing Harvey and my life in New York, I sang _You Are My Sunshine_ to my belly, reminding myself of the miracle growing inside of me, of the reason why I kept going.

Her eyes meet mine for a few seconds and her whimpering quiets down. Taking another look at Harvey to make sure he is still asleep, I continue talking to our baby girl.

"Mommy and daddy did good, didn't they? Making such a perfect little person? Yes, they did."

I softly stroke my fingers over her patches of red hair.

"My little strawberry. You just had to be a redhead, didn't you? But at least you got your daddy's eyes. He's got the most beautiful eyes and now you do as well. His eyes have always held so much love for mommy even when she didn't deserve it. But you deserve all the love he can give. He loves you so much already and it will only grow with every passing day.

"Knock, knock."

I move my eyes towards the door, where an older woman is sticking her head through the opening.

Although Harvey has always favored his dad more, I immediately recognize him in the woman's features.

"Can I come in?"

I sit up straighter and wave her in. Pointing towards a sleeping Harvey, I signal her to be quiet. She puts her suitcase in a corner and comes over to my bed.

"Donna? I'm Lily, Harvey's mom."

"Hi." I nervously look down and straighten the bedding.

I have no idea what to say. Harvey said that she was on her way, but obviously, I had hoped he would be awake when she arrived. We smile awkwardly at each other for what feels like forever.

"After all this time, we finally meet," she whispers as she steps closer and takes my hand in hers.

She sits down in the bedside chair, not taking her eyes off the baby still propped up on my knees.

"Oh Donna, she is even more perfect than she looked in the pictures."

She lays her hand gently on Lizze's head and I can see tears forming in her eyes.

"Thank you," I whisper to her. For being here, for not hating me, for loving her.

She gives me a wide smile and squeezes my hand.

Despite my best efforts to keep it together, tears start streaming down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I apologize as I try to brush them away with a quick swipe. "I don't know what is wrong with me."

"You know, I can relate to how you must be feeling right now. Your body is adjusting to the new changes and your hormones are whacked. I remember distinctly after my boys were born, I went from laughing to crying to actually aroused in the span of a minute. I mean, the first time I saw Gordon hold Harvey in his arms, I was ready to jump him."

"You were?" I ask with wide eyes.

"Oh, absolutely. Seeing any man hold a baby does things to a woman. But seeing the man you love holding your baby?" She winks at me. "There is a reason most people have siblings."

"And here I thought I was going crazy." A sense of relief washes over me, and I suddenly feel much more relaxed.

"What do you mean?"

"Harvey was changing Lizzie's diaper earlier and I had to hide in the bathroom to, well, pull myself together."

Lily laughs and gives my hand another squeeze.

"That, my dear, is the rise of your oxytocin level and absolutely normal. Nothing to worry about."

I don't understand how I am feeling this comfortable with Harvey's mom all of a sudden. While I named our daughter after her, knowing that she and Harvey made things right, I expected her to be more guarded around me. But, I guess, if there is one woman who understands the importance of forgiveness and not wasting time, it's Lily Specter.

"Who would have thought that our first-ever conversation would be about me wanting to jump your son," I say, chuckling lightly.

"Well, if you guys weren't attracted to each, we wouldn't be here to begin with."

I watch her eye Lizzie and her fingers must be tingling, ready to cuddle her newest grandchild.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Can I?" Her eyes start to twinkle.

"Of course. She is the reason you came all this way."

I put a hand under my daughter's head and move her off my knees. Handing her over to her paternal grandmother, I raise the headrest of my bed again so I can lean against it more comfortably.

"Oh my goodness, Donna. She is absolutely gorgeous. I mean, Harvey sent me pictures but seeing her in person... She looks so much like Harvey did as a baby. Her lips especially. And her eyes. She definitely has his eyes."

Just like she did with my fingers before, Lizzie grabs at Lily's hands.

"You don't need to try so hard, my little sweet. I am already wrapped around your finger. Grandma loves you so much. I am so glad that your daddy called me and that I got to come see you. I wouldn't have wanted to miss this."

A feeling of guilt settles in my stomach again.

"Lily, I really am so sorry. I shouldn't have kept her a secret from Harvey. I didn't just deprive her of a father, but also a grandmother and an uncle and cousins. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing, but all I did was keep her family from her."

"Oh, Donna." She takes my hand into hers again. "That is not the reason I said it. Please don't feel bad. I wasn't part of Harvey's life for such a long time, that I never thought I would be able to witness this."

"But you made things right with him now and should have been here from the start."

"A mother does whatever she needs to do to keep her child safe. When you are pregnant, that means keeping yourself safe. We are all here now. That is what counts. And speaking of family. I have something for you."

She lets go of my hand and pulls a carved wooden jewelry box out of her handbag.

"Open it." She hands it over to me.

Curious, I pull the lid open. Inside lies a vintage, heart-shaped locket with a golden butterfly on the front.

"Lily, it's beautiful."

I open the lock and find a picture of a young Harvey on one side. The other side is empty.

"Gordon got it for his mother when Harvey was born. She didn't live on the East Coast and couldn't see the boys very often, but this way she could always keep them close to her heart. When she passed away, it was handed down to me and I thought it would be a nice Specter family heirloom for Lizzie to have one day. Until she can look after it, maybe you would like to put a picture of her in it."

Tears are pooling in my eyes again and I lean over to give Lily another hug.

"Thank you so much. I will cherish it forever."

"I know that Gordon would have wanted you to have it."

I carefully close the locket again and put it back inside the box.

"So, tell me about how you two met. I have heard a lot of stories from Marcus and Gordon, but it always sounded like you just dropped from the heavens into Harvey's life. According to them, his stories were all about work one day and then the next day it was all 'Donna said this and Donna did that.' You enchanted him from the very first minute."

"The first minute, he wanted to have sex with me. And he wasn't shy about it."

"That doesn't surprise me. Harvey was always straight forward about his wishes."

"He had just won his first case in court and was out celebrating at a bar. I had heard about him around the DAs office, this young hotshot who came over from a corporate law firm to gain trial experience. At that time, I was still trying to make it as an actress and needed a boss who understood that I could do my job and follow my dreams at the same time. I think we just hit it off from the start. It was a mixture of attraction, mutual understanding and something I still can't put into words to this day. Maybe a friendship that was meant to be?"

"I don't think it was the friendship that was meant to be."

"We are friends or were friends at least. But there was always something… more. This immediate connection. I have asked myself so many times why I did have to fall in love with him. Why couldn't I have just stayed his friend? It definitely would have made everything less complicated."

"Of course you fell in love with him. It happened for the same reason he fell in love with you. You are best friends. No one knows you like he does and no one knows him like you do. And the 'something more' you talked about? My dear, it's called being soulmates. You never would have stayed by each other's sides for this long, or have gone through all these life-changing experiences, if you weren't meant to be together."

"I kept his daughter from him."

"And I made him lie to his father for over a decade. If he can forgive me, he can forgive you."

"You make it sound so easy."

"There is nothing easy about it, but it's still simple. He can hold a grudge and deprive himself of something he has wanted for fifteen years or he can choose to let the past stay in the past and start his new life now. That is what it comes down to in the end. You did the same, didn't you? You forgave him?"

"Why do you think I need to forgive him for something?"

"We may have only just met, Donna, but I know you would have never kept his daughter from him if he didn't do something to make you leave in the first place. Even before I met Paula, I knew that she wasn't the 'someone special' who made him come see me. I was heartbroken when I walked into the restaurant and he introduced me to this blonde Ice Queen and not the lively redhead I was expecting. I have no idea what he was thinking, dating his therapist and such a bland one at that. I couldn't help myself and just had to thank her for helping him make things right between us, knowing she did jack shit. You should have seen her face."

Lily starts laughing and I can't keep quiet myself anymore. Who would have thought this woman could curse like a sailor.

"I always thought Harvey got his language from his father, but now I am wondering if I always blamed the wrong parent," I giggle.

"Gordon was a saint. I'm not sure if Harvey ever told you how his father and I met, but I was a groupie and a bit of a bad girl."

"A bad girl following a saxophone player around? Doesn't sound very grungy." I am full-on laughing now.

"It was the 70s, my dear Donna. We were wild."

"I would have loved to see that."

"I will show you pictures one day. I might also have a few of Baby Harvey in his birthday suit."

We smile at each other and giggle again.

"Is this how it's going to be from now on?" Harvey interrupts our moment. "The two of you ganging up on me?"

Looking towards the couch, I see him sitting up, rubbing his eyes with a big grin on his face.

"We only speak the truth and nothing but the truth," his mom replies.

Putting Lizzie back into my arms, she gets up to greet her son.

"Oh, God. I can't believe there are actually three of you now. Will I win any argument ever again?"

"With this one around," Lily points at me, "have you ever before?" Harvey groans and shakes his head.

"You got a point there." Standing up, he pulls Lily into a hug. "It's good to see you, mom."

Harvey caring for his daughter was one thing, but seeing him gently embrace his mom, a woman he resented for decades, fills my heart with joy. He truly has changed and I am so glad that I get to witness it.

"I see you've met our daughter."

"Oh, Harvey, she is precious. The pictures do not do her justice. Don't tell Marcus, but she is so much cuter than Haley was."

"You know that I will call him the first chance I get and tell him that, right?"

She playfully slaps his upper arm.

"Harvey, you wouldn't."

"Oh, I would." His Cheshire cat grin is on full display. "How did he take the news anyway?"

"He was actually surprised it took you so long. I think he was ready to lock you and Donna into his supply closet and not allow you out until you got your shit together. He was always rooting for the two of you."

"Not everyone can meet the love of their life in High School like he did."

"Everyone has their own timing. Getting there in the end, is the only thing that matters."

Harvey agrees with a smile and makes his way back over to us. He moves the bed's remote to the nightstand to make space for himself next to me on the mattress.

"I know you already took care of this, but I have waited for this moment for a long time, so humor me, please." He first looks at me and then at his mom. "Mom, meet Donna. Donna, meet Lily."

Lily laughs and offers me her hand.

"Hi, Donna. You have no idea how wonderful it is to meet you."

I take her hand and pull her in for a one-sided hug, cautious of the baby in my arms.

"Hi, Lily. This feels so familiar." I joke with her.

"Haha, so funny," Harvey laughs dryly.

He takes Lizzie from me and proudly looks down at her.

"You will not make fun of daddy like mommy and grandma do, will you? No, you will be on my side and they will be sorry for laughing at me like that."

"Oh please. She will like me best of all. I will buy her everything she wants and she will get to eat so much candy and then when she is hyper, I will give her back to you. Then you will be the meanie who keeps her from bouncing on the bed. That is the beauty of being a grandparent."

"Don't listen to your grandma, Lizzie. She can't buy your love, cause daddy will already get you everything you want. I will get you a pony and ice skates and we will go to Disneyworld every year on your birthday."

"Harvey," I reprimand him. "You will not buy our daughter a pony."

"Of course not, Donna," he tries to appease me while mouthing 'Yes I will' to our daughter.

"We will talk about that later. For now, everything she wants and needs is milk and a cuddle. And I really do need to nurse."

"That is my cue to leave. It has been a long and exhausting day for me and the new mother still needs to recover."

"Mom, I booked you a room not too far from Donna's place. That way you can come over once we have settled in in the morning."

"Harvey, you shouldn't have. I could have just found something in the city."

"It was no trouble. Let me call you a cab and then I will walk you out."

"Why don't you drive your mom to her hotel while I nurse?"

"I don't have a car here."

"You can take mine. Mike and Rachel left it in the lot for me. I think it would be nice for the two of you to spend some time together after she came all this way. You could even have dinner. I'm sure you are both starving at this point. And maybe you should get your own room and sleep in a real bed for the night."

"Donna, no way."

"Harvey, you are no use to us when you are sleep deprived and have a stiff back. You are not 23 anymore, you know. A nap on the couch doesn't keep you going for long. Lizzie and I will be fine. It's just one night." One night to prepare us for when you are back in New York, I think to myself.

"Are you sure?" Harvey looks at me worried. "I really don't want to leave you alone for that long."

"Not only am I sure, I insist. There are nurses right outside. If I need help, I will just call them."

"I don't know."

"Harvey," Lily weighs in, "you really could use a good night. Your girls will be alright."

"Okay," he finally agrees. Pulling Lizzie closer to his chest again, he gives her a kiss on her forehead. "You will call me if something happens right?"

"I promise."

Another kiss for his daughter and he hands her over to me.

"I will be back before you know I'm gone."

"I don't doubt that for a second. Lily," I address his mom, "it was so nice to finally meet you. I hope you can stay for a while?"

"My class is on summer break for another two weeks and Bobby is on a fishing trip with his friends. I have no other place to be than right here."

She kisses first my cheek and then Lizzie's before she grabs her bags.

"Harvey, I will wait for you outside. Have a good night, Donna."

Harvey waits until the door has fallen shut behind his mom before he turns to me again.

"I don't have a good feeling about this."

"Harvey, what are you afraid is going to happen? I will nurse and then Lizzie and I will go to sleep. And it will be good training for when you are back in New York," I confess my fears after all.

"Donna-"

"Harvey, I'm not stupid. I know you have a life there. And I have a life here. I know what I signed up for when I decided not to tell you. It's just one night for now. Like you said, we will talk about it all tomorrow."

"I want it on the record, that I am only doing this under duress."

"I know. Get a good night's sleep."

I reach for my keys in the nightstand and offer them to Harvey.

"It's the dark Lexus near the front entrance."

He takes the keys reluctantly.

"I'm coming back first thing tomorrow morning."

"Can't wait."

"And you will call me immediately if anything comes up over night?"

"Harvey, we will be fine. The phone is under my pillow and my finger will practically be on the speed dial button the whole time you are gone. Now get out of here. Your mom really needs to sleep and so do you."

"Bye, Lizzie. Be good for mommy. Daddy loves you and he will be back in the morning." He kisses his daughter on the cheek and then takes my face into his hands.

"Take care of yourself. Call the nurses if you need help. That's what they are here for."

"I will, I promise."

He gently places a kiss on my forehead and then moves his lips down my face. My eyes close as his nose brushes mine. Finding my mouth with his, our lips press against each other.

"I love you."

I must have stayed frozen like that for longer than I realized. Because when I open my eyes again, he is gone.

~oOo~

Lizzie nurses quickly and falls asleep in my arms right after. I place her back in her bassinet and freshen up in the bathroom. Changing my pad, I notice how much I bled again but Amelia assured me that it is normal when I asked about it this afternoon. While it feels like Lizzie has been in my life forever, it still hasn't even been 24 hours since I gave birth and my body will need a while to get back to normal.

Although tired, I don't fall asleep the moment I get back into bed. My earlier talk with Lily and the goodbye with Harvey triggered a memory that I can't get out of my head now.

~oOo~

_Rachel surprised me with a girl's night out after work. After dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, she pulls out tickets for the touring production of Wicked. We have a great time together and I laugh and smile more than I can remember doing in recent months. Rachel drops me off at home and after getting changed for bed, I go into my daughter's nursery. This is something that I have been doing more often at night. She is always with me, but somehow being in her nursery makes me feel even closer to her. Makes it more of a reality, because one day soon, she will bring this room to life. The same way she seems to be bringing me back to life. _

_I turn on the lamp next to the rocking chair and sit down. Stretching my legs out on the ottoman, I lean my head back and close my eyes. _

_Seeing the show tonight reminded me of all the shows I have seen on Broadway over the years. I always loved dressing up and going to a show. Visit the beautiful theaters. Revel in the city lights. My mind drifts to the shows that I have performed in myself. Sometimes I really miss acting. The last time I was on stage, I was playing Portia in 'The Merchant of Venice'. It now seems like a lifetime ago. I had so much fun rehearsing with Louis and even getting to act beside him for one performance. But it was that final night that I remember the most. Walking out of work and finding Harvey in front of his car, holding one of the most beautiful bouquets of flowers that I have ever seen. Telling me that he was coming to watch me perform. Saying that he 'had nothing else going on but me that night'. Announcing that he was a Donna fan. _

_I remember the way he made me feel that night. The way he looked at me. It wasn't the first time he looked at me like that, but I wasn't stupid, I knew it would never mean what I wanted it to mean. Lead where I wanted it to lead. _

_There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Harvey. Reminisce about the years we spent together. There were days when I first got here, that I didn't even want to get out of bed. Days on which I had to force myself to get up and go to work. To do the job that I promised Mike and Rachel I would do. Almost every day, I came home from work and crawled straight into bed to cry myself to sleep. Cry for everything that I lost. Everything that I walked away from. My home. Not just my apartment, but the firm, the city, my friends, Harvey. Who I was as a person. It is my past now. I left it all behind to start new. Fresh. _

_Except that I couldn't. I didn't leave my past behind. Because less than a month after I arrived in Seattle, I found out that my past had followed me here. I found out that I was pregnant. With Harvey's baby. A baby conceived during an unexpected quickie in my office. A baby conceived with a man who was in a relationship with another woman. _

_In the beginning, I was in such denial that it was happening. I did what I was supposed to do. I went to the doctor, I took my prenatal vitamins, I gave up alcohol and stuck to a healthy diet. But I was so disconnected from the pregnancy. Disconnected from my child, our child. It only started to become real when I felt the first movement. But it was when I found out that I was having a girl, that it all changed for me. That I was starting to become excited. That was about a month ago. Since then I come in here every night. _

_Looking around the still rather empty room, I wish Harvey was here. For a moment I consider calling him. He is still number one on my speed dial, I would just need to press one button. It would be so simple. But what would I say? What would he say? How would he react to finding out he is going to be a father? To finding out I lied to him all this time. It might have been a lie by omission, but this is Harvey, he will still only see the lie. The betrayal. And how would Paula react? What would it do to their relationship? To his life? Would he hate me? Would he try to take my daughter from me? How would we co-parent? He is in New York, I'm in Seattle. I couldn't move back there only to share my daughter with _her_. _

_All of this keeps me from picking up the phone. I know that I can't keep the secret forever, know, that eventually, it will come out. But the fear of what will happen when it does, is what keeps me from pressing that one simple button. _

_As if sensing my unease, my daughter begins moving around and eventually starts to kick. _

"_Hi, my little strawberry. I feel you, sweet girl." I never knew I would be able to love someone that I have never met. But I do. I love this little girl with everything that I am. All I want is to do what's best for her. I really hope that I can do right by her, be a good mother for her. That is all I want. For her to be happy and healthy. _

_After all, that is what she did for me. She brought happiness back into my life. She makes me smile when all I want to do is cry. It's funny, because I'm somewhat like my new home in that aspect. It rains so much in Seattle, but the city is so beautiful and full of life when the sun comes out. That's what Lizzie does for me. She is my little ray of sunshine. _

_She is moving around a lot now and I rub my hand back and forth over my belly as I start humming a tune and moments later add in the words. _

"_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."_

_I notice almost instantly that Lizzie has calmed down, so I continue singing and eventually she stops moving altogether. _

_When I feel the tears in my eyes, it hits me. I just sang my little girl to sleep for the very first time. Maybe I can do this after all. I might be alone for now, but once she is here, it will be the two of us. And together we can weather all storms. _

_This is the first time in months that I fall asleep peacefully and actually sleep all night. _

~oOo~

I wake up with a start. The hospital room is dimly lit and the sky outside is still dark. For a moment, I wonder what woke me up but then I feel it: a stabbing pain in my lower stomach. I try to roll over to check the time on my phone, but the pain only intensifies, so I stop moving and stay rooted on my back.

As if feeling my unease, Lizzie starts getting restless and a few seconds later begins to wail. I force myself on my side this time and try to breathe through the increasing pain in my stomach. Reaching for my daughter, I can't get close enough to actually pick her up.

Stroking her stomach, I make soothing sounds and actually try singing our song again, but I can't get the words out through the pain that's permeating through my body. No matter what I try, she doesn't stop crying. I know that I would be able to soothe her if only I could get to her. Fumbling for my phone, I press the speed dial for Harvey.

It rings and rings and I hang up the second his voicemail connects. I curse out loud and Lizzie's cries get louder.

"I'm sorry, sweet girl. Everything's alright, there's no need to cry. Mommy's here and daddy will call back in just a minute."

Not believing my own words, I try Harvey's number again. Nothing. The third time, I leave a message for him, although I am not certain he can even hear what I'm saying through Lizzie's screaming.

"Harvey, we need you. Can you please call back as soon as you get this?"

Why did I force him to go? Why did I think I could do this on my own?

Trying to locate the call button for the nurse, I remember that Harvey placed the remote on the nightstand earlier. My nightmare continues as I realize that I can't reach it and I hope that Lizzie's cries are loud enough for someone to hear us.

Two more calls to Harvey stay unanswered and I can't even see through my tears anymore. All I can register is my hand on Lizzie's belly and the pain in my own.

Pressing the button on my phone for one last time, I practically beg the dial tone.

"Harvey, please. Please, pick up."


	12. Chapter 11

A/N Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and to all of you who are still on this journey with Stefanie and me. This chapter is shorter than the last few but this week was a hard one and we had to make the choice to either have it shorter or not post on time this week. Huge shoutout to Stefanie, Aimee, and God for the miracle that this chapter is. Real life and the end of Suits filming has really killed the vibe this week so you have no idea how true that statement really is. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 11

**Harvey's POV**

I find Donna's car without a problem. I was a bit surprised when she told me to look out for the charcoal Lexus SUV but as Louis said earlier today, Donna has always had great taste.

Putting the suitcase in the trunk, I notice the car seat base that Donna must have already installed in the backseat. No matter our current situation or what the future brings, I know that she will be a great mom to our daughter. Out of all the women I know, she is the only one I could see raising a child by herself. She would breeze through it and still excel at everything else life throws at her.

I already entered the hotel address in my phone's GPS and we are on the road in less than a minute.

The drive is spent with small talk about my mom's flight and the memories she has of visiting Seattle in her teens.

We arrive at the hotel in less than fifteen minutes and I easily find a spot in their underground garage.

"I hope they have a room available for you," my mom says, getting out of the car. "I would feel bad if you lost out on even more sleep looking for a different place."

Getting the luggage out of the car, she takes her suitcase from me and gives me a curious look when she finds the rest of the trunk empty.

I just shrug and give her a crooked grin.

"You have no plans on staying here, do you?" She laughs.

"I just don't like the idea of being away from them for the whole night. But I would love to have dinner with you. I could really use someone to talk to."

"Why don't we see if they have a table available at the hotel restaurant and you can share what's on your mind."

While mom checks in, I secure us a table at the in-house restaurant. Waiting by the door, I take a moment to check my work emails but they can't hold my attention for long. A few clicks later I'm looking at the pictures I took of Lizzie. In my favorite one, Donna is holding her in her arms and Lizzie is giving me a look of complete wonder over her mom's shoulder. Her eyes and mouth are wide open and I hide a snicker, thinking about the way she grabbed my cheeks right after I took the photo.

"Fatherhood suits you."

"What?" I laugh, looking up at my mom as she walked over towards me. "Where did that come from?"

I pocket my phone again and hook my arm around hers, leading her inside the restaurant.

"Your smile. Tell me you were not thinking about Lizzie just now."

"Guilty as charged."

I pull her chair out and seat myself on the opposite side of the table. Looking through the menu, I decide on the Grilled Zabuton before picking the conversation up again.

"Now that I have Lizzie, I've realized how much I always wanted to be a father."

"I always thought you would become a dad before Marcus."

"Because I was more promiscuous?" I give her a wink. Who would have thought that I would one day joke about my constantly changing girlfriends with my mom?

"Maybe," she laughs at my expense now. "But more because you always had so much love to give. You were always so driven, but in the end, family is the most important thing in your life. That's why my mistakes hit you so hard. I always thought you would start a family of your own as soon as you could to replace the one you lost. But I guess you just didn't meet Donna at the right time."

The waiter arrives to take our order and it gives me a moment to think about my response.

"I think I did meet Donna at the right time, to be honest."

"You think you could have made it work back then?"

"No, not back then. But I do believe that us being friends for such a long time, working side by side, being a team, is what will get us through this situation now. I know that she would have wanted to try and so did I. But I would have fucked it up. I just wasn't ready back then."

"So have you decided what you are going to do? Are you going to stay here?"

"No. We haven't talked and I haven't decided. I know I love her but I want what's best for Lizzie. I just don't know what that means for us."

"You know that you will have to make a decision right?"

"I know. But it's not as easy as I thought it would be."

Our meals arrive and for a moment we eat in silence. There is something else that has been on my mind for a while now and I think I need my mom's insight to really make an educated decision about my future.

"You loved dad, right?"

My mom looks up at me surprised.

"Of course I did."

"And yet, you couldn't make it work."

She places her cutlery down and takes a sip of her wine.

"To put it simply, we grew apart over time. We were such different people when we first met. I was always the more outgoing one and never saw myself as a wife or mother. Your father on the other hand always was a family man. He once joked that he wanted nine kids - enough to form his own baseball team." We both laugh. "But then, he also had a passion for music and wanted to perform. Your father had two loves in his life: you boys and his music. I love you, please don't ever think differently, but I was overwhelmed alone with the two of you. Your father was gone so often and over the years we both changed so much that we didn't fit together anymore." She takes another sip and finishes her glass. "There are no excuses for my actions and I'm not trying to justify myself to you. I just want you to understand that love isn't everything. You need to be a team. Need to work together and not against each other. A family is supposed to be a support system. It doesn't work when you are on different sides of the country."

"Are we still talking about you and dad?"

"I don't think we ever were. Harvey, I know you love Donna and you love Lizzie, but I also know this was dropped in your lap and you have to be absolutely sure what it is you want before you make any decisions. Just don't leave her in limbo for too long."

~oOo~

The dinner progresses nicely after our conversation and soon we move on to dessert, a delicious chocolate hazelnut torte. I will have to get a slice to take back to Donna.

Mom finishes the bottle of wine on her own while I decide to stay sober for the drive back to the hospital.

"I can't believe I really didn't notice that you never took your suitcase with you," she laughs. "You really are an exceptional man. Donna can count herself lucky."

"Did you really think I would leave them? It seemed like Donna wanted to be alone, so I thought I would give her two hours and then sneak back in while she's sleeping."

"Harvey, she didn't want to be alone."

"Excuse me?"

"She didn't want to be alone. She felt like she needed to be. As practice."

"What do you mean? She basically kicked me out."

"Donna is an independent woman. Sure, she has her friends for support, but at the end of the day, she thought she would be doing this on her own. You said yourself that you don't know what your plan for the future is. She needed to make sure that she could handle things without you."

"But I'm here and I want to help her as much as I can."

"Have you told her that? She expects to be a single mom for the majority of the time. Her life is in Seattle, yours is in New York. As of right now, nothing has changed for her."

"You have talked to Donna for maybe ten minutes and suddenly you think you know her better than I do? We have been in each other's lives for 14 years. She knows I'm here for her."

"I'm not saying I know Donna at all. But I'm a mother myself. I don't need to know her, to know what her biggest fears are."

"I can't believe this. So you are telling me that she is most scared of being alone and I left her by herself? Goddamnit! Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Harvey-"

"No, I'm going back right now."

"At least finish your dessert first."

"I'm going back. I will see you in the morning, Mom. Have a good night."

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

Two more calls to Harvey stay unanswered and I can't even see through my tears anymore. All I can register is my hand on Lizzie's belly and the pain in my own.

Pressing the button on my phone one more time, I practically beg the dial tone.

"Harvey, please. Please, pick up."

"Donna?"

Relief. Finally.

"Is everything alright?"

It takes me a moment to register that the voice is not coming from my cell phone.

I fall on my back again and turn my head towards the door.

"Harvey?"

When I get no answer, I blink away my tears to clear my vision. I promptly recognize the figure standing in the door. It's Amelia. Harvey didn't come.

"Donna, what happened?"

"My stomach," I get out through the tears. "I can't sit up."

Amelia sticks her head out of the door again and calls for someone else to join her in the room. Back beside the bed, she picks Lizzie up and puts her on my chest. My daughter's screams only intensify. Amelia quickly takes her into her own arms again and takes her into the corner, talking soothingly to her.

I am left frozen. The pain in my stomach momentarily forgotten as the pain in my heart fills my whole body. Lizzie didn't want me. My own daughter didn't want to be in my arms.

The door opens again and the doctor comes in. Amelia shortly explains the situation to her and then the doctor addresses me.

"Ms. Paulsen, I will need to check you over, okay?"

She pulls the cover aside and pushes my gown up. She presses down on my stomach hard and the pain intensifies. The tears come quicker again and I have trouble breathing.

"Ms. Paulsen. Donna, I need you to relax. Can you tell me what the pain feels like?"

Trying to push all other thoughts aside, I concentrate on her examination.

"Stabbing and cramps. Like contractions."

"It's most likely just afterpains. It's a bit unusual that they are this severe after your first baby, but you are also bleeding more than I would like, so that might be the cause."

This is the first time I feel the wet spot in the middle of the bed where my pad couldn't hold all the blood in.

"I will give you stronger pain killers and someone will come to change your sheets. The first day after giving birth is the hardest. This really is nothing to worry about."

She leaves without another word only to return with a syringe a minute later. Once injected into my IV, I feel the pain lessen almost instantly.

I look over to Amelia who is still trying to soothe Lizzie in the far corner of the room. While her crying has quieted down, she is still whimpering. The nurse makes her way over to me again.

"Is there anyone I can call for you?"

"My -" I don't even know what Harvey and I are anymore. "Her father. Harvey Specter. I tried to reach him but he didn't pick up."

I hit his speed dial button again and pass the phone over. Amelia listens for a second and then shakes her head before giving me the phone back.

"Straight to voicemail."

"I sent him to a hotel to sleep. I didn't think I would need him here."

"I'm sure he will come over as soon as he sees the missed calls."

Amelia stays until someone comes to change my sheets. Once I'm back in bed, she tries to hand over Lizzie to me. With the pain almost gone, I eagerly, but also hesitantly reach for my child.

The moment she is placed in my arm, her screaming starts up again. I look down at her in shock.

"Lizzie, it's okay baby. It's mommy." No matter what I try, she won't stop crying.

Amelia sees my distress and offers to take her again.

Not knowing what else to do, I hand her over again.

"Why doesn't she want me?"

"She can sense that you are still in pain. Give her an hour and once you feel like yourself again, she will be her calm and happy self as well. Why don't I take her to the nursery for a little while, so you can calm down?"

With tears swimming in my eyes, I watch her take my baby girl out of the room and away from me. All that's left behind is my sense of failure.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

I turn a corner in the empty hallway and look up when I hear a scream. At the other end of the corridor, I see Amelia carrying a crying baby into a room. I feel sorry for the parents who can't keep their baby with them overnight. I can't wait to hold my own girl in my arms again. I know she is sleeping, but the next time she wakes up to be nursed, I will get my baby cuddles in. Three hours without her really was too long.

I can breathe easier now, knowing I'm only steps away from Lizzie and Donna. Reaching her door, I carefully push the handle down, not wanting to wake up the occupants of the room. To my surprise, all the lights are on and Donna is sitting up in bed. Hoping to catch her mid-nursing, I check her arms for our baby girl, but they are empty. A quick look into the bassinet confirms that she is alone. Panic rushes through my body.

"Where's Lizzie?"

Donna's only reply is a sniffle followed by a low sob.

"Donna, it's after midnight. Where is she?"

She can't see my penetrating gaze as her eyes are fixed on the blanket lying over her legs. I put my index finger under her chin and lift her head up so our eyes can meet. Hers are bloodshot from crying and I can still see the wet streaks running down her cheeks.

"I need an answer now, Donna. Where is our daughter?"

"Amelia took her." Donna's voice is hoarse and the second she finishes the sentence, another sob leaves her body.

I pull my hand from under her face and take a step back.

"What happened? Why did she take her? What's wrong with her?"

I think back to the crying infant that Amelia carried away. That wasn't just some random baby that needed soothing, it was our baby.

I turn to leave the room again, but Donna's hand shoots out and grabs my arm.

"Nothing is wrong with her. She is alright."

I narrow my eyes at her.

"I find it hard to believe that everything is alright if they had to carry her out of here while she was screaming bloody murder."

"I just needed a moment to myself."

"And that couldn't have waited until I was back? It's only been a few hours, Donna."

"I couldn't- I didn't-"

Her tears come down faster now.

"You said you could do this on your own. You practically kicked me out. And now I come back hours earlier than scheduled and the nurses already had to intervene? You said you would call me if anything happens. I don't know about you, but my daughter being taken away in the middle of the night sure sounds like something worth a call."

"Our daughter." Her voice is sharp and sounds just as harsh as mine must have sounded a second ago.

She is still crying, but there is no hiding that she is angry at me. I give her a questioning look.

"What?"

"Our daughter. You said 'my daughter' but she is not just yours. I might have failed as a mother already, but she is still my daughter too."

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"And I did call. I called five times and then Amelia tried as well."

She slowly rolls over on her side, turning her back to me.

"I never got any-" I reach into my back pocket for my phone only to find it dead. "Fuck! It must have died while I was at dinner with my mom."

I see Donna's phone lying on the bed and a quick look at her outgoing calls confirms that she tried to contact me multiple times.

"Donna, I-, I'm so sorry."

I put my hand on her shoulder but she shrugs it off.

"I deserve your anger, I really do, but can you please tell me what happened?"

Making my way around the bed, I come face to face with her again.

"Donna." I take her hand in mine. "What happened?"

"I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

"This." She gestures around the room. "Motherhood."

"There is nothing you can't do. Least of all that."

"She wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't reach her, couldn't calm her down. And even when Amelia gave her to me-. I'm her mom and she didn't want me."

"Don, she always wants you. You are her mom. There is no one in this world she wants to be closer to than you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here, that I didn't check my phone. I should have never left you to begin with."

"I did kick you out. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. And now I know that I can't."

She presses her face into a pillow and her whole body starts shaking from the tears.

"Of course you can. It's just the first day. There will be plenty of moments we will feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do with her. We will learn, like all new parents."

Donna doesn't move and her sobs don't quiet down either.

"Hey," I pull the pillow out from under her and roll her over so she's on her back again. A loud hiss leaves her mouth and her face crunches up in pain. "What's wrong?"

"Just afterpains. I will be fine."

"Donna, I can tell when someone is lying to me. You are not fine. What's going on? Is this why you couldn't get to Lizzie?"

She stares at the ceiling and just breaths for a while.

"Are you in pain? Do you want me to call a nurse?"

It takes a few more minutes but I can see her face relax again and finally she gets ready to reply to me.

"It was all good after you left. We both went to sleep right after nursing. But then I woke up with a pain in my stomach and Lizzie was unsettled and I just couldn't move far enough to get to her. You wouldn't pick up the phone and the call button was out of reach on the nightstand-"

"Because I put it there," I say full of guilt.

"I just couldn't get to it and it felt like forever until someone heard us."

At this point, I'm not sure which emotion is more prominent: anger at myself, concern for Donna or the feeling of absolute failure that I let the most important people in my life down.

"I vowed to never let you feel scared again and yet here we are."

"Harvey, that was a long time ago."

"That doesn't make it any less valid now. I am so, so sorry that I wasn't here."

"Like you said, I made you leave. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I can't even look after my own daughter for one night."

"It's no one's fault. You were in pain and this was not a normal night. Lizzie has been calm all day, there was no way you could have anticipated she would be inconsolable tonight."

"I'm sure she wouldn't have been like this with you. You are just amazing with her. You were born to be a dad, while I already let her down when she's not even a day old. I can't do this. Maybe I was never supposed to be a mother."

"I don't ever want to hear you say that again. You kept her safe for nine months and I have no idea what I'm doing. I just know that I love her and that I want what's best for her. And you are what's best for her. The two of you are connected on a level that no man will ever reach with his child. She could feel that you were in distress, that's all. Let her calm down and then she will want to be right back in your arms."

"I don't deserve her." She turns her head to face away from me again. "And I don't deserve you."

"That is not true and you know it. We need you. I need you."

Donna doesn't get a chance to reply as the door to her room opens again and Amelia walks in with Lizzie.

"Someone misses her mom desperately," the young nurse says.

Donna doesn't react, so I take the baby into my arms and sit down in the bedside chair. Lizzie can barely keep her eyes open, but she also starts rooting at my chest, looking for milk.

"Nothing to find here, sweetie. Your mama is the one with all the good stuff."

I don't even give Donna the opportunity to refuse the baby and instead just hand her over.

Lizzie immediately puts her head into the crook of Donna's neck and her lips start smacking. Donna pulls her closer and gently rubs her back.

"I am so sorry that I couldn't be there for you, my sweet girl. Mommy didn't know what to do and I let you down."

"You did the best you could," I answer for our daughter. "This will not be the last time we won't know how to deal with her. There will be stomach aches, teething, she will fall down and get hurt. The three of us will learn together. But just like you said to me: if we are exhausted, we can't be there for her."

I try to catch her eyes to convey how serious I am but Donna's eyes are closed. For a second, it seems like she has fallen asleep, but then she starts to unbutton her gown and moves Lizzie down to nurse. Her eyes flutter open again, but she is still avoiding my gaze. I decide to let mother and daughter bond again and get up.

"I'm going to take a shower. I will be back in just a minute."

I want to ask her if she will be alright on her own, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea right now. I can't give her the chance to question herself again and I hope showing her that she can actually do this, is the right way to go. I lift her face to mine again and peck her lips quickly.

"You are the perfect mother for her. Don't ever doubt yourself again."

Donna looks down at our nursing daughter and a single tear leaves her eye.

I quickly shower and get into sweatpants and a shirt. Back in the room, I find mother and daughter asleep in their own beds. The overhead light is still glaring down at them.

Giving both of them a kiss on their forehead and turning down the lights, I make myself comfortable on the couch. As much as I would prefer a real bed, there is no place I would rather be than right here with my girls.

~oOo~

Morning comes quicker than I hoped. Lizzie woke up once, but Donna seemed to be back to her old confident self and whispered sweet nothings to our daughter while she nursed. I pretended to be asleep through it all. I know Donna can do this herself. Better than anyone else I know. It breaks my heart that she lost her confidence and I will do my best to help her gain it back.

I'm not even sitting up fully when the door flies open and three people enter the room. One of them is Donna's nurse Amelia, the other two seem to be doctors.

"Who is ready to go home?" the younger of the two physicians asks a little too enthusiastically.

I see Donna pale and the worry is back in her eyes.

"Is that such a good idea after last night?"

"Ms. Paulsen, I assure you that nothing that happened last night is preventing the two of you from going home today. We will give you both thorough examinations and with the help you have at home," she gives me an encouraging look, "I'm certain that you will be fine."

I give Lizzie her morning cuddles while the two doctors check over Donna. She mentioned afterpains last night, but hearing the doctors talk about them, makes me realize how bad it had actually been.

She is still hissing in pain and moving slowly, but they deem her safe to go home.

"If the pain or bleeding increases in the next few days, go and see your OB/GYN. And you will have to make an appointment for your six-week checkup as well."

Next, they turn towards our little girl.

"Let's see if you are as healthy as your mom is."

I pass her over to the young doctor who places her back into her bed. Stripping her down to her diaper, they check her eyes and move her legs around to test her hip joints. Lizzie keeps quiet and actually seems to enjoy the attention until they start to listen to her heart. The cold stethoscope must have startled her and she starts to scream.

"You couldn't have warmed that up first?" I practically push the doctor aside, reaching for my girl.

"Daddy's here, sweetie. There is nothing to cry about. They should have known better," I eye the young doctor angrily, "and they will be extra careful next time."

With another piercing look, I put Lizzie back and watch the woman warm up the stethoscope in her palm.

She finishes the examination quickly and Lizzie gets a clean bill of health.

"I will be back with your release papers and the birth certificate," Amelia says before the doctors leave the room.

The nurse gives Donna a hug and then follows the physicians.

"Are all the nurses here this friendly?"

"She is actually my neighbor and a friend."

"That explains why she seems so familiar with Lizzie."

"It came in quite handy having an OB nurse live next door."

"I can imagine. So...," I look at our daughter and then at Donna again, "they just send us home? No tests if we are actually able to do this? They will just let us walk out of here with a baby? We could be criminals. Or worse, lawyers. They know nothing about real life. This seems very unsafe for her."

It's the first time today that I see Donna laugh.

"We make her, we look after her. That's the rule."

Donna grabs some clothes from her overnight bag and makes her way to the bathroom.

"Can you put her in her 'going home' outfit while I shower? I put it in her diaper bag."

I dress Lizzie in the pink onesie that Donna put aside for her. She looks adorable and ready to meet the outside world.

Just when I am done, Amelia returns with a wheelchair and a stack of papers, followed by a hospital administrator. Luckily Donna already filled in her insurance details and I can just cover the rest of her bill.

Amelia hands me Donna and Lizzie's release forms and what looks like an unofficial birth certificate. It has Winnie the Pooh and Tigger on it and will look nice framed on a wall next to the copy of the footprints they took right after her birth.

The last paper is Lizzie's official Birth Certificate and on the right side of the paper, there is my name. Harvey Reginald Specter. I really, officially, am someone's father. It makes me equal parts excited and scared. I look over the rest of the information and confirms that it's all correct. I proudly sign my name and give it back to Amelia.

Donna returns from the bathroom in sweatpants and an oversized sweater. It has been a long time since I have seen her this dressed down, not counting the last two days and her maternity gown. I am sure she would disagree with me, but I don't think she has ever looked as beautiful as she does right now.

I quickly take our bags down to the car and return just in time to see Donna give Lizzie a kiss before placing her in the car seat.

"Ready?" she asks me.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I reply.

She sits down in the wheelchair and Amelia is pushing her out the door while I am holding on to the car seat that contains the most precious cargo ever.

Arriving at the car, Amelia helps Donna into the back seat so she can sit with Lizzie and I go around to the other side to place our daughter next to her. Together, Donna and I get Lizzie's car seat secured in the base but I still double and triple check that it is secure. It comes to the point that Donna starts laughing at me and then she gets halfway mad with me because it hurts for her to laugh.

"We are finally going home, sweetie."

I lean in and kiss Lizzie on the cheek before gently shutting the car door so it doesn't scare her.

I climb into the driver's seat and turn around to smile at Donna. She passes me her phone with the GPS app already activated. While the trip shouldn't have taken longer than 15 minutes, it took us almost double that. I don't think I have ever driven this slowly in my whole life. I'm not a bad driver at all, but my daughter, my beautiful, perfect, newborn daughter is in the backseat and I am scared to death that something will happen to her.

When we pull into the driveway, I see a big pink bow on the mailbox along with _It's a girl_and _Congratulations_balloons.

"That must have been Rachel," Donna laughs from the backseat.

"I don't know. It screams more 'Mike' to me," I retaliate.

I turn the car off and help Donna out before going round to get Lizzie. I hand Donna her keys and let her lead the way. This is hers and Lizzie's home, not mine. Donna opens the door and I follow behind her. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do or say, but I put the car seat down in front of the couch and it somehow triggers Donna to sit down as well. She has a strange look on her face that I am not sure how to interpret.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just- I get now how you felt at the hospital earlier. When I left here two days ago she was inside me and all I had to do was eat healthily, drink lots of fluids, and stay safe. Now she's here. This completely separate person that I, we, are responsible for. I mean, I knew that, but something about coming through that door with her just made it so much more real."

"I get that. I've totally been feeling that since the moment Mike told me you were pregnant and in labor."

"Well, I did have about an eight-month head start on coming to terms with it all. I can only imagine how you feel."

She looks around her own home, lost in thought.

"I'm going to run out to the car and get your bag, I'll be right back."

"Aren't you going to get yours too?"

"Well, I mean, I didn't want to assume."

"Harvey, I know we still have a lot to talk about, but you should be here. I want you to stay. Please, say that you will stay."

I don't even have to think before I give her my reply.

"Yes, of course, I will stay."

I just need to find out if she means for now or forever.


	13. Chapter 12

A/N WOW! I can't believe we actually got it out on Darvey Wednesday after all. For those that didn't see my Twitter post, my mom was admitted to the hospital on Saturday night and was transferred to a nursing home/rehab today. I had company in town Thursday through Saturday, leading up the hospitalization so there has literally been no time for me to really work on the story. You can thank my co-writer (co-conspirator) Stefanie (COOPaulsen-Twitter, Andelin-FFnet), who although on holiday herself, is almost entirely responsible for the absolute miracle that Chapter 12 is. Thank you to Aimee as always.

**Chapter 12**

**Donna's POV**

_"You ready to go?" Rachel asks from the door. _

_"Almost. Do you mind giving me a moment alone? I'll be down in a minute."_

_"Okay. Mike and I will be downstairs whenever you are ready."_

_I sit down in the rocking chair and place by hand where I can feel my precious baby girl moving around. I gently run my fingers back and forth over my stomach letting her know that I feel her. _

_"Oh, Lizzie. I'm so excited to meet you tonight. I know we've been right here with each other for the past nine months, but tonight we will finally come face to face. I can't wait to see what you look like. To see if you will have my hair or your father's, and whose eyes will you have? You've been listening to my voice but tonight you finally get to see my face. I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and give you all the love I can. _

_"I don't know if I've done the right thing, baby girl. I don't know if it was right to keep you a secret this long. I don't know if I do the right thing revealing it now and I don't know how your dad is going to react. But I do know that no matter what, he is going to love you so much, Lizzie. You will be the center of his whole world the minute he lays eyes on you. Your father and I definitely have a complicated relationship but neither of us would ever allow that to affect our relationship with you. I know the circumstances were not the best and they still aren't, but I couldn't possibly have given you a better dad. I hope that tonight you get to hear your dad's voice and see his face too. Your dad has the most beautiful eyes. They are soulful and loving. Your dad is so protective of the people that he loves and I guarantee you that the moment he finds out about you, you will shoot to the top of that list. You are so lucky, baby girl. You have so many people out there that can't wait to meet you. Aunt Rachel and Uncle Mike can't wait to spoil you. Speaking of them, we should probably go downstairs and get to the hospital so we can finally meet. What do you say?" I feel her kick against my side. "I guess that's a yes." _

_I stand up and make my way to the door, turning around to take one last look at the nursery. For a long time, I couldn't decide on a color for the room. But seeing the pink and gray now, I couldn't be happier with it. I don't really know what made me choose elephants as a theme, but I love the way it all came together. The light gray rug and laundry basket shaped like an elephant head, the lyrics to our favorite song on the wall and my favorite, the dark gray crib with an elephant mobile. I can't wait to watch my daughter sleep in it. _

_The next time I walk in this room, Lizzie will be in my arms instead of in my belly. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm so excited to finally meet her and start this new adventure, but I'm also kind of sad that I will no longer be able to protect her the way that I have been able to for the last nine months. All things considered, I had a relatively easy pregnancy. Once I came to terms with it all, I have been able to really enjoy it and I have loved feeling every move, kick, and punch that my precious angel has made. But now I get to see her tiny little hands and feet and count each of her fingers and toes and kiss her sweet little cheeks and I'm more than ready to do that. I turn the light off and exit the room, heading downstairs to meet Rachel and Mike. _

~oOo~

Looking around the nursery now, I can't believe how much of a difference two days can make. 48 hours ago, it was just me, and now I have Lizzie in my arms and Harvey by my side. The room suddenly feels too small for his big personality.

"I like it," he interrupts my thoughts. "It's very _you._"

"You see gray elephants and think of me? I'm not sure that is a compliment," I laugh my discomfort away.

"I happen to like elephants very much. I can't believe we both chose them for her. Maybe our shared brain works outside the office after all. The room actually reminds me of home. Your office to be exact."

"So now it has a corporate vibe to it? Make up your mind, Harvey." All this uncomfortable laughing is starting to make my stomach hurt again, but I always had a hard time taking his flattering remarks. Regardless, I prefer to take this pain over the tears any day.

"You are not making it easy for me to give you a compliment, you know." He steps further into the room and walks over to the crib. "It's very homey. Warm. If I was a little girl, I would love to call this my room."

I refrain from making a joke about his dwindling masculinity and just take the praise.

"Thank you, Harvey."

He looks over to us and then back to the crib.

"Better get used to these bars, kid," he quotes one of his favorite movies.

"Harvey!" I yell out in shock.

"It was a joke." His smile is full Cheshire Cat. "One child in prison was enough."

"Never thought I'd actually hear you refer to Mike as a son again. Not after what happened."

"He's got an extreme protective instinct and an intense love for the law. He must have gotten it from someone. And I could have done worse than him."

"Does that mean you've forgiven him?"

"I wouldn't go that far, but I can say that he's got his priorities straight. Can't fault him for loving you."

"He loves you, too."

"If you say so."

"You know he does. I really hope you can let go of your anger soon. I really want us all to get along again, now that this little one is here."

I pull Lizzie close to my chest and give her fingers a kiss.

"I just need a bit of space and then he and I can have another talk in a few days."

I bite my lip and raise my eyebrows in guilt. Harvey gives me a curious look.

"What?"

"I might have invited him and Rachel over for dinner tomorrow night." I give him a shy grin.

"Donna…" He groans.

"What? They want to see their goddaughter. You will not keep her away from them, will you?"

He walks up to me again and takes our daughter out of my arms.

"I'm not ready to share her attention yet."

"Harvey, her attention span is that of a fly. She will probably be sleeping the whole time they are here."

"So there is no need for him to come then."

"I wouldn't have made it through the last nine months without them. I will never be able to pay them back for what they did for me, but I will have to at least try. They really want to be here for her."

"I know, I'm sorry." He carries Lizzie over to her crib. "I just like this the way it is. Just the three of us."

I'm glad that Harvey has his back to me while he puts Lizzie down to sleep, so he doesn't see me blush. He has always known how to say the right things, but reading too much into them brought me fourteen years of heartache.

"Do you want me to show you around while she sleeps?" I change the topic.

"Just showing me my room will suffice. I don't think you should be walking around this much."

I actually do feel exhausted and would love to catch some sleep before Lizzie needs to be nursed again.

Making our way out of the nursery, I quickly run through my options. I know that Harvey wants to be as close as possible to Lizzie, but she will be sleeping in my room for the foreseeable future and I'm not sure I can deal with having him this close right now. For a moment I wonder why I even asked him to stay.

"The couch in the study downstairs is a pull-out."

I see his face fall before I even finish the sentence.

"I don't think I will be hearing Lizzie from that far away."

"I have a baby monitor," I try to convince him.

"Donna, please. I'm here to help you with her. I already missed so much and I don't want to be away from her right now."

I know he didn't mean it as an accusation, he was simply stating facts, but I am still overcome with guilt.

"I do have a spare bedroom up here."

"Perfect."

"It still has boxes in it. With work and the pregnancy and…" I don't finish the sentence. "I just didn't have time to unpack everything."

"Donna, I really don't care about some boxes." He gives me a knowing look. "But if you prefer for me to sleep downstairs, I can do that."

"No," I give in. "You are right. I asked you to stay to help out. You should be close, just in case."

I show him to the door on the other side of the hallway and open it carefully. I can't remember in what state I left the room when I have last been in there the morning of my 20 weeks scan.

I find it spotless, with the boxes pushed in a corner and the bed made up with fresh sheets.

"Rachel must have already anticipated you staying up here. She even gave you the good sheets."

"Good to know that at least she is Team Harvey."

I decide not to reply, but rather to make a quick exit.

"My room is right next door. I have a cot by my bed that I will move Lizzie into when she wakes up, so you will find both of us in there. Kitchen, living room and my study are downstairs. You can use it if you need to catch up on some work. Rachel pre-cooked a lot, so there is definitely food in the freezer if you get hungry," I babble on and open the door to my room. "Lizzie should sleep for at least another hour and I need to catch up on some sleep myself. So, I will see you then. Just make yourself at home."

I quickly step into my room, closing the door behind me. Leaning my forehead against it, I close my eyes in embarrassment. Why does it feel so strange having him here and why did I think asking him to stay was a good idea? I can't even be myself around him for ten minutes, how am I supposed to do it 24/7?

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

"Make yourself at home," I repeat the words Donna just left me with before she bolted into her room. _Home_. Was it just a phrase or did she really mean it like that?

This nervous and insecure side of her is one I have never seen before. We are all overwhelmed with the situation, but I do hope she doesn't regret asking me to stay. I want to be close to Lizzie and I want to be close to her. This arrangement will give me the chance to find out if and how we can do this co-parenting thing and what it means for our future.

I duck into Lizzie's room again and switch the baby monitor on. Grabbing a handset, I make my way down the stairs.

While upstairs is made of multiple rooms, with the master bedroom, the nursery, the guest bedroom, and half bath all separated by walls, downstairs is one open area.

One smaller room at the bottom of the stairs seems to be her office. I only stick my head in, wanting to discover the rest of her home first.

The house is larger than I expected and full of light, thanks to the full window front in the living room that looks out into the garden. With the high amount of misty days in Seattle, it is a good idea to let as much sunshine as possible in.

The hall leads straight into the living room, which houses a round dining table in the corner and a larger seating area in front of a beautiful fireplace. On top of it, there are pictures of Donna, Mike, and Rachel, one with her parents and her sister, even one with Louis and Sheila at Mike's wedding. Separating the living room from the kitchen is a large island with a breakfast bar. The setup actually reminds me of my own condo.

I am pleased to see that Donna stuck to her color schemes from back home. White, light grays and pastels welcome me and instantly make me feel at home. I have always loved Donna's style even though it is such a contrast to my own dark chromed condo and office. Her house is light and homey, just like her. Or at least how she used to be before we said some things that we can never take back.

I get a bottle of water from the fridge and open the doors into the garden. The weather outside is perfect. The sun is shining, there is a soft breeze, and it is hot without being stifling like Manhattan summers are.

I make myself comfortable in one of the patio chairs and put the baby monitor on the table. Taking a sip from my water, I look around. The garden isn't huge, but it is large enough for a swing set and sandbox for when Lizzie is older. The grass is kept neat and there is a small flowerbed over to the side. I never knew Donna was into gardening but maybe it just came with the house.

I could actually see myself living here. I know it is presumptuous to assume that Donna will want me to live with her and I still have a life on the East Coast, but I can picture it.

Barbeques on the patio, Lizzie splashing around in a kiddie pool, evenings by the fireplace.

I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with Lizzie but I know in my heart that Donna will not come back to New York. How are we going to do this? Will I fly over every few weeks or work remotely from here? I have client meetings and depositions, sometimes scheduled on the same day. Could I make living on two separate coasts actually work? Could I leave my family? Not just my mom and Marcus, but my work family as well. Just like Donna with Mike and Rachel, I was saved by these people in the past year and I can't imagine not having them in my life. Would Donna even want me around for good?

I hear Lizzie stir over the monitor and I stop my deliberations for now. There is no use for me to come to a conclusion without Donna's input anyway. I will have to follow her lead for now and wait until she knows what she wants.

Closing the sliding door behind me to keep the heat out, I make my way back upstairs to my daughter and the woman I love.

~oOo~

The rest of the morning is spent with Donna nursing and me rocking Lizzie to sleep. I unpack what little I took with me and find time for a short nap myself. It feels good to finally sleep in a real bed again. My mom comes over just in time for lunch and she and Donna create the most delicious Chicken Alfredo Sandwiches together. How Donna finds the strength to stand in the kitchen for it, I will never understand. My mom offered multiple times to cook by herself and I told them both we could just heat up whatever Rachel made, but Donna wouldn't listen.

Over lunch, my mom embarrasses me with stories of my childhood and Donna giggles through the whole meal, probably storing all information away to use as blackmail material later. I am happy to see sassy Donna back, but I fear what will happen once it's just the two of us again.

"My dear, I really don't know who you are trying to convince that you can do it all, but life with a newborn is a marathon, not a sprint." I hear my mom pick up the conversation again.

The two women are sitting on the patio after lunch, while I'm in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes. Lizzie is asleep in her portable crib next to the open sliding doors.

"I'm used to little sleep and I'm confident I can handle this on my own," Donna's voice carries through the open window.

"We all thought we could do it, but there is a difference between 'being able to' and 'having to'. The Number 1 rule to life with a baby is to take all the help you can get. I'm here, Harvey's here and if I have ever seen a man eager to do it all, it's my son."

"He would probably nurse her if he could," Donna jokes.

"No doubt about that. Are you ready to start pumping? That way Harvey could bottle feed her."

"I don't know."

"You will have to pump at one point anyway and it would really help with their bond."

"I don't think they need any help in that department."

I could be mistaken, but it sounds like Donna was tearing up again.

"Donna, dear, what is it?"

I move my gaze away from the plates and to the women sitting outside. Donna has her back to me, but I have a clear view of my mom. She leans forward and takes Donna's hand in hers. The quick looks she throws me tells me that she's not approving of me listening in. But with Donna not talking to me, how else am I going to find out how she really feels?

I take a step back, out of my mother's field of vision, and lean against the fridge. They can't see me anymore, but I am still able to hear them.

"I just don't know how to deal with him being here. Lizzie is his absolute priority, just like she is for me, but sometimes I wonder if he would be here if it wasn't for her."

"I guess the two of you still haven't really talked."

"I want to, but after last night I'm even more scared of the outcome."

"What happened last night?"

"It was nothing in the end, but while you were out for dinner, I got surprised by afterpains and couldn't calm down Lizzie when she woke up screaming. The nurses had to help out and Harvey wasn't too happy about it. He jumped to conclusions and yelled at me, thinking I kept it from him on purpose. He was the first person I thought of and I tried his phone five times, but he just didn't hear it."

"Oh, Donna. I am so sorry. If I hadn't kept him talking."

"It's really not your fault. I was the one to send him away, but the way he yelled at me… I realized that he doesn't trust me anymore."

"But didn't he tell you that he loved you?"

"He did. But what good is love without trust? I know I messed up, but with the way he behaved, I thought he forgave me. I guess I was wrong."

"Why did you ask him to stay then?"

"I want him around for Lizzie."

"And for you?"

"Yes." Her answer is very timid.

"Do you still love him?"

There is no reply, only a quiet sob.

"Oh, Donna. It will all work out. Just give him time. And if he doesn't want to talk, force him. I heard you have always been the one who was able to make him do things he didn't want to do."

"This is different. He and Lizzie have this amazing bond already. He would say and do anything to stay close to her."

"So what you are saying is, that it's not about him not trusting you, but about you not trusting him."

"I've always trusted him to do what's right."

"You just don't trust him with your heart."

I have heard enough and I make my way out into the living room. Lizzie was starting to wake up and it was a good excuse to join the women outside.

Picking her up, I walk over to Donna and place Lizzie in her arms.

"Someone's missing her mom."

Donna's eyes light up. I know that she fears not being able to bond with Lizzie the way she thinks I did with our daughter, but the way the little girl snuggles up to Donna's chest should take her worries away.

"What have you two ladies been talking about while I was gone? Hopefully not more fabricated stories about me?"

"There is nothing fabricated about the fact that you put on a dress in kindergarten and wanted to be called Harriet for a day," my mom one-upped me.

"He really used the name Harriet?" Donna laughs. I could see that her eyes were red from tears, but the story also made them twinkle. "That's my drinking name."

"Your what now?" I give her a confused look.

"My drinking name. When Rachel and I were single, we flirted with unsuspecting men, pretending to be you and Mike. She was Michelle Ross, an associate with an eidetic memory, and I was Harriet Specter, best closer in New York City."

I look at her in shock.

"You used me to hook up with other men?" I am starting to get a bit sick. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"For one, I didn't 'hook up' with men. I just flirted my way to free drinks. And two, Harriet was just one of my many characters."

"You can take the girl out of the theater, but you can't take the theater out of the girl," Lily laughs out loud.

"This way, four years of drama school wasn't for nothing."

"I don't even know who you are anymore." My eyes must be as big as saucers.

"Now you know how I feel." I don't think I was supposed to hear her reply, but I still did.

My mom notices the changed mood and quickly starts a new topic.

"I love your house, Donna. Your taste is just phenomenal."

"Thank you, Lily. I got so lucky with it. The owners needed to sell quickly and when I got my partnership buy-in back, I was able to pay them right then and there, so I got it a lot cheaper. I instantly fell in love with it when I first stepped in."

"It is bigger than I expected."

"Four bedrooms really wasn't my original plan. But with Lizzie here now, she needed a room, I will have to work a lot from home over the coming years, so I needed a study, and I want my friends and family to stay here when they visit as well."

"It really is perfect as a family home."

The look she gives me is not lost on Donna.

"It might be a bit big for just the two of us, but I loved growing up in a house and I wanted to give that to Lizzie as well."

The conversation comes to a lull after this and Donna excuses herself to nurse and change Lizzie.

My mom gets ready to leave shortly after to check out an art exhibition that is closing today. She goes upstairs to say goodbye to Donna and returns not even a minute later.

"That was quick."

"They are both asleep and hopefully stay that way for a while now. You really need to make life easier for her, Harvey. She has been through a lot and doesn't know how to ask for help."

"You know that I'm trying."

"What I do know is that you listened in on a conversation that wasn't for your ears. Please, have that talk with her and be honest about how you feel. You are a team and I'm sure you will be able to work it all out together."

She kisses me on the cheek and gets into her rental car.

She drives away and I am once again left alone with my thoughts.

~oOo~

For the rest of the day, we dance around each other. While we manage to establish a routine with Lizzie quickly, fourteen years of working side by side came in handy, we still stayed away from any heavier conversation.

Donna and Lizzie are now asleep and I decide to take my laptop into the study to catch up on some emails.

Making room on her desk, I bump against her laptop and wake it from its sleep status. Her screensaver starts playing and I'm spellbound by the picture slideshow.

Most photos are once again of her, Mike and Rachel. Others show what must be their new workplace and her colleagues. In each one, you can see her baby bump growing. I know that Donna was always proud of her fit body and I love her in tight dresses, but pregnancy suits her. Her belly was perfectly round and it doesn't look like she gained much weight anywhere else.

Moving on, the screen now shows pictures of her life back in New York. Her with Jessica or Katrina, some friends from the DA office and from her time at the theater. It isn't until the slideshow starts all over again, that I realize there wasn't one picture of me.

~oOo~

It took me about an hour to reply to all emails that came in overnight and one phone call to Louis later, I am ready to pack up for the day.

Not sure what else to do, I make my way back upstairs to the guest bedroom. There isn't much furniture in the room yet apart from the bed and the build-in cupboards which are still empty. Taking a look at the boxes stacked in the corner, I remember my mother's words about helping Donna in any way I can. I guess I can help her unpack.

The first box just held some Broadway playbills and college memorabilia. I unpack everything and put it on a shelf. At the bottom of the box, I find Donna's Yale diploma. I am not sure if she has a reason for keeping it hidden, but I think it deserves a place of honor in her living room. Leaving it on the nightstand for now, I go for the next box.

While the previous content held no particular interest to me, this was the complete opposite.

When opening the lid, I already sense that something is different. The first item that greets me, is the cobalt blue dress that I bought Donna after a particular hard win. One that I couldn't have managed with her. Going further through the box, I find more dresses, handbags, shoes, and jewelry that either I bought for her or she purchased with my card. The last two boxes held the same. Everything that connected her to me, all our shared memories, are stashed away in this room.

I now know why there were no pictures of us found in her house. They were all here, hidden away from view. I sit down on the floor, leaning my back against the bed and I feel the tears filling my eyes. Did I hurt her so bad, that she couldn't even stand to look at anything that reminded her of me?

I reach for one of the picture frames and pick it up. The photo in it is one of the rare selfies Donna and I took together. It was after her closing night in the _Merchant of Venice_, he hair in unruly curls, her face free of the stage makeup she had on earlier. She looks happy. And so do I.

I'm not sure how long I sit there, staring at the picture that depicts maybe one of our last truly happy days together. Before Liberty Rail, before therapists turned girlfriend, and before prison sentences of the substitute son.

My trip down memory lane gets interrupted by noises coming from the baby monitor. Lizzie is waking up. I hope she doesn't need to nurse straight away so Donna can sleep for a bit longer.

I get up to check on them. Donna's door is slightly ajar, so I can make my way into the room without disturbing them too much. With the light coming from the hallway, I can see Donna sleeping peacefully. She really is so beautiful. I glance just to the left of her to Lizzie's bassinet and see that she is starting to stir. I quickly but quietly make my way over there and gently pick her up.

"Daddy's here, sweet girl," I whisper to her.

I want to leave the room to not wake Donna, but when we are halfway out the door, Lizzie lets out a loud shriek and Donna immediately sits up.

"Hey," I give her a sheepish look.

"Hi." Her voice is hoarse and she needs a moment to fully realize where she is.

Blinking up to us, still half asleep, she looks absolutely adorable.

"Is she hungry?"

"Most likely. Let me just change her and we will be right back."

Before Lizzie, I hadn't changed diapers for almost a decade but I realized that it's just like riding a bike. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to mind us undressing her and I try to distract her by tickling her feet and tummy in between.

Smelling fresh and clean again, I bring her back to Donna who is now sitting up, ready to nurse.

Handing our daughter over, I wait at the bottom of the bed, unsure of what to do. In the hospital, there was no other room for me to go to and at home today, Donna always left to nurse. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but I love watching them bond like this.

"Stop being such a creep and just join us," Donna suddenly says.

"What?" I look at her wide-eyed.

"Standing there like this, makes you look like a peeping Tom. Nothing you haven't seen before. Just come sit down."

She taps the mattress next to her and I hesitantly sit down. Leaning against the headboard, I watch her feed our daughter.

How can she go from timid and uncomfortable to inviting me into her bed in the span of a day? Her behavior leaves me confused but I try not to think too much about it, because right here and now, in her bed in the middle of the night, everything seems perfect and easy. All thoughts of unspoken words and hidden memories are gone. This is what life is supposed to be like.

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

"I am glad that she latches on so easily. I read some horror stories before and got really worried," I try to make the quiet less awkward.

I didn't really expect Harvey to comment but when he doesn't make a sound at all, I look over to him.

He is still halfway sitting up, but his head has fallen to the side and his eyes are closed. He has fallen asleep.

I suppress a giggle.

"Poor daddy," I whisper to Lizzie, "you managed to tire him out."

Finishing nursing, I put her back to sleep and lie down myself. Curling up close to the edge, I look up at Harvey. Images of the past come to the forefront of my mind. Another night with me falling asleep next to him. Back then, we were young and full of adventure. Now we are slightly older and our adventures got the best of us. The morning following that night defined the next twelve years of our lives.

I am scared of what the next day will bring this time.


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: I want to say thank you to all of those who have been praying for my mom and me (and my family) since she went to the hospital the first time on 8/31 and especially this last time on 9/13. Thank you to Aimee for being there to support Stefanie and me through this "Labor of Love". And thank you, thank you, thank you to Stefanie without whom there would be no chapter at all. Y'all this chapter is 90% her. My mind has obviously been focused elsewhere for weeks but luckily she and I share a brain. She's absolutely the best writing partner around. Please show her all the love and respect she deserves. On a side note, I know you are all dying for "the talk" and it's coming next week. A chapter by the way that Stefanie and I will be finishing and posting within the same four walls as my bestie is flying from London to North Carolina to watch the finale with me. YAY! Alright...go enjoy the chapter now.

**Chapter 13**

**Donna's POV**

"I can't believe we finally have it all."

I roll on my back and give Harvey a grin. Through half-open eyes, I make out his Cheshire cat reply, smiling up at me from his pillow.

"Don't go soft on me, Specter. What would your old self from the DA's office say, seeing you now?"

"He would be so smug that he really managed to make his hot secretary his baby mama. The guy from back then had some steamy thoughts about this."

"About babies or about the baby-making?"

I fully turn on my side now, the morning light streaming through the window front blinding me for a second. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I fully take Harvey in. Messy hair, a few gray ones coming through, the sun behind him creating a halo around his head. I don't think he has ever looked this good. Will I ever get used to waking up next to him?

"Would you believe me if I said 'both'?" he winks at me.

"Probably not or it wouldn't have taken you this long," I laugh. "You never had great timing."

"I managed to knock you up on the first try, I'd say my timing is exceptional."

His hand finds my belly and he leans forward to kiss me softly.

"Your math skills are not. This was actually the second try."

"And this is the second baby, so who can't count now?"

I press my protruding belly against his stomach.

"You are an idiot."

I pull Harvey's face towards mine and close my eyes. Brushing my nose against his, I give him a kiss.

"And yet you married me. I love you, Mrs. Paulsen-Specter."

"As I love you too, Mr. Paulsen-Specter."

"Not funny."

He pulls me even closer and his lips find mine again. I let out an embarrassingly loud moan and Harvey laughs before diving back in.

What is about to become a steamy make-out session gets rudely interrupted by cries coming from the baby monitor.

"Cockblocked again," Harvey laughs, pulling away from me. "Are you sure that monitor doesn't work both ways? She always knows when to wake up to have the biggest impact."

"I'm certain. But I guess she ultimately takes after you." Putting my hands on my belly, I get comfortable on my pillow again, knowing Harvey will look after our screaming daughter. "Her timing is just as exceptional."

The crying continues and I give Harvey a shove when he doesn't move.

"She probably had a bad dream and unless you want to explain to her what we were doing, you better get up."

I feel the mattress give way under his weight.

He greets her the same way he did since the day she was born. "Daddy's here, sweet girl."

I expect his voice to come from the baby monitor, but I can hear him right next to me. My eyes fly open and my hands go straight to my rather flat stomach.

Harvey is holding a newborn Lizzie in his arms, giving me a sheepish look. There are no gray hairs on his head and no full glass window front with the New York skyline behind him. No wedding bands and no second baby.

"I hoped I would be able to soothe her without waking you, but I think she's hungry."

I look at him, completely paralyzed. A dream. It was just a dream.

He hands the baby over and gets back into bed next to us. Leaning against the headrest he closes his eyes again. I'm thankful that I can at least pretend to get one moment to myself. I've had dreams about Harvey in the past, but nothing like this. This perfect life I imagined a few minutes ago wasn't something I ever dared to dream about.

"Did you stay here? With us?" I'm finally brave enough to use my voice again.

"Sorry, I know you wanted your space." He opens one eye and gives me a cheeky grin. "But being a dad must have tired me out more than I thought. I will make sure to fall asleep in my room next time."

I hope that not having him next to me all night will keep the dreams at bay, but I also know how close he wants to be to Lizzie. I've kept them apart for too long already and I'm ready to swallow my discomfort to give him what he needs.

"You don't have to do that. The bed is big enough for the two of us."

"And I promise I will keep my hands to myself," he jokes. I stay quiet, my dream still vividly in my head. "Has someone ever told you that you talk in your sleep?" he adds.

"What?" My head flies towards him, my throat tightening. What did I say?

"It was mainly sounds, a few -," he stops himself before deciding on a word, "groans and laughs. I think you mentioned my name once."

A deep blush rushes to my cheeks and I hide my head behind Lizzie's.

"Probably just me dreaming about work in New York. I tend to do that from time to time," I try to deflect from the conversation.

"I'm sure I gave you plenty of reasons to groan back then, but I think I only heard that particular sound from you once or twice. Did you always wait with it until you were home alone?"

The way he emphasized the word 'groan', I immediately know what he means. And even if it didn't, the penetrating look he gives me, clearly states that he's got sex on his mind.

"What I do when I'm home alone, is none of your business."

Lizzie is nodding off again, so I pass her over to Harvey for him to burp her.

"Neither is the Yankees batting order but that doesn't keep me from thinking about it," he winks at me, gently stroking Lizzie's back.

"Can you get your mind out of the gutter and get me a coffee?" I need him out of the house. Right now.

"You know I don't make coffee."

"Good thing for you, I don't have any in the house. There is a Starbucks on every corner here. Seattle is kind of famous for it."

Harvey grabs Lizzie a bit tighter and instead of getting off the bed to carry her back to her bassinet, he swings one leg over mine, essentially straddling me. He leans forward, presses his forehead against the crook of my neck and breathes me in.

"As you wish, Buttercup."

Taking a deep breath myself, I'm confronted with one of my favorite scents: Sandalwood and Bergamot. A combination that always brought comfort to me. For as long as I have known him, Harvey has always used this particular aftershave, the same one his father used and that Marcus gifts him every single Christmas and birthday.

Putting Lizzie into my arms, he slides backward off the bed.

"Caramel macchiato?"

I just nod.

"Give me 30 minutes."

He leaves the room and walks down the stairs.

The second I hear the front door fall shut, I dash into the bathroom. I feel Harvey all over me and need to get his scent off me.

Leaving the door open, so I can hear Lizzie in case she wakes up again, I get into the shower. Hoping that the hot water will erase my memories from the last ten minutes, I begin to wash my hair.

Feeling the suds run down my body, I imagine them being Harvey's hands. Gentle but forceful, demanding and passionate. My nipples get hard despite the hot water. This is not helping.

"Fuck!" I scream out in frustration.

"Donna?"

Suddenly the glass door gets ripped open and Harvey is staring at me with a worried look on his face.

"Harvey!" I shriek, turning around to hide from his view.

"Is everything alright?"

I turn my head around and catch his eyes roaming down my naked body.

"What are you doing here?"

"I forgot my wallet and had to come back. I thought something happened when I heard you scream."

"Thank you, but as you can see, I'm fine."

"You really are."

He doesn't move, his eyes not leaving my body.

"You want to take a picture?"

"I'd rather join."

"Harvey!" When has he even been this brazen with me? "Out now!"

I turn my head back towards the wall and wait for the sound of my bedroom door closing.

When I know that he's gone, I feel tears filling my eyes. This is not how I saw our first morning together going. My dream reminded me of my unresolved feelings and Harvey so openly flirting with me just confuses me even more. I want it. I want it so bad, but I just don't know how we can make it work. I might have a hard time reading him now, but I've known Harvey long enough to see that he himself doesn't know what he wants. His heart beats for Lizzie and he makes me believe that it beats for me, too. His reactions towards me have not been consistent though. He says he loves me and then he yells at me only to go back to serious advances. We have been here before, years back when he first told me that he loved me. He says he's a changed man now, and I believe him, but I don't know if he can ever really forgive me and neither does he.

I have come too far to be caught up in Harvey Specter's net of ambiguity again. We need this talk and we need it now.

~oOo~

Of course, the talk didn't happen. Life with a newborn doesn't really leave much time for life-changing conversations and every time I do try to bring it up, Harvey shoots me down again. He isn't ready yet, hasn't made a decision and I don't want to rush him, but I'm also not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

The day keeps us busy with dirty diapers and tactical avoidance. In the afternoon, we take Lizzie on her first trip outside. Meeting up with Lily at the Botanical Gardens, we spend an hour in the sun by Salmon Bay and get some molten chocolate cakes before making our way back home.

Mike and Rachel arrive soon after and Lily and my best friend take over in the kitchen, leaving Mike, Harvey, Lizzie and me in the living room.

I thought that the guys had overcome their problems, but the tension in the room is palpable and I try to keep busy with Lizzie to avoid getting caught in their stare-off. Harvey scoots closer to me, his leg pressing against mine, as he starts to rub the soles of Lizzie's feet.

"She has grown so much already," Mike finally breaks the silence. "Can I hold her?"

"No," Harvey says the same time I reply with "Yes."

Mike who has already reached out for Lizzie, pulls his arms back.

"Harvey!" I give him an angry look. "Of course you can hold her, Mike." I narrow my eyes at Harvey again. "You are her godfather after all."

I get up from the couch and bring her over to the armchair Mike is sitting in.

"Don't listen to Grouchy Smurf over there," I whisper to my friend. "He's just a bit possessive of her."

"And of you, if I remember correctly."

"Times have changed, Mike."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

Sitting back next to Harvey, I feel how stiff he has become since I handed our daughter over. Putting my hand on his knee, I give it a squeeze.

"You can relax. He knows what he's doing."

"We don't even know what we are doing, and we are her parents. How should he know?"

"Just trust me, will you?"

Only when the words have left my mouth, do I realize what I just asked of him.

Harvey stays suspiciously quiet and removes my hand from his knee.

"Can I get you guys anything to drink?" he asks, getting up.

I decline and Mike asks for one of the beers he brought along.

Leaving for the kitchen, I catch Rachel's worried look.

She mouths "Is everything alright?" when Harvey has his back to her. I just nod and bite my lip in frustration. Who would have thought that one unintended sentence could ruin this evening even further? Now more than ever, I am thankful for Lily's presence tonight. I hope that Harvey will behave with her to keep an eye on him.

When he returns with the beer, Mike reaches for the bottle, but Harvey pulls it back immediately.

"Hand the baby over."

"Excuse me?"

"You are not drinking with my daughter in your arms."

Mike gives me a helpless look and I just shrug my shoulders.

"Can't help you there, kid."

"Baby or beer, your choice."

Mike looks between the bottle and the newborn.

"I'll stick with the baby for now, thank you."

He starts rocking her back and forth, fascinated with the way her fingers close around his.

It's obvious that Harvey didn't expect this answer. He kicks Mike's foot with his own in annoyance.

"You asked me to get you the beer, dipshit."

"Back then I didn't know Lizzie was considered high art and you can't drink or eat when in her proximity. Is this a 'look but don't touch' situation?"

"She's half Donna, half me, obviously she is of the highest art."

"The _Mona Lisa_ of babies?"

"The _Salvator Mundi_ of babies. Know your art, dude."

Harvey drops down on the couch again, closer to Mike now, handing over the beer after all.

"Sorry, da Vinci. Didn't want to devalue your masterpiece."

Harvey's face lights up and I hide a snicker behind my hand.

"She really is perfect, isn't she?"

"That's probably more Donna's influence than yours. I'm just glad she didn't inherit your ugly mug."

"You know that we basically look alike, right?"

"Is that what you are telling yourself every morning you look in the mirror? Cause that would explain your ego and unprecedented self-confidence."

Mike grins first at me and then at Rachel and Lily when they join us.

"Okay, that's enough," Harvey's mom stops their childish bickering. "You two set the table and hand me my grandchild." She takes a look at the beer bottle that Mike holds in his hand. "Who allowed you to drink alcohol when holding a Specter baby?"

Mike's jaw drops and he looks between Harvey and his mom in shock, pointing a finger at his old mentor.

Lily takes first the bottle and then the baby out of Mike's arm. Shooing both him and her son towards the kitchen, she winks at me.

"Once you have the 'mom voice' down, all men will be putty in your hands, just you wait."

"She doesn't need a 'mom voice' for that," Rachel starts explaining. "She's Donna. One look at her and men drop to their knees in awe."

"Stop it," I laugh at my friend. "It's been a long time since that happened. Tired, single mom isn't in high demand. And I don't need a man right now. All I need is a comfortable bed and a sturdy pillow."

"I know of a man not too far away who wouldn't mind taking you to bed and being your sturdy pillow."

My eyes go wide. How does Rachel know that Harvey slept in my bed last night?

My friend leans towards Lily and pretends to whisper to her. "Donna doesn't think it's true, but William, her next-door neighbor, has a huge crush on her."

I roll my eyes at Rachel.

"He does not have a crush on me. He just helped carry in my groceries when it got too difficult with my belly."

"He was practically hiding behind his curtains, waiting for you to come home."

"So my son's got some competition? That's great. It will get him off his high horse and finally make a move," Lily adds overjoyed.

"I wouldn't call him competition," Rachel replies. "He's more admirer turned stalker."

"Shhhh!" I shush her, slapping her arm. "Not too loud."

I throw a worried look towards Harvey, who luckily is still bickering with Mike. This time about the correct placement of the cutlery.

"What?" Rachel looks at me confused.

"If Harvey hears you talking about a stalker, he will pack Lizzie's and my bags and put us on the next flight to New York."

"Why would he?"

"You saw how he reacted when Mike wanted to hold his daughter. And that's his best friend. Any sign of potential danger and he will make us move. And I like my house, thank you very much."

Lily laughs and nods in agreement. "I can see that happening. But would it really be so bad? Moving back to New York?"

I can see the hopeful glimmer in her eyes.

"I love New York but I also love Seattle. It's my home now. It's where my friends are and where my daughter was born. But to be honest, I don't know what will happen. I guess, in the end, it's up to Harvey."

Rachel's eyes are filling with tears.

"You really think you could be leaving us again?"

I pull her into my arms and hug her tight.

"I don't know, Rach. I really don't know."

~oOo~

Dinner went by peacefully. Harvey, Lily, and Rachel mainly talked about Lizzie, while Mike and I exchanged thoughts on the cases he is currently working on.

I like being at home with Lizzie, but I still miss my job. After I left the East Coast, becoming the clinic's COO gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and I made that position my own, even more than I did in New York. Helping build the firm up from the get-go gave me a real sense of belonging and ownership. I finally understood why Harvey thinks of _Specter Litt_ as his 'baby'. While the people in it always were my family, I never could grasp his attachment to the firm as a whole. I get it now. Before our daughter was born, _Hope for the Future_ was my child and going on maternity leave felt like sending my kid off to college. You are there if they need you, but you can't control or witness their every move.

"You really need to come to the clinic soon. Olivia and Kaitlin are desperate for some baby cuddles," Mike says to me as we walk them to the door.

"I barely got to hold her tonight. I fear that handing her over to our assistants means I will never get her back again," I laugh.

"You picked them, so you are not allowed to complain. I think they consider you some kind of guru. The moment you left, they both felt lost and started moping."

"Guru? Mike, please. I'm a goddess to them."

I stand up straighter, putting my hands in my hips.

"Of course you are," Mike agrees, giving me a goodbye kiss on my cheek. "The Goddess of Hybris."

He quickly grabs Rachel's hand and pulls her out of the house.

"You take that back, Michael James Ross," I yell after him. "You don't want Andy to find out about that thing you did in his office, now do you?"

Mike points his fingers to his ears, pretending not to be able to hear me.

"We really taught him too well," I turn to Harvey who is sharing a grin with his mother.

"Seems like you already have the 'mom voice' down," Lily smirks.

She gives me a hug and makes her way down to her rental car.

Harvey and I stay on the porch for a while longer, waving goodbye to our guests.

"Mom voice?" he asks when I close the door behind us.

I walk back to the living room and start clearing the dishes from the dining table.

"Just something your mom joked about earlier."

"You mean, back when you were talking about your stalker neighbor?"

I drop the knife I am holding and it loudly clatters to the floor. I turn to him and reply with the same icy tone he just gave me.

"He is not a stalker."

"I'm not so sure I can trust your judgment on that."

Of course, we are back to the same old topic.

"You want to talk about not trusting me? Okay, let's go," I challenge him.

"I told you that I'm not ready yet. Why don't you want to understand that?"

"Because you give me mixed signals, Harvey. I don't know where I stand with you and it makes living together unnecessarily difficult."

Instead of a reply, I only get an angry look and without another word, he starts carrying the empty pots back into the kitchen.

We clean up side by side in silence. The air between us is tense, but with every minute that passes, it feels less hostile.

"Rachel was joking," I finally speak up again.

"What?" Harvey asks, slightly districted with trying to get the dishwasher to work. I shove him aside with my hips and press the correct button.

"Rachel was joking about William. He doesn't have a crush on me and he is most definitely not stalking me."

"How do you know?" He is leaning against the island now, his arms crossed before his chest.

"He is 75 years old and happily married. I just remind him of his daughter, a very lovely woman who lives down in California. He was never really able to be there for her pregnancies, so he tries to make up for it by helping me."

A look of guilt and relief crosses his face and he drops his arms.

"Oh."

"Yes, 'oh'. I know you don't trust me, Harvey, but I expect you to know that I would never willingly put our daughter at risk."

"I'm sorry."

I don't comment and finish wiping down the countertops.

~oOo~

In the nursery later that night, I bring up another topic that has been dominating my thoughts since this afternoon. Harvey is changing Lizzie diaper while I'm choosing a new pair of pajamas for her.

"You and Mike got along great today. I'm sure he's relieved to have your friendship back. It really burdened him when I asked him not to talk about me in the last few months."

"He doesn't."

I pull out a gray and white striped onesie and place it next to Harvey on the changing table.

"He doesn't what?"

"My friendship. He doesn't have my friendship."

"But you -," I am lost for words. "you acted like everything was alright again. I thought you have forgiven him."

"Exactly. I acted. You've got a degree in the profession, shouldn't you detect that difference?"

I ignore his combative comment and concentrate on the topic at hand.

"Why?"

"Rachel deserved a nice first visit with her goddaughter and my mom only has so little time left here. I know not to make it hard on them."

"And Mike doesn't deserve that kind of compassion?" Not to mention, me.

"I am not letting him back in," he suddenly blows up, startling the baby, who immediately starts crying.

I pick Lizzie up and carry her towards my room. Stopping in the doorway, I turn back around to Harvey.

"I think it's better if you are sleeping in your own room tonight."

~oOo~

It takes a while for Lizzie to calm down again, but once the crying stops, she falls asleep quickly. Unfortunately, sleep doesn't find me and an hour later, I am still lying wide awake, staring into the darkness.

Seeing Harvey with Mike before dinner, I hoped that he has forgiven our friend for his betrayal. And if he could forgive Mike, then maybe, just maybe, he could start trusting me again as well. I now realize that it was just a pipe dream. It seems that this time, we really did hurt him too deeply.

I turn on my side again, giving falling asleep one last try. Just as I feel myself drifting off, the mattress beside me dips. A warm body lies down next to me, his front pressed to my back.

"I'm sorry," he whispers into my hair.

"You keep saying that a lot in the last few days."

"I keep on being an asshole in the last few days."

"If you think I'm going to argue that statement, you can go back to your bed."

"I prefer to stay right here."

We don't say anything for a while, just lie close to each other, his hand on my hip.

It should feel weird, this intimate moment with him, misplaced and inappropriate. Yet, it doesn't. This is the reason I always held up hope for us. We could have been great together, I am certain. But insecurities, commitment issues and then mistakes shaped our path and possibly damaged us beyond repair. I just hope it's not too late for him and Mike to fix things at least.

"What you said earlier, about not letting Mike back in, what did you mean by that?"

Harvey doesn't reply for a while and I wonder if he has fallen asleep, but then I hear him exhale loudly.

"You know that I trusted him with my life before. Apart from you, he was the person closest to me. But then you left and he left and you both excluded me from your lives."

"We didn't do it to hurt you."

"And yet that is what happened. I can't give him the chance to do it again."

I wonder if he thinks the same about me, but I'm too scared to ask.

His hand that was previously just lying on my hip now starts softly stroking my side.

"Harvey?"

"Mhhh," he replies already half asleep.

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping." He pulls me ever closer.

"No, I mean with me. You're hot, then you're cold."

When he doesn't answer, I try to turn around, but he is holding me in place.

"Sleep now," he mumbles.

His breathing slows down and I realize he has drifted off. I'm glad that he can sleep, but for me, this will be another night spend wide awake.

~oOo~

Sleep must have found me after all because I wake up with Harvey draped over me. One of his legs is between mine and his head is resting on my chest.

It takes me a moment to realize what woke me up, but then I feel it. Harvey's morning wood pressing against my knee.

I swallow deeply as my throat goes dry.

"Harvey," I press out, "are you awake?"

"Mhhh, Donna. So good," he pulls me closer and the sounds he makes cause my breasts to start leaking.

"Harvey, no."

I shake him awake and scrambling out from under him. Out of bed, I pull at my top and hide the wet spots that formed, with my arms. An involuntary sob leaves my mouth.

Harvey quickly sits up and gives me a guilty look.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. You asked for time and I am trying to give it to you, but _this_… being this close to you physically but so distant emotionally..." Harvey just looks down at his hands with a pained expression. "If you can't see what you are doing to me, you are not the changed man I thought you were."

"I'm sorry, but-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses," I interrupt him. "I can't take it anymore, Harvey. I know I fucked up. Will I regret it for the rest of my life? I'm sure you will never let me forget, so most likely. But I'm trying so hard to move on from that, to make up for it." He leans back into the pillows and gives me an offended look. "Maybe you can go on like this, but I can't. I can't live in this uncertainty, in this limbo any longer."

"I don't know what to say, Donna."

"Nothing new there." I reach for an oversized sweater that I dropped on the ottoman last night. Pulling it over my head, I am thankful for the extra layer of protection. "You don't speak five words to me during the day and then at night, you climb into my bed. You say you love me and kiss me, and then you yell at me over the smallest things."

"I don't know what you from me?" Harvey gets up from the bed and runs a hand through his hair.

"I want to know what you want from me!" I almost yell at him. "Every day I wake up, I don't know which Harvey Specter I will get. The loving father who sees nothing but his daughter, the changed man who says he loves me or my former boss who resents me for the secret I kept from him."

"I could never resent you."

"That is what you take away from this?" I growl in frustration.

"I told you that I do not want to talk yet."

He starts pacing through the room, avoiding my gaze.

"I can't have you stay here any longer then."

He stops moving and finally looks at me.

"I'm not leaving Lizzie."

"I'm not asking you to leave her, but I can't be me with you here. You have until the end of the week to tell me what your plan for the future is. If you can't, you will have to go and figure it out somewhere else."

Not giving him a chance to reply, I lock myself into the bathroom, praying that he will be gone the next time I open the door again.

~oOo~

"I thought giving Harvey an ultimatum would make things easier on us, but it has gotten even worse. I don't know what to do anymore, Rachel."

Harvey and Lily left an hour ago to visit Pike Place Market and I used the time alone to call my best friend.

"So he still isn't talking about the future?"

"He isn't talking, period. Yesterday, he said one sentence to me and that was when he couldn't find the new pack of diapers."

"Donna, I am so sorry."

"I am just so angry."

"I totally understand that. The way he behaves around you is unacceptable."

"I'm not angry at him," I clarify.

"What do you mean?"

I get up from the armchair, make sure that Lizzie is still asleep in her crib and clip the baby monitor on the waistband of my yoga pants. Taking one step at a time, I slowly make my way upstairs.

"I am so angry at myself. What we had at the beginning of the week wasn't great, but it was better than this. I should have never pressured him into making a decision. I should have just lived with the uncertainty, it hurt no one."

"It hurt you. You couldn't have gone on like this and you know it. I know he is in shock and he deserves time to come to terms with things, but his behavior is appalling. Everyone back in New York said how much he's changed. I'm not so sure anymore it was for the better."

"I caught him on the phone to Dr. Lipschitz last night. Apparently, he is still sticking to his weekly sessions."

"They don't seem to help. I had such high hopes in this new therapist. He worked wonders on Louis after all."

I have reached the upper landing and am now standing outside the guest bedroom door.

"He is much more open with his feelings," I defend him.

"His _lower_ feelings." I can practically hear Rachel rolling her eyes. "It's Sunday now. You gave him until the end of the week to talk to you. I know you are not his secretary anymore, but it's time you schedule an appointment with the man."

"And what if I don't like what he has to say?"

I notice that the door to Harvey's room is left ajar and against my better judgment, I push it open.

"Then you can start to move on. He loves Lizzie and we know that he loves you. The only way to find out if that means something is to make him talk."

"If only it was that easy."

I look around the room, seeing that Harvey unpacked the boxes I have stashed in there. Panic takes over my body.

"It is that easy. Give him the day. If he still hasn't manned up by morning, call me. I will pick up Lizzie and you can sit him down for a talk. No more excuses, no more running away."

"Sounds like a plan," I agree distracted. My eyes fall on the pictures neatly stacked on the bedside table. "Rach, I'm sorry, but I have to go." Not waiting for a reply, I hang up.

I cautiously walk over to the bed, picking up the pile of photographs that Harvey must have placed there. This was the reason I didn't want him to stay in the room, to begin with. It couldn't have come as a surprise to him that I have these pictures of us, but they still feel like my dirty little secret.

Before I started to come to terms with my pregnancy, I regularly came into this room to reminisce and cry over what I've lost. I had hoped that stashing the memories away in boxes would help me forget about them. But how can you ever forget the love of your life? Even without us having a daughter, without him in Seattle, I know that I could have never suppressed my feelings for Harvey Specter. He engraved himself on my heart fifteen years ago and there is no way out for me.

Taking the pictures with me, I leave the room and close the door behind me. I will give Harvey until the morning and then I need to know once and for all if there is a chance for us or if I will have to live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.

~oOo~

Harvey seemed to be in a better mood when he returned from his afternoon with Lily. He even talked normally to me, sharing his excitement about the variety of deli meats and craft beers. If he wasn't so hell-bent on being angry at Mike, the two of them could have an amazing time exploring all of Seattle's food trucks together.

As expected, he didn't seek out a conversation with me, so after waking up, I give Rachel a call and she will come over to pick up Lizzie later. Harvey doesn't know it yet, but the next few hours will determine the rest of our lives. I am scared but equally relieved that I will finally have clarity.

Knowing that Rachel will possibly need to feed Lizzie in a couple of hours, I get the breast pump out of the bathroom. With a sterilized bottle in tow, I get comfortable in the nursery rocking chair. The first try is a mess and hurts more than I expected, but if I can get the hang of it, Harvey could feed Lizzie soon as well.

I take my time the rest of the morning, gathering strength for what is about to happen. When I know that Rachel is close, I start to get ready. One long and relaxing shower later, I make my way back downstairs.

Harvey is sitting in the rocker recliner with Lizzie cradled in his arms. The look he gives her is one of pure awe. I'm pretty sure it's about the same look that has been on my face since the moment she was born. He doesn't look up or acknowledge me, so I take the opportunity to just watch him with our daughter. Until I found out I was pregnant, I never really thought about Harvey as a father. I have never allowed myself to think of him that way. Now I will never be able to see him in a different light. There is no doubt about it, Harvey Specter was born to be a dad.

I walk over to Lizzie's play yard and pick up the diaper bag from the chair beside it. I make sure that everything that Rachel would need is in there before walking to the refrigerator and grabbing the milk bottle that I have expressed earlier. I put it in her bag and I get the stroller out of the hall closet, securing the car seat into it.

"Are we going somewhere?" Harvey looks at me surprised.

"We aren't, but Lizzie is."

"What?" He pulls Lizzie a bit closer to his chest.

"Rachel is coming over to pick her up. She's going to take her back to their house for a little while."

"Why?"

"Because we need to talk and I don't want to do it with Lizzie here." He just stares at me with a slight look of panic in his eyes. "We've put it off for days and it's time, Harvey. "

Before he can respond, there is a knock on the door and I leave him to let Rachel in.

Entering the living room before me, she turns back around and raises her eyebrows at me. She can feel the tension in the air.

"I'm not sure how long we will need, but I put a bottle in the diaper bag if she gets hungry," I explain to my friend. "Everything else you should need is in there as well. I will let you know when we're done but please call when you need help with her."

"No need to worry. We are going to have some Auntie Rach and Lizzie time and it will be awesome."

I walked over to Harvey who by now has stood up and I watch as he kisses his daughter on the cheek.

"I love you and I will see you soon."

I thought he would hand her over to Rachel, but nothing happens. I know he doesn't want to let her go, know he doesn't want to be away from her and neither do I. But I also can't take this tension anymore.

It takes a moment, but he gently hands her to me and I walk back over to the stroller and kissed her goodbye.

"Mommy loves you so much, baby girl. You are going to have so much fun with Auntie Rachel. Daddy and I will see you real soon, okay?"

I kiss her on her cheek again just as she lets out the most adorable yawn. I giggle and finally place her into the car seat.

Rachel and I head for the door and I help her get the stroller down the steps onto the driveway. Rachel takes one hand off the stroller and turns to pull me into a hug.

"It's going to be okay, Donna. I promise. No matter what happens, you have a beautiful, precious, baby girl and great friends that are here to support you. Harvey is in this. He loves her and he loves you. He's not going anywhere, you just have to figure out how you are going to do this."

"I know he loves her. I even know that he loves me. I just don't know what that means for us. Not as a family, but for the two of us."

"The two of you have never been known for your ability to communicate with each other regarding your feelings. You have such a special connection on so many different levels. It's unlike anything I have ever seen. But discussing and expressing your true feelings to each other has never been your strong suit. I think the most important thing is, to be honest with each other. And try to be patient with him."

I watch Rachel push the stroller down the driveway and onto the sidewalk to head to their house just at the other end of the road. I take a deep breath to calm myself and walk back up the steps. When I look up, Harvey is standing in the doorway, seeming nervous and almost scared. His eyes are sad and just slightly watery.

"She'll be fine, Harvey," I say as I walk back into the house.

"Do we really have to do this?"

I go to the refrigerator, pull out two bottles of water and hand Harvey one on the way to the living room.

I take a seat in the rocking chair and Harvey sits down at the end of the couch closest to me.

"When you first got here you said that we weren't going to focus on the past until after Lizzie was born. She's here now, we're home, and it's time to talk."

"I thought we had talked about it. I told you that Paula and I broke up and that I regret how I treated you. I told you that I love you and that you and Lizzie are my everything."

"We breezed through it, Harvey, but the thing is that the last nine months have probably been the longest and hardest of my life. I know you talked to Rachel and that she shared a lot with you, but there's so much that she can't tell you. Things that she doesn't know. Things that make it hard for me to just forgive and forget. And I know damn well that you can't just forgive and forget the things I've done either. We need to talk this out because if we don't, it's not going to go away, and I am afraid that it will blow up in our faces later."

He resigns to his fate and while he doesn't look happy about it, he seems to be open to a conversation now. Leaning back into the cushions, he waits for me to start.

"Okay, you want to talk? Let's talk."


	15. Chapter 14

A/N Well we are finally back with a new chapter. We apologize for the delay but once again real life got in the way. Thank you to Aimee and Dana for your help and to Stefanie for being AMAZING AS ALWAYS! Suits may be over but Darvey will always be around. Hope you all enjoy the chapter.

Apparently I am psychic because I wrote a line in this chapter where Harvey refers to Donna as a compass weeks ago before he ever said it on the show. Guess she must everyones guide.

**Chapter 14 **

**Harvey's POV**

We sit in silence for a long time and while I know it's not fair, I am getting frustrated by the lack of actual conversation.

"Donna, you were the one who insisted we needed to talk. Why are we just -"

"What are we even doing?"

It was timid, but I heard her.

"What?" I ask, more out of surprise than for clarification.

"I know you want to be close to Lizzie, but is she the only reason you are here?"

She sounds confident again, like her usual self.

"What does that have to do with -"

"It has everything to do with this. It's a simple question and I need to know where we stand before I can begin."

I can see in her eyes how important my answer is to her, so I give in and reply.

"I told you that I love you."

"But you don't trust me."

It isn't a question but a statement and yet I know she expects an answer.

"I am having a hard time trusting your judgment at the moment, that's true. You never used to keep things from me. I certainly never dreamed that you'd keep something like this from me."

"We have kept things from each other for a very long time now, Harvey. I will never be able to turn back the clock and tell you about Lizzie from the start. I still hope you have it in you to forgive me. I want to know if we can go back to being the people we were before."

I let out a dry laugh.

"If that's what you want to find out with this talk, we can keep it brief. No, we will never go back to that."

My mind drifts to the last few years of my life. The heartache they brought. Our fights and uncertainties. Distance, emotionally and physically. The man that I was before she left. No, I never want to go back to that.

Donna's face falls, but she catches herself quickly.

"Listen," I continue, "we have always been a great team, that will never change, but our status quo shifted a long time before you resigned."

I know she must be pondering between the day she went to work for Louis and the time she became COO, but I don't specify my statement.

She looks me in the eye and sits up straighter.

"Do you even know why I went to work for Louis? I mean, you may think you know, but do you really understand?"

Her questions bring up pain that I had spent many years trying to bury and I'm suddenly tasting bile rising in my throat. Before I manage an answer, she continues.

~oOo~

**Donna' POV**

_The door falls shut behind him and I can't move._

_"You know I love you, Donna." _

_His words replay in my mind, on constant repeat._

_What just happened? How did we go from him apologizing and comforting me, from him assuring and loving me, to this? Leaving me standing here like I am nothing to him. I know Harvey to be many things: self-assured, cocky and a blowhard to people who don't know the real him. But I never knew him to be a coward._

_Two days later, I willingly walked away from Harvey Specter, leaving my heart with him. Little did I know it wouldn't be the last time_.

"I knew then that I was in love with you. That night in my apartment, I let those walls, walls I had worked so carefully to construct for 12 years, come down. I let myself believe for just a moment, that you loved me back. Loved me the way I loved you."

"Donna -"

"When you walked out, a part of me broke, Harvey. A part of me I'm afraid may never truly heal. I had to separate myself from you. There was an open wound that I knew would never close if I stayed working at your desk. I'm not sure you can understand the pain I was in. It didn't seem like it even affected you."

I look down and he takes it as his opportunity to respond.

"It did affect me, the absolute same way it affected you. I thought about turning back around so many times. I wanted to stay that night. Wanted to kiss you, take you to your bedroom and show you exactly how I loved you. Wanted to hear you say it back, but I wasn't at a place where I couldgive you what you needed. I wasn't whole, and I would have only taken you down with me. I loved you too much to do that to you. I just never thought you would give up on me before I was ready."

I don't know what to say and can't even look at him.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

"Donna, I know all about pain. When you told me you were leaving me for Louis. Watching you walk down the hall that night…," I stop and take a deep breath. Not sure I'm strong enough to go on.

"Watching you walk away was the most painful thing I had ever felt. More so than losing my dad. Because at least I knew that wasn't my fault."

I see my confession catches Donna off guard. She moves her hand slightly and for a moment I think she is going to reach out to me, but she doesn't.

"And yet -," she says while shaking her head and looking back at me, "yet, you let me go. Not just once. But twice."

I can see the tears in her eyes and my heart breaks all over again.

"I couldn't stay in New York, Harvey. It was as if everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me, but just out of reach. That night in my office, I felt it. Just a glimpse of what we could be. I touched you." A single tear slides down her cheek and she pauses. "I tasted you."

She closes her eyes and we both sit in silence for what must be several minutes.

"Why do you think I started going to therapy back then? When you went to work for Louis?" I ask softly, figuring I may as well confess all my secrets if we stand any chance of surviving this.

"Because you were hurting. Because you knew you needed help to sort through all the issues you had with your mom. Maybe partly because you had grown used to leaning on me and you felt you couldn't do that anymore."

"Those things are all true. They definitely contributed to my issues, but none of those would have driven me to get help." I think about getting up and moving next to her on the couch but decide against it.

"Panic attacks." There. I said it.

Donna looks at me with concern and confusion in her eyes.

"Shortly after you left my desk," I go on, "I started having panic attacks. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. It was as though my entire world was closing in around me and trying to swallow me whole. I tried to ignore it, of course. Thought I was just being weak and it was something I could push through. They got so bad I couldn't function at work, and I went to a Psychiatrist to get pills to make them stop."

"Paula," Donna whispers.

"Paula," I confirm. "It took me a very long time to understand why I had those attacks. I mean, it was obvious that it had to do with you leaving. But it was so much more than that, Donna. In fact," I'm surprising myself with how honest I'm being, "the attacks came back when you left the firm and moved to Seattle."

I can see the surprise on her face immediately, but there is something else there too. Something I can't quite place.

"I thought you found a way to keep them under control."

What? She knew about them?

"How did you -? Why did you -? Why did you never say anything?"

"Louis let it slip. Or more like, his dictaphone did. He recorded your conversation about it. They never seemed to happen when I was back at your desk, so I thought that the therapy sessions helped."

"They stopped exactly for that reason, because you came back. When you left again, I was so lost. I hated myself for what I had done to you. I hated myself for what I had done to Paula. I was slipping into a deep hole I wasn't sure I'd ever find my way out of. That's when I started seeing Dr. Lipschitz. He saved me. With his mysterious Jedi mind tricks, he helped me to remember what I had known from the very beginning: I couldn't be me, without you."

_I had worked late every night this week on a huge case and this evening we had finally come to an agreement. My client had come out on top. Not that I expected anything less. I could have gone home over an hour ago, but I just couldn't leave the office. Something was keeping me here, but I couldn't figure out what. I went to pour myself another drink and at that moment I realized exactly why I'd been unable to make myself leave. I take my glass of Scotch, leave my desk and make my way around the corner to the office next door. I enter the dark room and take a seat. It looks exactly the same as it had for the last five months. But nothing like it did half a year ago. Six months ago it was light and full of life and laughter. Her knick-knacks are gone but everything else is untouched. Gretchen had taken on a lot of her duties, but they hadn't officially hired another COO. She could never be replaced and I simply didn't have the heart to anyway. I honestly had no reason to believe that she would come back. Everyone always leaves me. She left before and I have to come to terms with the fact that this will have been the last time. If not for Mike getting arrested she might never have come back that first time either. But there was still this small part of me hoping that one day she would just show up one day. The firm needed her, I needed her. We always would. She was our anchor, our compass. She always had been. Leading them all exactly where they needed to go. She had been my port in the storm for years. Probably since the day we met and I don't want to believe that our story is over yet._

I try giving her a soft smile.

Donna wipes away another tear and looks away.

"But, you stayed with Paula anyway. Why?"

"That is complicated. Part of it was out of guilt. Part of it was fear. I believed, I knew, you deserved better. The longer I was in therapy, the stronger I started to feel. Stan helped me learn to forgive myself. I tried to talk to you, Donna. I came out to Seattle twice, but you wouldn't let me get close. I knew I had hurt you. But I was hurting too. I wanted more than anything to tell you how sorry I was."

I stop and wait for her to look up at me. To ask the one question I really need an answer to.

"Why didn't you tell me, Donna? Why didn't you have faith in me to make things right?"

My voice cracks slightly and a tear escapes before I have a chance to blink it away.

"I remember the day I found out I was pregnant," Donna says looking off to nowhere in particular.

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

_Every day is a repeat of the previous one. I go to work, force a smile, keep the anxiety down and the bile from rising up my throat, stay as long as necessary and then come home to my empty house. In the early days of the clinic, I was mainly setting up offices and hiring staff so there was no need to stay late. Once at home, I would crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. Every single night. _

_We have now been in the city for a few weeks and the clinic is already making a name for itself. We are seeing clients and apart from one incident, I was able to hold it together in the office. While my nights are spent in tears, at work I am trying to be nothing but my old self. Strong. Confident. Whole. _

_This morning was particularly taxing. I didn't sleep well the night before, nausea and dizziness keeping me awake and I couldn't keep the one cup of coffee down that I had made for myself. Making my way to Rachel's office to have her sign an engagement letter, I run into a young woman and her baby. The woman is clearly in distress, the young child crying but calming down when I step closer. Dark brown eyes, swimming in tears, look up at me and my chest tightens. If Harvey would have ever had a child, it would have had these exact eyes. The grief that overcomes me makes my breathing stop. I quickly guide the woman to Rachel's office and lock myself in one of the bathroom stalls, the tears coming faster than I can wipe them away. _

_It takes me a while to calm down again and I hide away in my office for the rest of the day. It's close to home time when Mike finds me, asking me questions about the upcoming gala. I open my calendar, but before I have a chance to flip to the next month I catch sight of the date circled in red. I have been feeling exhausted for weeks and blamed it on the stress of moving and the heartache of losing Harvey but I don't need a test to confirm what I know in my heart. I just couldn't, wouldn't accept it. I couldn't be. It would change everything forever._

"Like I said, Harvey. I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to jeopardize what you had with Paula."

"That can't be it. You had no problem kissing me while I was with her. You didn't think that would cause any problems?"

"I wasn't thinking about Paula when I kissed you."

"Well, why did you kiss me then? It's what got us here, so I'm sure you have an explanation."

"I needed answers. I know it wasn't right, but it brought us Lizzie and if I could go back, I would do it again."

He narrows his eyes at me.

"So, you're not even sorry?"

"I didn't want to put you in the position I did, but I needed to know if it was all just in my head or not. So, no. I do not regret it. And while the kiss was my decision, everything that happened after was mutually agreed upon."

A look of guilt crosses his face but he hides it quickly.

"I kissed you because I wanted more, but I couldn't tell you that outright because it would have driven you away. Like it did with every other woman who took that chance with you."

"If you mean Zoe or Scottie -"

"You let them leave. Just like you let me leave."

"Back then, you told me it wasn't about you."

"You knew damn well it was about me or you wouldn't have asked," I fire back a little louder than I intended to. "I'm sorry," I mumble before taking a deep breath. "I didn't tell you, Harvey, because I knew that you'd do the right thing. I knew you would want to be in your child's life and that you try to take care of me in any way you could."

He sits back in his chair exasperated, letting out a loud puff of air.

"I'm confused, Donna. You knew I'd do the right thing? That's why you didn't tell me?" Now he's the one raising his voice.

"I didn't want to make you do that to Paula. I didn't want to be the reason you lost a future with someone you loved. And also, I didn't want to do that to myself. I loved you far too deeply to live a life where you were with me out of obligation. Out of duty. I just couldn't bear it. I still can't!" I barely croak out the last part through a flurry of tears that I am no longer trying to hold back. "I'm so sorry, Harvey."

I see my words slowly sink in and his gaze softens. I am not sure if he will ever truly understand why I didn't tell him about Lizzie, all I can do is explain where my actions came from.

"Donna… How could you ever think that?"

"You never gave me a reason to think otherwise. We were co-workers and when I resigned, there was nothing left for us. You made it clear a long time ago that you wanted nothing more from me than a work relationship."

"You can't hold something I said 14 years ago against me. You knew I wanted you back then, but you had your rule."

"You wanting to have sex with me, doesn't mean you wanted to be with me."

"We had more than that and you should have known."

"Stop doing that. Stop saying I knew what you felt and thought."

"But you did. You're Donna."

"You didn't even know yourself, Harvey and I wasn't letting my thoughts go there."

"You saw how I was with you. You were never just my secretary."

_Obviously you don't just look at me this way. You're capable of looking at me that way. But you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're too afraid to risk anything!_

"And yet we were nothing more. Yes, I had my rule, but I also dated Stephen, so you knew I was willing to reconsider. We were young and you had a reputation at the DAs office. I wanted you. I wanted you so bad but you came asking me to come to your desk, knowing how I felt about dating someone at work. What was I supposed to think?"

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Why didn't you tell me? You had so many opportunities to tell me, to fight for me and you never did. You never gave me a reason to believe that would ever change."

_All I can do is watch his walk away while my heart breaks into a million pieces. I could see it in his eyes. He regretted what we had done. The anger and resentment he felt towards me was palpable. I followed him with my eyes until I couldn't see you anymore and then I collapse to the floor. I don't really know how long I just sit here sobbing, but the next thing I notice is Louis kneeling in front of me. _

_"__Donna? Donna? What happened?"_

_I don't know how to find the words. _

_"__I made a huge mistake." _

_Louis sits himself down on the floor next to me. _

_"__Donna it can't be that bad," he takes my hand in his. _

_"__You don't understand, I kissed him and then we -," I can't even finish the sentence. _

_"__You kissed who?"_

_I just give him a look. _

_"__Harvey? You kissed Harvey? When? Where?"_

_"__I made him the one thing he never wanted to be and now he hates me."_

_Louis pulls me into his side. _

_"__Donna, it was just a kiss. And it's Harvey. That man could never be angry at you." _

_"__You didn't see him just now."_

_"__I actually did see him. I ran into him at the elevator. Sure, he seemed a bit shaken about the Jessica thing, but he specifically asked me to go and talk to you. You will always be the first thought on his mind." _

_"__He's got Paula now. I should have never -" _

_"__Donna, no other woman could ever take your place in his life. And a simple kiss has never hurt anyone. He will get over it. It's not like you made him cheat." _

~oOo~

_**Harvey's POV**_

"I didn't fight for you? I showed up at your door twice to get you back when Jessica fired you."

"Once, not twice. The first time you showed up was only to ask me to help you out. You had let every woman in your life go. I never expected you to treat me differently. You hadn't up to that point."

Donna has given me her ultimate truth. Now it was my turn.

"I would have chosen you. It has always been you, Donna."

"How can you say that, Harvey? You had the choice without knowing about my pregnancy and you made your decision. You were happy with her and as my final act as your friend, I made sure that you could have the life you wanted."

"I wanted you."

"No, Harvey. You wanted to fuck me."

"That's not true."

"Well, that's exactly how you made me feel. You fed me this _'Donna, you can't leave me'_bullshit for years and every time I came back against my better judgment, only to be broken by your inability to communicate again and again. My heart couldn't take it anymore."

Tears build up in her eyes again.

"Donna -"

"No, it's okay," she wipes the tears that escaped her eyes away. "You can't help who you love. For the longest time, I thought I was what you needed, but in the end, she was the better woman for you."

"She was a cheap substitute."

"Harvey," Donna exclaims in shock.

"It might be harsh, but it's true. In the beginning, she reminded me so much of you. She was insightful, could look right through me. I didn't need to say anything, she just got me. It took me a long time to understand that she didn't really get me. I mean, she tried to make me think that imagining you naked in my bed means I have mommy issues, for fuck's sake."

Her head shoots up and her jaw drops but I don't give her a chance to comment.

"She wanted to make me the kind of man she thought I should be. She never made me feel the way you make me feel. I thought I needed you for work because you made me a better lawyer. Now I see that I needed you for everything, that you made me a better man. But it was never enough."

"Enough for what?"

Her eyes soften as I take her hand in mine.

"Enough for you. I was better, but I was never good enough for you." I take a deep breath.

"Harvey, you have always been a good man, the best I know. You were perfect the way you were."

"I would have messed it up. Hurt you. It wouldn't have been fair to you."

"Like I messed up now? Hurt you? Harvey, we can't always get it right. We are human, we make mistakes. The question is, are we willing to take that risk to begin with, knowing it could go wrong, for that one small chance at happiness?"

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

_"__I want you to be there for me now like I have been there for you every single day." I lie awake the rest of the night. Waiting for that knock on my door. The vibrating of my cell phone. Waiting for something. But nothing comes. I took a chance when I kissed him and then again when I left him my resignation earlier tonight, and he wouldn't even say goodbye. This is the second time I walked away from him and he is making sure it is the last. I risked everything and she came out on top. She won. He is hers now. I have to give it to her, she managed to do what I never could: making him fall in love._

Harvey visibly swallows and I see the guilt in his eyes.

"We hurt each other a lot in the past and sometimes I feel like I gave you all of me while getting nothing back. I feel like I risked my heart one too many times."

Harvey grips my hand tighter.

"_'__All I do is give and all you do is take.'_I never wanted you to feel that way."

I know he means it, but his words can't fix the pain inside of me.

"I wanted to ask you for the longest time, your song choices, the night of the gala, what inspired them?" he asks.

"You want to know if they were about you?"

"I don't want to assume, but like you just said, they fit us perfectly."

"Mostly, they were about me. About how I felt and the choices I made. You were the largest part of my life for the past decade, so of course, they were influenced by you."

"I know I shouldn't have asked you to come to work at my desk, but do you really regret taking me up on the offer?"

"Harvey, the only thing I regret about my life in New York is the fact that we were never able to truly be honest with each other. Did I give more than I received? Maybe. Was it your fault? Absolutely not. It was a decision I made. I stayed by your side for all these years because of the man you are. You gave me purpose and you made me happy. In the end, our friendship and work relationship just weren't enough for me."

"I'm sorry."

"There is nothing you have to be sorry for."

"When I came back to New York, I knew I had to do something with myself. I was already in therapy with Lipschitz by that point but I was finally able to admit what really got me there. If the person closest to me, the woman I considered my equal felt this way about me, I was even more damaged than I thought I was."

"Harvey, no." I lean forwards, grabbing his other hand in mine. "You are not damaged. I would not have stayed by your side for so long if you were anything but a good man. It was not my intention to make you doubt yourself in any way. If anything, it was a reminder to not put other people first and not lose myself trying to make everyone else happy."

_I flush the toilet and fall back against the bathtub, silent tears turning into sobs. How could I have let it come to this? Every day without him makes me miss him more and every day I don't tell him, it gets harder to come out with the truth. I just can't. Can't tell him and put this pressure on him. I already made him deceive Paula once, I can't destroy them even further. I don't even know if he wants children. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Harvey Specter, but we never talked about it and this one is a mystery even to me. He would do the right thing, that much I know. For 14 years, I always had to make decisions for him, guide him, tell him what is right and what is wrong, protect him from himself. I can't make this decision for him and I fear the one he would make himself. If I tell him about this and he doesn't fight for us, I don't think I would make it. I will have to make my baby a priority and that means looking after myself first. _

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

I finally get up from my chair and sit down next to Donna on the couch. She's right next to me but she still seems too far away.

"Donna," I say softly, "the choices we made might have not been the right ones but they brought us here." I squeeze her hand lightly and wait for her to look up at me. "You asked me what we are doing and why I am here. Donna, I am here for you. I didn't come here for our daughter. I didn't even know about her until after I arrived. I came for you, I wanted to come long before Mike's phone call, and I stayed for you. I love you. I am in love with you. And I think, I hope, that you love me too."

"Oh, Harvey." Tears stream down both her cheeks. "Yes, yes, I do."

She lays her head on my chest, and I wrap her tightly in my arms. It feels like a vice that has been gripping my heart for months, years really, finally releases its hold. I can finally breathe and ask her the one thing still on my mind.

"All I need to know now is, can you forgive me?"

Way too soon Donna pulls away from me and wipes away her tears frantically.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I ask in a tone that sounds foreign to my own ears.

"Harvey," she says. "I have forgiven you, without a doubt. But… How can I ask for your forgiveness, when I can't even forgive myself."

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

"How can you ask for my forgiveness, when there is nothing to forgive."

"Harvey, I know you want to spare my feelings, but what I did to you can't be easily forgotten."

"I didn't say anything about forgetting, I'm talking about forgiving. And I have forgiven you."

"Then I need you to do one more thing for me."

"Anything."

I stay quiet for a beat or two.

"I need you to forgive Mike."

Harvey immediately stiffens and sits upright.

"Anything, but that!"

"If you knew what the pregnancy was like for me, you wouldn't be like this."

"Then tell me. Make me understand."

_Rachel is pressed against my side and Mike is sitting in the armchair opposite. They wanted to meet at their place but I needed the comfort of my own home to be able to do this. Mike is looking at me in anticipation, not knowing why I wanted to have this talk, only knowing it was urgent. _

_"__I slept with Harvey." There, I said it. The truth is out. _

_"__What? When?" The look on his face is none I have ever seen before. _

_"__Shortly before I resigned. You gave me this whole speech about telling him how I felt and one thing lead to another." _

_"__But he's with Paula. Donna -"_

_"__Don't you think I don't know that?" I interrupt him. It comes out harsher than intended. "But in that moment it didn't matter. Nothing mattered."_

_"__If you told him how you felt and you did that, why are you here and not back in New York?" _

_"__You just said yourself that he's with Paula. How do you think he took it? We haven't had a civilized conversation since that night. Plus, I didn't really tell him how I felt. I kissed him, he kissed me back and it just happened. He walked out and a few days later he asked me to resign. He chose her and I was just someone he couldn't wait to get rid of."_

_"__Donna, this is Harvey we are talking about. The man can't function without you. I'm sure if you go back right now, he will drop to his knees in relief. It's just his pride keeping him from reaching out. Don't throw 14 years away just like that. Don't avoid him, make him talk. You were always the only person who could make him do things he didn't want to do. What you had is worth saving, Paula or no Paula."_

_"__I can't watch him be with her, but I also can't make him choose me for all the wrong reasons."_

_"__He might not realize it yet, but he loves you. Any reason you give him would be the right one. He just needs to know his feelings are reciprocated." _

_"__How can he not know?" Rachel barges in. "She couldn't have been any clearer about her feelings and he still just walked out and treated her like she was nothing. Donna spent over a decade by his side and he just throws her aside for his psychotic therapist? I knew he was an idiot, I just didn't know he could be this easily manipulated as well. Always expecting loyalty and then not handing it out himself." _

_"__Rachel," I try to calm my best friend down. "He had to make the best decision for his life, just like I had to for mine. He is entitled to choose her if she makes him happy. All I want is for him to be happy." _

_Mike moves over to the couch Rachel and I are sitting on and I am now sandwiched in between my two best friends. My rocks through this all. _

_"__Donna, you've seen him at the gala. Did it look like he was happy? I'm certain he misses you," Mike says._

_"__If he really misses her, he would do more to seek her out," Rachel argues with her husband. "He was only ever good at running away. And if he knew the truth, he would just run away again. You are better off doing this by yourself, Donna. You have us. That's all the support you need."_

_Mike's gaze shifts from his wife to me and back again. _

_"__The truth?" he repeats her words. "Doing what by yourself? Support? What's going on here?"_

_Rachel and I share a look. I really wish I would not have to say the words, but it's also my story to tell. I will have to own up to my actions. _

_"__Mike, I'm pregnant."_

_I think he has never been this glad to be sitting down already. _

_"__You are what?"_

_"__I'm pregnant."_

_"__And Harvey is -"_

_"__\- the father." I finish for him. _

_Mike's eyes are as big as saucers and I give him a moment to come to terms with the news. _

_"__It can't come as that big of a surprise," Rachel addresses her husband. _

_"__I knew something was going on with you," Mike looks at me again, "but I thought you just had a rough time after seeing him again. You must be what now? Three months?"_

_"__Almost four," I correct him. _

_"__Why didn't you say anything sooner?"_

_"__Sometimes I wish I didn't need to say anything at all. But I won't be able to hide it much longer and you deserve to know the whole story."_

_"__I know this is not how you would have planned it, but are you happy?"_

_"__Happy?" Rachel interrupts him. "She spent the last 12 weeks puking her guts out. First from a broken heart and then from 'the reminder' growing in her belly. Happy is the last thing she is." _

_"__That's not really true, Rachel," I correct my friend. "It came as a shock and there were moments I wished that night in my office had never happened but I can't take it back and honestly, I don't want to. I might not like the reminder of how this baby was conceived and what followed after, but how could I not love this child? It's the one good thing Harvey has left me with."_

_"__There is no way Harvey would still be in New York if you told him about this."_

_"__He doesn't know."_

_"__You have to tell him." There is no arguing with him. _

_"__He will make the wrong decision."_

_"__Donna, he will think you left because you found out you were pregnant. The longer you keep it a secret, the bigger his wrath will be."_

_"__I am protecting him the best way I know how."_

_"__This is not about protecting him, this is about protecting yourself."_

_His words hit me hard. I know that he's right and my chest tightens thinking about my reasons._

_"__I don't know what else to do. He chose her over me once, I can't let him do it a second time." _

_"__How could he ever choose her, when you are the one giving him a family?"_

_"__I know he will want this baby and he will love it like nothing ever before."_

_"__Like he never loved you," Mike finishes my thought. _

_"__This baby deserves all the love Harvey has to give, but one day, he will resent me for forcing him to be part of a family that he wouldn't have chosen for himself. I am not going to trap him like that. What kind of upbringing will the baby have when its father and I can't even stand to be in the same room. That is no life for a child. Harvey's lived it and I lived it and I don't want it to continue like that."_

_Tears are streaming down my cheeks. _

_"__Yes, Harvey will pick you and the baby, but not out of guilt or obligation. He will stay with you out of love and I can't believe you don't see that." _

_Multiple sobs leave my body and I have trouble breathing. Mike only gets more infuriated. _

_"__You might be okay keeping this from Harvey, but I'm not. So either you tell him or I will."_

_"__Mike, you can't -," the words get stuck in my mouth and I don't think I have enough oxygen left in me to continue for much longer. I can't see through my tears and my head is spinning. "Promise me that you won't tell him."_

_I close my eyes and feel myself falling to the side. _

_"__Rachel, call 911," are the last words I hear before everything gets dark. _

"What happened?"

This might have been the most worried I have ever seen Harvey look.

"To put it simple, I had been overworking myself. As if all the changes of moving and opening up the clinic wasn't enough, the morning sickness didn't allow me to keep anything down. On some days not even water or tea stayed in and on top of all that, I was stressing myself out even more, trying to figure out what to do about the baby. When to tell you? Whether to tell you? How was I going to handle being a single mom. I had spread myself too thin. When we got to the hospital I was diagnosed with dehydration and low blood pressure. They gave me fluids and monitored me for several hours and once my levels were back to normal they released me with doctor's orders to take a few days off, drink plenty of liquids, and follow up with my Ob/GYN within a few days. After following up with her, I was ordered to avoid stress as much as possible. I had to stop focusing on you. I had to focus on our baby. I had to take care of myself.

This time Harvey is the one scooting away from me.

"And you think this makes him not telling me any better? You needed me even more than I thought you did."

"To hell with your bro-code. Don't make him pay for my mistakes."

"This isn't just about loyalty anymore, it's about you needing me and him lying about it."

"We kept the same information from you, why can you forgive only one of us?"

"If there is one thing I know about you, it's that you would never willingly deceive me. Everything you have ever done was to protect me. Most of the time to protect me from myself."

"So did Mike. And it has always been my job. This is personal."

"No. It has never been your job. You have done it since the moment we met and I while I know part of it was out of friendship, but there was always another component to it as well."

"What do you mean?"

"Without you, I would have never forgiven my mother," he ignores my defense of our friend. "I have learned that the only thing standing between me and a truly happy life, is my reluctance to let the past stay in the past. I've lost so much time. With my mom, with Lizzie, with you - I don't want to lose even more. I don't know where we will go from here, but I do know that I don't want our past to stand in the way of our future."

Our future as what? Parents? Friends? Two-time lovers? I'm too scared to ask him. He told me that he loves me but that doesn't have to mean anything.

"I know you have a job here and a house," he continues, "but with Lizzie, I thought you might like to be closer to our parents again."

I thought our talk was going so well and now this.

"You mean that you want Lizzie to be closer to you."

"Of course I do. She is my daughter and our life is on the East Coast."

"My life is here."

"Donna, it's only been nine months. New York is our home."

"This is my home now. My work and my friends are in Seattle. My daughter was born here."

"So what? You are not even considering coming back?"

"I didn't say that."

"I've worked for years to get to where I am now. It's my firm! I can't just up and leave, Donna."

"I never asked you to. But you have to understand that this isn't easy for me either. I've finally found a place where I am not known as Harvey Specter's secretary who slept her way to a bigger paycheck."

"You know that's not true."

"I know that. And I know that everyone whose opinion counts knows that as well. But back then people made these accusations without proof. Now they will only have to take one look at Lizzie and they have their story."

"Who gives a fuck about other people?"

"I do. I will not have our daughter grow up with these rumors being whispered in her ear."

"If you are not coming back and I can't leave, why did we have this talk at all? What does that mean for us?"

"It means that we have some decisions to make. If a future together, as a family, is truly what we want, what sacrifices are we willing to make for that to happen?"


	16. Chapter 15

A/N Thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter. You certainly were motivating. Thank you to Aimee as always. And once again, this would have never happened without my bestie and partner in crime Stefanie (COOPaulsen - Twitter, Andelin - FFnet). She deserves all the love and praise.

Happy two week anniversary to canon Darvey. This chapter is full of fluff. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Donna's POV**

"_If you are not coming back and I can't leave, why did we have this talk at all? What does that mean for us?"_

"_It means that we have some decisions to make. If a future together, as a family, is truly what we want, what sacrifices are we willing to make for that to happen?"_

I know that my reply does not sit well with Harvey when he stands up and starts pacing back and forth in the room. I wish I knew what else to tell him. As much as he wants me to make a decision right here and now, I just can't.

"For the past nine months, I thought I would do this alone. I made plans, I settled down. I love you Harvey and I want to share this with you every step of the way, but you have to see my side of things as well."

He stops and walks back over to the couch.

"I'm here now, you aren't doing this on your own anymore."

Kneeling down in front of me, Harvey takes my hands into his and tells me these three little words again. For the very first time, I can actually believe and revel in them.

"And I love you, too." He gets up to sit next to me again, never letting go of my hands. "You have given me everything I have ever dreamed of, so you can't fault me for now wanting it all. You, me, Lizzie and our old life in New York."

"Harvey, no matter where we end up, it would never be as it was before. We've got a child now. There won't be any more 15 hours days at the office, working on cases over takeout at 3 am or daytime drinking when you are stressed. I might never go back to full-time work and your life was never fit for a family. Everything's changed now."

"I know that."

"Do you really? You just said you wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Before us, before Lizzie."

"I know that kids change things, I'm not stupid. But I do make more money than you and New York is the superior city."

My eyes narrow and I jump up as fast as my post-labor body allows me to.

"I can't believe you just said that! You, Harvey Specter, are an idiot and I don't know why I ever let you inside my pants, to begin with."

I stomp off into the kitchen and pull the refrigerator door open. I have to let my annoyance with him out in some way and making sandwiches seems like a good idea. As long as he keeps his mouth shut and I don't need to use the knife on him. I don't even have a second to myself as he follows right after me. At least he knows to keep a safe distance, propping himself up on a stool at the breakfast bar.

"The way I remember it, you weren't wearing pants at all and your dress was made for easy access," he tries to lighten the mood.

I know it was meant as a joke, but the memory of that night is still too painful to rehash.

"Congratulations, Harvey. You always choose exactly the right time to say the absolute wrong thing. Good to know that at least you associate that night with happy thoughts."

"I'm sorry," he steps around the island and leans against the countertop next to me. "I didn't mean it like that. Any of it. I just… If you don't want to go back to work, I can provide better for us with my corporate income. How are we going to pay for all your zip-up dresses on a Seattle salary?"

I grab the baguette that Lily brought over yesterday and start hitting Harvey with it.

"Why" smack "are" smack "you" smack "such" smack "a" smack "caveman?"

Harvey starts laughing and takes the loaf of bread out of my hand.

"Careful Paulsen, you might hurt someone with that." He throws the baguette on the counter and pulls me into his arms. I push against his chest, trying to get away, but his grip around my body only tightens. "Can you honestly say that you never wore those outfits so I would imagine getting you out of them?"

He crooks his head and my anger evaporates.

"Maybe once or twice," I admit.

"Once or twice a day, you mean. Or was that just the amount of times I thought about it?" he asks himself before pulling my face forward, his lips finding mine.

It's hard to stay angry at him when he knows exactly how to soften me up. What I'm guessing he intended to be a simple peck, quickly turns into a deep kiss.

We've only been together twice and while we kissed both times, it never felt like this. There are still so many things left unsaid but the air around us feels clearer. For once, we are on the same page and I will enjoy every last minute of it. This kiss isn't a byproduct of passion and lust, it's intentional, pure love and a promise of things to come. It's invigorating and calming at the same time.

My hand moves to the back of his head and just as I open my mouth to invite him in, my phone starts buzzing on the coffee table.

I try to let go of Harvey, but he's not having it.

"Leave it," he mumbles against my lips.

"It could be about Lizzie."

Like they emptied a bucket of ice water over Harvey, he jumps away from me, dashing over to the table. My knees still feel a bit weak after the kiss, so I stay rooted in the kitchen. Before, I was worried he was only here for our daughter and the way he dropped everything for her actually had me jealous a time or two. She deserves his full attention though and I could never be disappointed in the way that Harvey took to parenthood. It's actually quite cute, the way he loves and worries about her. Yet, having the confirmation that he actually came here for me as well, fills my heart with endless joy.

I watch him pick up the phone and he throws me a worried look over his shoulder before answering it.

"Mike, what's wrong?"

Harvey comes back over to the kitchen and puts the call on speaker.

"Guys, I'm so sorry for interrupting and Rachel asked me to give you more time, but I think we have to bring Lizzie home. We have been trying for half an hour now and she just won't take her bottle."

I close my hand around Harvey's and bring the phone closer to me.

"Mike, can you put Rachel on, please?"

We hear him opening a door and suddenly our kitchen is filled with the sound of Lizzie's weeping. I can faintly make out Rachel's voice, her trying to coax our baby girl.

"What is this?" I hear her ask Mike through the phone.

"I've got Donna on the line," he replies.

"I told you not to call her! They need time to talk things through. Harvey is so stubborn, it will take him forever to admit that he's loved her since the first second he saw her."

I raise one eyebrow at Harvey and can barely contain the snicker that is trying to break through.

"Hey Rachel," I interrupt my friends' bickering, "just wanted to let you know that you're on speaker. Say hi, Harvey."

"Hi Harvey," the man himself says into the phone. I roll my eyes and look for the baguette so I can hit him again.

"Shit!" Rachel exclaims and Mike starts laughing.

Harvey pulls the phone away from me and turns the speaker off.

"No cursing in front of my girl" he reprimands my best friend. "Rachel, just bring her over. It was probably a bit too much to ask of you guys to work on her first bottle feeding." He listens for a few seconds and gives me a blinding smile. "Yes, we've talked it out and it didn't take me as long to admit that I'm madly in love with her as you might have expected. I'm an idiot, as Donna would say, but I'm an idiot who knows what he wants."

The phone doesn't need to be on speaker for me to hear Rachel squeal from glee. I can't hold my laughter any longer and have to hold on to Harvey to not double over.

"If you can't contain your excitement about my emotional maturity," Harvey continues the call, "I think it's better for Mike to bring the baby over."

Rachel says something that I can't hear and Harvey agrees to it before hanging up.

Pulling me into his side, he leans his head down to mine again.

"Where were we...?"

I move my head to the side, not wanting to get caught up in those lips of his again.

"I think that will have to wait for a bit now, Mister. Our daughter comes first."

"They're not here yet."

His lips find my neck now and he starts sucking on my pulse point.

"Harvey, no," I laugh. I take his face into my hands and give his lips a quick peck. "They have keys. I don't want them to find us like this."

He pecks my lips right back, but lets go of me.

"Find us like what? Happy and healthy and in love? I just told Rachel that I'm in love with you, there is no need to hide it. You do not want to hide it, do you?"

He looks worried now and I feel bad for making him doubt my previous words.

"No," I reassure him, "I don't want to hide it. It's just very sudden and unexpected and I need a minute to catch up." I take his hand and give it a tight squeeze. "Who would have known that the real Harvey Specter is a soft and cuddly teddy bear."

I press a finger into his stomach to drive the point home.

"There is nothing soft about this," he says and takes my hand in his. Pressing my whole hand against his abdomen, I have to agree.

"No, there really isn't. You clearly have been working out more." I move my fingers up and down his shirt and at one point get too low for Harvey's comfort because he grabs my hand and pulls it away from his body.

Harvey must detect the evil glean in my eyes because he steps away from me quickly.

"Woman!" he scolds me as my arms reach out for him again.

Turning around, he takes a few long steps back into the living room but I am not done teasing him yet. Going after him, I crash into his back. He spins around and tries to grab me. I'm quicker though and dash under his arm. Leaving the living area behind me, I scurry away into the hallway, Harvey hot on my heels. Having longer legs, he catches me within seconds and before I know it, his arm tightens around my waist and my whole body is pulled against his front. His grip is so firm that I couldn't move if I wanted to.

"You better behave now."

Just as I want to protest, there is a knock on the door and Harvey walks us over, never letting go of me.

"Welcome to the Paulsen-Specters, did you bring the mini-me?" he greets our friends after letting them in.

I know he means it as a joke, but him talking as if we were married isn't sitting well with me. After years of yearning for it, I can't just play pretend. As open as we were with each other earlier, the pain and uncertainty still sits deep.

"Harvey, can you let me go, please?" I try to keep my voice neutral, not wanting to ruin his good mood. He must have heard how detached I sound because he doesn't argue and loosens his hold. I slip out from under his arm and his worried eyes find mine.

_Everything alright?_ They seem to ask me. _Everything's alright._ I smile back at him. _Just too much too soon._

His hand squeezes mine and I squeeze back, reassuring him. I turn around to Mike and take him in, sleeping baby in arms. Rachel stands next to him, a guilty look on her face, her eyes teary.

"Rach," I pull my friend into my arms. "I really shouldn't have left you all alone with her, knowing she is not used to the bottle yet. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, I really wanted to give you more time. But I also didn't want her to go hungry."

"Nothing will ever be more important than her. You did exactly the right thing. Mike," I turn to him, "please take your wife out for some Sushi. On me."

I reach for my handbag next to the door to get some cash out of my wallet. Mike just laughs at me and hands Lizzie over to her dad.

"As much as I appreciate you wanting to pay us for our babysitting services, we do it out of obligation."

My hands have found a new victim and I hit his arm like I hit Harvey in the kitchen a few minutes ago.

"What did you just say to me?" I fake scowl at him.

"For the experience, I meant for the experience."

"And because you love me, right?"

"Sure, if you say so."

I hit him again and Harvey uses the momentum of Mike stepping back to push him out the door.

"You better leave before she gets the baguette out."

"The what now?"

The door falls shut into their faces.

"That wasn't nice, you know?" I turn to Harvey.

"It was for his own protection. That bread was hard."

"You are such a wuss."

Harvey is just about to reply when Lizzie starts to yawn, waking up.

"Saved by the baby, Paulsen. Saved by the baby."

"I will warm up a bottle. Maybe she likes taking one from daddy?" I give Harvey a hopeful look. "Only if you want to, of course." His whole face lights up. "I take that as a yes?"

"Hell yes."

"Harvey, language."

~oOo~

Harvey settles in on the recliner with Lizzie propped up against his chest and shoulder while I heat up another bottle of the milk I pumped earlier.

I hear Harvey quietly talking to Lizzie but can't make out what he is actually saying. He really is amazing with her. I never let my thoughts go to this place: Harvey and a baby. Me having Harvey's baby. But even if I would have, I could have never imagined that he would deal with it so beautifully. It makes me wonder what his thoughts on kids were before all this?

The bottle has warmed up and after I test the temperature on my wrist, I bring it over to Harvey and Lizzie. We might be a bit of a mess right now and I am still cautious, but they are also _mine_. My own little family. Wanting to give the milk a minute to cool, I sit down on the couch.

"Hey," I address Harvey and wait for him to look up from Lizzie, "it might sound really weird, but what are we?"

He gives me a quizzical look.

"What do you mean?"

He takes the bottle from me and after testing it on his own wrist, deems it safe enough to give to Lizzie.

"I mean, you and me. What are we? Friends? Lovers?" He grins and I blush.

Harvey gets some time to think about an answer because Lizzie is just as unwilling to take the bottle from her daddy as she was from her godmother. For now, he has to focus his full attention on her. Her mouth is practically screwed shut and every time he does manage to get the nipple in, she pushes it out again. Taking a moment's break, he turns to me again.

"I could be your boyfriend?" He emphasizes the word 'boy' and the look he gives me can only be described as mischievous.

"I can call you my 'adult' friend if that makes you behave more like one. I never thought you would be into the whole labeling thing."

"You started it and well, I am looking forward to calling you my girlfriend. Even though there is nothing 'girl' about you." His eyes wander from my legs up my whole body, getting stuck at the V-neck of my top.

"Less flirting, more feeding, please."

Lizzie chooses that exact moment to let out a big yawn and Harvey quickly pushes the bottle into her wide open mouth, pressing the nipple against the top of it. For a second she doesn't realize what had just happened but then her instinct takes over and she latches on.

If Harvey had his hands free, I'm sure he would have fist-pumped the air, _Breakfast Club_ style. Instead, his whole face just lights up and he pulls Lizzie a bit closer to his chest.

"You really can close anyone, can't you?" I smile at the view in front of me.

"She's just a daddy's girl."

The proud look on his face warms my heart but also makes the guilt bubble up again. This is everything I have always wanted for him, someone to love and feel unconditionally loved by. I almost took that not just from Harvey, but from our daughter as well.

"She really is. She would do anything for her daddy."

"And he would do anything for her."

Except move to Seattle to be with us, I silently think.

"I remember doing this with Haley once when she wasn't much older than Lizzie is now. Marcus and Katie came to the city and stayed with me for a few nights. This one night while Katie was out, Haley was inconsolable and wouldn't take the bottle from Marcus. At one point he just gave up and let me try. She took it within seconds. I think my brother wanted to leave her with me after that."

"Harvey Specter, The Baby Whisperer. Who would have thought." I smirk at the image of young Harvey, all coiffed hair and three-piece suit, persuading babies into drinking their bottles. The man really can do it all and look good doing it.

"Back then, I wasn't ready for my own family, but seeing what my brother had, I knew I wanted that one day. A wife and a baby. Maybe a house just like this," he gestures around the living room.

"I never knew that about you," I actually am surprised to hear that Harvey even thought about it once upon a time.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me. For example, there has only ever been one woman I could actually see myself starting a family with."

Our eyes lock and I feel like I can't breathe for a second. I swallow down my unease and try to lighten the mood with some easy banter, moving the conversation to a more familiar territory.

"Let me guess," I pretend to think for a second, "Nadia." The disgust I say her name with not much different than back in the DAs office.

Harvey gets my drift and easily retaliates with his own banter.

"I think her name was Debbie. But you know me. I can never get girls' names straight."

I try not to let his words get to me. As playful as we were earlier, it still feels surreal having these kinds of open conversations with Harvey. Dr. Lipschitz really helped him more than I ever thought possible. Nevertheless, I can't let him have the last word. Ever.

"If she can make The Harvey Specter think about settling down, she must be quite the girl."

Lizzie has finished her bottle and Harvey repositions her to burp.

"She is very special." His warm smile makes my cheeks heat up and I lower my eyes.

Noticing my discomfort, he tries to rile me up instead. "Kick-ass Legal Secretary. One of the best ones I ever had."

My head shoots up immediately. "One of the best? There is no one better than her."

"You haven't met my new one yet. She is a firecracker. But for some reason, she wouldn't touch my calendar or my filing system."

"She sounds like a keeper."

"Nothing like the original. She was one of a kind."

"And don't you forget that," I wink at him.

"I could never. You will love Rebecca, though. She has a little boy actually."

"How does she manage your hours and a kid at home? I don't think I would be able to do that."

"I don't make her work 60 hours, I'm not a monster. But her sister helps out a lot. One day her babysitter bailed and she had to bring him into the office though."

"I would have loved to see that. Did he have his little jam smeared fingers on your Miles Davis?"

"We had peanut butter, but No."

"You had peanut butter?" I repeat what he just said in disbelief.

"It was lunchtime. It would have been impolite to not have sandwiches with him after our meeting."

"You had a meeting?"

"We had a meeting and lunch after. He was in a suit at a law firm. Why do you think he was there if not for a meeting?"

"He was in a suit?"

"Are you just going to repeat everything I say?" he grins. "Yes, he had on the tiniest little suit and with his bald head, he looked like a mini-Louis. It was hilarious."

The memory makes Harvey laugh out and even I can't hold back anymore. It takes us a while to calm down again.

"His name is Thomas. He is a bit pretentious and had his hands all over my stuff, but we talked it out and eventually came to an understanding."

"Harvey," I start laughing again, "he's a baby."

"You would think so. But he's charming and he knows it. He had all the women at the office wrapped around his tiny fingers."

"Is he your new wingman now? The Goose to your Maverick?"

"I don't need a wingman, I got you all on my own, didn't I?"

He leans in for a kiss, cautious of Lizzie who is slowly falling asleep in his arms.

"I would say Mike, Louis and especially Dr. Lipschitz helped a lot."

"Sometimes I feel like I owe all of this to Stan." He gestures between the two of us and I give him a dubious look. He quickly revises his statement. "Stan and your superhuman patience, of course."

"That's better."

"But honestly, Donna. He helped me see what I wanted all along. I said earlier that I had once thought about a family but that was a long time ago and at one point my career took precedence and I pushed all other thoughts to the back of my head. Shortly before Rebecca brought Thomas to the firm, I had a very intense therapy session, and at the end of it, Lipschitz asked me if I have ever thought about having my own family. Spending the afternoon with the baby made me see that I wanted it. And I wanted it with you."

"Harvey -" Tears fill my eyes.

"Having a little boy run around my office was amazing. Even though he was just a year old then, he was so excited to play with my balls and the way he owned the room already was so fun to watch."

"So you would have liked a boy?"

"Donna, no. For one, I would never replace Lizzie with anyone and two, whenever I thought of you and our family, I always saw a little girl. Red hair, lean nose and never apologizing for who she is. I can't wait to take her to Little League practices or ballet recitals or riding lessons or whatever activity she wants to pursue. Being our kid, she probably will do it all. And I'm here for it."

"I think you're gonna make me cry."

"Oh, Donna. I'm just getting started."

~oOo~

For lunch, we heat up one of the frozen meals that Rachel has provided me with and then Harvey does some work in the study while I lie down for a nap.

When I wake up a few hours later, I notice that the bassinet next to the bed is empty and the baby monitor that I put on my nightstand is gone.

Wiggling my way out of bed, I go in search of my boyfriend and our daughter. I didn't need to go far, as I find them right next door in Lizzie's nursery.

Harvey is just buttoning her onesie after changing her and I lean against the doorframe, watching the two of them.

Suddenly, Harvey starts humming and then softly singing when he picks her up from the changing table.

"_It's hard to put it into words, when I tried I felt absurd. But you light the rooms of my soul..."_

He props the baby up against his chest, keeping her head secure, and then does something I have only very rarely seen Harvey Specter do. He starts to dance. In slow and soft movements, he twirls our girl around the room, whispering the words to the song that is playing in his head.

"_You light the room to the house of my soul. You light the room to the house of my soul. You light the room to the house of my soul."_

He turns around and stops when he sees me in the door. With a flirtatious look, he struts forward and reaches a hand out to me.

"Look, Lizzie. Mommy decided to join our dance party."

I take his hand and let myself be pulled against his chest. He wraps his arms around my waist and with Lizzie between us, we continue to sway back and forth.

My arms close around his neck and my fingers play with the soft hair at the back of it.

"Mommy always kept it a secret," Harvey continues talking to our daughter while his eyes find mine, "but she's got a beautiful singing voice. Much better than mine. If I wasn't already head-over-heels in love with her when she stepped on that stage, I would have fallen right then and there. She was that perfect."

I put my head on the shoulder that wasn't occupied by Lizzie and place my hand over his holding on to our daughter.

"She doesn't need perfect," I explain to him, closing my eyes. "She only needs you."

~oOo~

Lily comes over for dinner again and the rest of the night is spent watching _Survivor_. When I nod off for the third time, Harvey turns off the TV and helps me up from the couch. Slowly hobbling up the stairs, I realize how much I've overdone my activity earlier. I am in more pain than I thought I would be. Getting undressed in the bathroom, my stomach starts cramping and I notice that I'm bleeding a bit more than I did during the day.

"No more roughhousing, Mr. Specter," I reprimand Harvey when I join him in the bedroom. "Or at least not until I'm fully healed."

"Can I get you anything?" He gives me a worried look as I try to get comfortable on my side of the bed.

"I will be alright. I think. Nothing a little rest won't cure."

"Will some cuddling make it better?"

He pulls me to his side and I rest my head on his chest.

"Harvey Specter does not cuddle," I remind him, snuggling up close.

"You have no idea how much Harvey Specter likes to cuddle," he replies. "He's actually the best cuddler in New York City."

"But you are in Seattle," I close my eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.

"For now."

I know Harvey doesn't mean it that way, but unintentionally he just confirmed that I am allowed to worry about him leaving. Now that I know what it is like to be loved by him, it will only hurt more when all of this is going to end. However, I will savor every last second by his side because at one point, the memories will be all that's left of him.

~oOo~

The next morning I find myself in the kitchen, scrolling through the contacts on my phone when the display lights up and my mom's name and picture appears on it.

"How did you do that?"

I start the kettle and lean against the counter, waiting for the water to heat.

"Good morning to you, too. How did I do what?"

"Call me, just as I was about to call you."

"Who do you think you got your skills from? They certainly didn't come from your dad," she laughs.

"No, definitely not dad," I agree. "Let's hope I passed them down to Lizzie as well. We don't want her to end up as clueless as Harvey."

"How is my sweet granddaughter? And that handsome baby-daddy of yours?"

I can practically hear my mom wink through the phone.

"She is doing amazing. Sleeping a lot, feeding a lot and Harvey is convinced she smiled at him yesterday. My life has changed so rapidly in such a short amount of time but it all feels so right, you know? I never imagined this white picket fence and 2.4 kids but now with Lizzie, I can't imagine it being any different."

"And Harvey?"

I can't hold back the smile that spreads over my face and I'm grateful that my mom can't see me. The water has started boiling and I pour it into my cup, swirling the tea bag around. Pressing the button on the coffee machine, Harvey's drink is almost done as well.

"She loves Harvey and he loves her. Calls her his 'mini-me'. They are so adorable together."

"That's great to hear, but not what I wanted to know..." She doesn't elaborate and she doesn't need to.

"We are doing fine. I sat him down for a talk yesterday. It really was time."

"And?"

"And… He told me that he loves me."

"He already did that in the hospital. Something else must have happened of you wouldn't smile the way you do."

"How do you -?"

"We've been through this. I'm Clara, I know."

"I told him that I loved him, too. And we want to make it work."

"Oh, Donna," my mom sounds just as excited as Rachel did yesterday, "that is wonderful. I am so happy for you."

"Thank you. It's not what I thought would come out of it but we cleared the air and are on the same page now. Or will be soon at least."

"So that means you are coming home now, right? You are so far away and I would like to actually see my grandbaby grow up."

"Mom, I am home. Seattle is my home, my life is here," I tell her what I told Harvey.

"But his job is in the city. How are you planning on doing this? Bi-monthly flights from one coast to the other? Nightly facetime calls with a three hours time difference? That is no life for a child. She needs her dad around."

"Why are you saying this? You were perfectly fine with me being in Seattle when you thought I was raising her own my own."

"I wasn't. I was just not going to make your pregnancy any harder on you. Harvey is in the picture now and he should be allowed to be a hands-on dad to his little girl."

"Why does that mean that I have to go back to New York? Why can't he move here?"

"Both of your families are here, it just makes more sense. We can be there for you when you need help."

"I have support here. Rachel and Mike and everyone at the clinic. I don't want to leave."

"And the way I know Harvey, he doesn't want to leave his life either." Neither one of us says something for a moment but then my mom continues. "It's none of my business, but if the two of you want to be together, I think you should actually, physically, be in the same city. It's up to you two to determine where that is going to be."

"How will I know if I make the right decision?"

"If you really want to stay, then go out. Show him the city; your work. Make him see what his life could be like if he moved to Seattle. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he will make the right decision for you."

We talk for a few more minutes about her plans to visit and then I slowly make my way back to the bedroom. The call with my mom only put me more on edge now, but she was right: I will have to show Harvey what Seattle is like. I'm sure he could fall in love with it just like I did. Although, if we do have to go our separate ways, I want to enjoy every single second I have left with him.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

"Hey, I told you I could have gotten it if you were in too much pain."

Donna appears in the doorway, two steaming cups in her hands and I sit up against the headboard.

"Hold your horses, Mister. Perfection takes time."

The way she addresses me triggers a memory in the back of my head and I choose my next words very carefully. Taking a sip of the warm drink, I reply.

"That was the best cup of coffee I've ever had."

"I told you it was worth the wait."

She sits down on the bed beside me and I pull her in for a kiss.

"That was nice."

"It was."

I lean back against the pillows and laugh out loud. Grinning up to Donna, she gives me a baffled look.

"I knew it would happen one day… Your ego got to you and insanity took over." She puts her nose into my cup, sniffing the coffee. "What did I put in there?"

"Nothing, it's perfect." I take another sip and savor the faint taste of vanilla. "You are perfect."

"Are you talking to me or the coffee?" she asks, scrunching up her nose. She has never looked cuter.

"One tastes like vanilla," I sit up straight again and lean in for another kiss. "The other one tastes like strawberries and whipped cream." I lick my lips, pretending to think for a long second. "I would say it's a tie."

"In your dreams!"

She sets out to slap my arm again, but I just laugh and pull her closer. It shouldn't be this easy being with Donna. Shouldn't feel this comfortable and light, and yet it does. Like we should have been here all along. We have so much to work out, but I have wasted enough time. I want our future to start now and for that to happen, I will have to show her how long I have wanted this. After years of holding back emotionally and physically, all my feelings for her are ready to come out now. I can't get enough of her. Want to touch her, be around her, make her laugh. I take the cup out of her hand and I gesture for her to get back into bed.

"I can assure you that I'm not going insane. Not yet at least. The reason I was laughing is that you are so deeply rooted in my brain that we just inadvertently replicated a dream I had about you, word for word."

Donna gives me a curious look.

"You mean the one where I was naked?"

I roll my eyes at her.

"I was wondering when that would come up."

"You can't just drop a bomb like that and expect me not to follow up on it."

"A guy can dream." I roll on my side so I can take her in fully. "But no. It wasn't that one."

"You had multiple dreams about me?"

"I don't fare well when you leave me."

"Harvey," her hand finds my cheek and she strokes the stubble that is building up. "I am so sorry."

"I see now why you had to do it, but back then, it broke me. I had managed to push all my wishes and dreams to the back of my mind for the longest time. When you left, my subconscious reminded me that I didn't just lose my secretary and best friend, but also the woman I loved. And with you gone, all hope for my future was gone as well."

"If only I had known."

"It wouldn't have helped. If you had stayed, I never would have fought for what I truly want. You, Donna Roberta Paulsen, are the best thing that has ever happened to me and in the years of enabling me to be the best lawyer I can be, you also enabled me to be the best man I can be."

Tears well up in her eyes.

"I didn't do anything."

"You did everything. You have shown me unconditional love, something I have only ever experienced with my dad. I would have never made up with my mom if it wasn't for you. Wouldn't have been able to give Mike the second or third chance he deserved and would have probably killed Louis at some point." She giggles at that. "You have loved me at my worst and now I can finally love you at my best."

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

It doesn't take much to convince Harvey that a trip to the outside world will do us all some good. I pack Lizzie's bag while Harvey showers and then we pick up Lily from her hotel.

Setting up the clinic and mourning my life in New York didn't leave me with much time to explore Seattle but even in my few months here, I have found some spots I enjoy visiting on a regular basis.

Our first stop is Dr. Jose Rizal Park which offers an uninterrupted view of Downtown and Elliott Bay.

"Seattle is so much slower than New York and it was a very welcome change," I explain to Lily while Harvey gets Lizzie out of the car. "But up here, you can pretend to be back. The skyline, the busy roads… You are right in the middle but not actually part of it."

"You can see the Baseball Stadium from here. If that doesn't convince Harvey to stick around, I don't know what will," Lily whispers to me.

"You want him to stay?" I look at her stunned. "I thought you would want us to go back to the East Coast like my mom does."

"Do I want my son and my granddaughter close? Of course, I do. However, his career should never be more important than yours. You have built yourself a home here, something that Harvey never managed to do. I think him moving to Seattle is the perfect way for him to finally have _everything_."

The way she emphasizes the last word, I am wondering how much Harvey has told her about our arguments in the past.

We walk around in the sun for a short while and then I take the Specters down to Pioneer Square and the Waterfront.

Harvey is excitedly pointing out the Great Wheel to Lizzie, moving his arms around like windmills.

"And now he thinks he's Don Quixote. How fitting," Lily pats her son on the back, silently laughing. "Leave the poor baby alone and help your beautiful girl here walking. She just gave birth a week ago and shouldn't even be on her feet this much."

She takes the stroller from Harvey and walks down the boardwalk, leaving us behind, dumbstruck.

"Donkey who?" Harvey gives me a confused look and I hook my arm around his, tapping his upper arm with my free hand.

"Don Qui-, you know what? Ask Louis the next time you see him."

"I actually talked to him last night and he can't wait to come and see you. He misses you a lot."

"I miss him, too. Rachel is great but she is not as much of a theater fan as he is."

We follow after Lily, relishing the warm weather and soft breeze.

"What is Seattle theater like? Nothing like to Broadway, I imagine. Don't think there is much on offer, is there?"

I know he is trying to remind me of the advantages that New York brings, I can't fault him for it as I am trying to do the same with him and Seattle right now.

"The city actually has a vibrant art scene. There are multiple theater companies just minutes from the office and some around my house as well. I would actually like to get back on stage again one day. The clinic gives me more free time than _Specter Litt_ ever did but now with Lizzie, I want to concentrate on her first."

"You should definitely do it. I always loved watching you perform and you need to do something for yourself as well."

"I would feel bad always leaving her with Mike and Rachel. They work long hours and are still in their first year of marriage. They should enjoy some time for two and not babysit my kid all the time."

Harvey doesn't say anything for a while and just when I think he knows what to reply, Lily points out a restaurant to us and asks if we are in the mood for lunch. We catch up to her and our conversation stays unresolved.

While Harvey said that he would be there for Lizzie, I know that I'm asking a lot of him, moving here for us. I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend that there isn't a huge decision to be made though. And I don't know if I can ever go back to New York.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: Hey there, remember us? Or more importantly, remember this little story? So much has happened since we last saw each other and the new year is keeping us on our toes as well. Can you believe it's only March?

We had a really hard time coming to terms with the end of the show and personal health, as well as sick relatives, kept us from sitting down and spending time with this version of Darvey. There won't be weekly updates like in the past but we will do our best to post regularly and not make it six months between chapters ever again.

We know where the story is going and it's all clear in our heads, so we can guarantee that it will be finished. Just allow us some time to get back in the groove.

Chapter 16 has been half-written for a while and now that the inspiration and motivation are back, we wanted to post it as a surprise and big thank you for all your patience.

This chapter would not be what it is without the sharp mind of Aimee (AimeeValle1). She had such a great time helping us out, that she now became a (glorious) writer herself. Check out _The One_ and _The Closer_ if you haven't yet. But please, only after you read this ;-)

Okay, enough talk! Let's go over to Seattle and check in with Donna & Harvey. Enjoy!

Heather & Stefanie (Andelin - on FFnet)

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**Donna's POV**

"That Clam Chowder was delicious. Almost as delicious as you." We step out of the restaurant and Harvey pulls me into his chest to give me a kiss.

This is the first time we have kissed in front of Lily and while it was very chaste, I lean away from him quickly.

"Did you just compare me to a fish soup?" I hit Harvey's arm in mock outrage.

"Not fish, clam. There's a difference," he clarifies.

"As if that is any better. The only sea creature you could successfully compare me to would be Ariel."

"Redhead, beautiful singing voice and fascinated with forks. That sounds about right."

"You're an idiot." I smile up to him, pulling him closer towards me again.

"If you're Ariel, that means I'm Prince Eric." He thinks for a second. "Rich, handsome, -"

"Easily distracted by a brunette."

His eyes widen and only now do I realize what I just implied.

"Donna, I would never -"

"I didn't mean it like that," I cut him short.

Harvey takes my face into his hands and forces it up until I look him in the eyes.

"There will never be anyone but you. You and Lizzie, you are my life. I thought you knew that."

"It was a joke, Harvey."

"Are you sure?"

He looks worried but I just roll my eyes at him and step out of his hold.

"Everyone knows that the only woman Harvey Specter ever cheats with is Lady Justice."

Turning my back on him, I take Lizzie out of her grandmother's arms and press a kiss to my baby's forehead to hide my tears from the Specters. It might have started out as a joke but there was more truth to it than I am willing to admit. Would Harvey ever be able to choose us over his love of the law?

We walk along the boardwalk for a short while before Lily excuses herself. She has a phone call scheduled with Bobby and after not seeing or speaking to him for a few days, she is as excited as a teenager with a crush. The fact that Harvey makes fun of her about it, shows how far they have come in their relationship. In all the years by Harvey's side, I always knew what to expect of him. I knew his thoughts, feelings, and desires, better than he did. The Harvey standing before me now is a changed man. What I've seen of him makes me love him more and at the same time, somehow I feel more vulnerable around him. Our dynamic has shifted, I can't read his every thought and therefore can't protect my heart from what might happen. Would I be able to survive Harvey choosing New York over us if I can't see it coming?

The rest of the way to our Westlake office, I keep unusually quiet but Harvey is too preoccupied with Lizzie to notice.

~oOo~

Stepping back into the clinic feels more like coming home than I expected. This place saved me from going under during the worst months of my life. Even though Harvey has been here before, no tour of _my_ Seattle would be complete without showing him where I work.

When I left New York, I never thought I would feel as comfortable in another firm as I did at Specter Litt. I spent more time in those offices than my own home and I never expected anything to fill that void.

Harvey, Louis, and Jessica had been my family for the longest time and no one can replace them, but what I have with my team here is something even stronger. This place isn't a stepping stone, a line on a resume. It's a life, a family, a home. I have met parents, siblings, and children of almost everyone working here. When we order takeout, everyone comes together, not just an elite two or three. There is no real hierarchy here, no partners calling the shots. We have all built this clinic together and made it what it is today.

I am a mentor and confidante to the young girls starting their careers here and together we change lives and not just make rich men richer. It's rewarding work and my compassionate nature has come in handy more times than I can count. I am finally where I was meant to be and this is the only place I can see giving my daughter the life she deserves.

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

How can one just stop being yourself?

Looking around the '_Hope for the Future'_ Legal Clinic, I don't see high-stakes and cutthroat Harvey Specter fitting in here. Ever.

The offices are buzzing, young lawyers joking around with secretaries, and while the building has fewer windows than my firm, everything here feels brighter, lighter, and just happier than back home.

I take a look at Donna, who looks like all the sorrow of the last few days has finally left her body. She seems calm, relaxed and even a bit excited when stepping off the elevator. The glow I was missing from our old days is back. This is her home, and the way the room quiets down the second that people notice her in the hallway is proof that she is reigning this empire just like she had done in New York.

There is a loud squeal and two young, brunette women rush towards us.

"She's here!" they almost yell in sync.

Before I know what is happening, four hands reach for my daughter, who, despite the noise, is still asleep in her stroller.

I am just about to yank the stroller back and put a protective arm over Lizzie when Donna steps in the women's way and they throw themselves around her neck instead.

My eyes find Mike's, who must have been alarmed by the two secretaries' screams. He rolls his eyes at them and then steps closer to pull them away from my girlfriend.

"I know that you've missed your cult leader, but give her some room to breathe. We still need her to be able to come back one day."

The use of his commanding voice sobers the brunettes up and they transform back to the young professionals I know them as.

"Kaitlin, Olivia," Donna addresses her and Mike's assistants, "would you like to meet Lillian Elizabeth Specter?"

I can hear the start of a squeal again but one look from Donna shuts them up.

"Lillian, what a beautiful name," Olivia smiles and tries to look past Donna into the stroller.

"Specter?" Kaitlin gives first Donna a look and then seems to notice me standing behind her boss. Her eyes widen and she takes a step back from the shock.

We had only met twice but judging by the less than welcoming look she is giving me now, she knows more about our past than she had ever let on.

Donna is not reacting to her secretary's question but turns to me instead.

"I know she is sleeping, but would you mind handing me Lizzie so she can meet these two Scream Queens?"

She can read my opinion on that on my face clearly, but she wouldn't be Donna if she followed my lead.

"Why don't I take her to my office and you wait here with Mike? I won't be long." She leaves a quick kiss on my cheek and struts down the hallway with the stroller, secretaries in tow.

I follow her with my eyes until she has rounded the corner.

"Here to check out your new office?"

"Excuse me?" I give Mike a side-eyed look. The words might have come out harsher than I intended to but he was being way too presumptuous.

Holding up his hands in defense, he turns his back on me and follows Donna to their offices.

"It was just a joke, man," he says over his shoulder. When he is further down the hall, he adds, "And for the record, you could do way worse than this place."

The handful of associates in the glass-walled kitchen give me a curious look and start whispering, so I turn my back on them as well.

Left all alone in the reception area, I consider waiting for Donna and Lizzie outside, but I don't want her to wonder where I went. Not in the mood to join her in her office either, I just pull out my phone and check my emails instead.

After everything that happened this morning, I completely forgot about my messages and it isn't a surprise that my inbox is flooded. The majority seems to be from Louis and Robert, the exclamation points in the subject lines only increasing the further I scroll. The last message only reads "If you still want a job tomorrow, call me now!"

I am just about to dial Robert's number when the elevator doors opposite me open and a man about my own age frantically steps into the reception area. He quickly looks around the empty hall before his eyes fall on me.

"I need help. You're a lawyer, right?"

I look down at my gray jeans and dark blue shirt with rolled-up sleeves. While my clothes don't change my profession, I couldn't look less like the million-dollar attorney that I am back home.

"Yes," I confirm the man's question, "but I don't -"

"You need to help me, please." He runs his hands through his hair and by the disheveled look of it, it wasn't the first time today.

I get ready to tell him again that yes, I was an attorney, but I wasn't working here nor am licensed to practice in this state. My mouth falls shut again when the next words leave his mouth.

"It's my daughter. They are trying to take my daughter from me."

"They…?"

"My ex and her mother."

He starts roaming the space before me and by now has attracted even more attention than I did earlier.

My initial reaction was to pull him aside and command him to calm the fuck down, but then I thought of Lizzie. If I was in his situation, I would punch anyone who stood in my way. Instead, I'm thinking back to all the years that outraged people tried to storm my office and the only solution that comes to my mind is _W. W. D. D._ \- What Would Donna Do?

I step in the man's way, forcing him to look at me. Being this close to him, I can see him shaking, sweat running down his temples.

"Why don't you sit down and I will find someone who can help you."

We don't need to go far, as Mike is already waiting in front of the conference room for us. We take a seat and Olivia brings in three glasses of water before closing the door behind her.

Mike introduces himself and then Nick, the proud father of a two-year-old little girl, tells us all about his drug-using ex-girlfriend, her doctor mother who fakes health records for her, and their claim that he's not the father.

"So you're not on the birth certificate, but you have taken a paternity test?"

"We broke up before she realized she was pregnant and I wasn't there for the birth. I only found out when I ran into her on the street, baby strapped to her chest. Her mother took the test in her clinic, but I also know that Amber is mine. Julie wouldn't cheat. She's not that kind of girl."

The similarity to my life makes me swallow hard. I was never more grateful that Donna changed her mind and told me about Lizzie before I missed her birth.

"You said she's using?" Mike continues taking notes, the frown on his face growing deeper.

"We met in NA meetings. I was her sponsor for a while but had someone else take her on when we got involved romantically. I know that being a former user doesn't speak well for me, but I haven't touched that shit in over 20 years now. I'm clean and I would never risk my daughter. Ever."

"And Julie would?"

"She's got a new boyfriend and he got her back into drugs. She steals them from her mom's clinic but the woman is too conceited to ever admit that her daughter is a druggy and just using her. I want my girl out of there but as I'm not her legal father, I don't have any rights."

Mike puts his notepad aside and sits back in his chair.

"I have to be honest with you, Nick, I'm not sure how much help we can be for you. This isn't really the sort of case we normally take."

Nick's eyes widen in fear. "But you're a legal clinic. I don't have the money for a hot-shot attorney like Julie's mom does. Please."

I don't think I have ever seen someone more desperate than Nick, and I have put innocent men into prison before.

"Please!"

"It's just not where our expertise lies," Mike continues. "We are specialized in class actions and take on large corporations. I'm very sorry."

Nick's face falls.

"We can ask around if anyone has the means to take your case on, but I have to warn you, that most clinics are at capacity at the moment and as there won't be a settlement fee involved, it could take months, if not years, until someone can fight your case in court."

Nick drops his head in his hand and his shoulders start shaking from his dry sobs.

Mike and I sit in silence, watching this man's world fall apart, both of us disheartened that we can't be of any help.

It takes a few minutes until Nick is calm enough to look at us again.

"Thank you for your time." He gets up and leaves the room without another word.

Mike and I share a look and before I know it, I'm pushing my chair back and hurry after Nick.

I catch him just as he's about to step on the elevator. Moving my hand in between the doors, I keep them from closing.

"I'm not sure how much help I can really be," I reach for the wallet in my back pocket and pull out one of my business cards, "but just in case you don't find anyone else, give me a call."

Stepping back, the doors close in front of me.

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

It doesn't take long before Kaitlin and Olivia have to return to work again. We might have more fun here than in a regular law firm but that doesn't mean we are less busy.

Building up the clinic and waiting for cases to come in took a while but once we had made a name for ourselves in Seattle, the work kept piling up quickly.

I love being at home with Lizzie and currently, I am in too much pain to even consider returning to work, but looking around my office now, I can't wait to come back.

Two swift knocks on my door make me look up. I smile as I see Rachel leaning against the doorframe.

"You will not believe who I just saw in a client meeting with Mike."

"Is it that _delicious_ lawyer from Fox, Luther, and Wayne?" I feel my own eyes starting to sparkle and I get up as quickly as I can.

"No." Rachel snorts. "But good to know that Harvey has some competition."

Disappointed, I fall back into my chair. "There is no competition, but just because I am with him now, doesn't mean I can't appreciate God's other creations." I give my friend a wink.

"Especially when they are hot and have an accent?"

I hold my hands up in defeat. "At least I can blame my hormones. What is your excuse?"

Rachel only laughs at me. "I miss having you in your office."

"I miss being in my office."

"There was a time when I thought I would never hear those words come from you."

"I try not to remember those months." I give Rachel a tight-lipped smile.

"It all worked out the way it was supposed to." She steps forward to pull me into a quick hug. "Now go and enjoy being a mom. This will all be waiting for you when you're ready to come back."

With a kiss on Lizzie's forehead, Rachel walks back towards her own office and I am left by myself. Turning towards my large window front, I take in Lake Union, sparkling in the sunshine.

The view, so similar, and yet so unlike my very first visit here.

_~oOo~_

_I don't know what I expected, not even sure I lost a thought on the actual clinic part of my new job, but what I do know is that I didn't envision this. _

_The building the clinic is located in is more glass than brick and reminds me more of the Specter Litt offices than Mike's last stomping ground. So much for moving on. _

_Just as I finish parking the car, someone opens my door for me. Looking up, I am confronted with my new boss' smiling face. _

"_Nice honeymoon glow, Puppy." I get out of my seat and pull Mike into a hug. It's only been a week, but I have missed him more than I thought possible. He is my forever connection to Harvey. A mini version of the man I have loved and lost forever. They even use the same aftershave, a Christmas present I now regret. _

_Mike pulls back and takes me in. I know he notices my red eyes, the bags under them and my even paler than normal skin tone. He's a gentleman though and doesn't comment on it. _

"_Rachel can't wait to see you." He links my arm with his and leads me towards the entrance._

"_Where is the new Mrs. Ross? I want to ask her if she already regrets marrying you." _

"_Why? Do you hope we will get a divorce and I can finally be yours?" he jokes as we step on the elevator. _

"_Oh, Mike. As if you could ever handle all this." I gesture along my body._

_He looks me up and down, giving me a wink. _

"_You don't know what I can handle."_

"_But I do know." I raise an eyebrow at him. "One glass of wine and your wife spills all her secrets." _

_Mike's eyes widen in shock. _

"_What did she tell you?" _

_The elevator doors open before I can reply. I step into the lobby, turn around and wink at my friend. _

"_Let's just say, I will never sit on your couch again."_

_~oOo~_

"_Donna!" Rachel winds her way through handyman and building materials, falling around my neck when she reaches me. In my heels, I tower over my friend who in her jeans and flat boots definitely fits in better in our current environment. "I'm so happy you are here with us." _

_Mike pulls his wife off me and into his side, the newlyweds both giving me their biggest smiles. _

_Rachel moves her arms around, presenting the half-built offices like a price on Let's Make a Deal._

"_So, what do you think?" My friend is practically bouncing on her feet. I take a look around, the exposed brick wall and industry style windows, an understated sophistication that feels both professional and homely. _

"_It's very... Seattle." _

_Rachel's face falls at my words. _

"_You don't like it." _

"_No, Rach. I didn't say that. It's beautiful. It actually feels like the perfect mix of you two. Elegant and airy meets tough but warm."_

_Mike laughs at my explanation but Rachel is not convinced. _

"_Then why don't I believe you?"_

"_You should. It's just, I'm not sure I fit in here." I look down at my 5-inch heels and tight dress. _

_A look crosses Mike's face but it's gone before I can decipher it. _

"_The day Donna Paulsen feels out of place somewhere, is the day hell freezes over." Rachel grins again. "Come along, I will show you to your office." _

_I follow her as she makes her way down the hall past a seating area and a meeting room, already furnished and ready to be used. _

_Rachel stops at a corner office, the empty room opening up to the view of the boat pier on what I assume to be Lake Union. _

"_This will be Mike's office," Rachel explains to me. "Mine is right next door and yours will just be one door down." She leans close to me to whisper her next words. "I saved us the ones with the best view, don't tell Andy." _

_I chuckle at my friend's enthusiasm. _

"_It's not the New York skyline, but as far as views go, this one isn't half bad," Rachel concludes. _

"_No furniture?" I look into her office next door which is just as bare as Mike's. _

"_We chose ours when we arrived yesterday but wanted to wait for you before we ordered it. There are some catalogs in the meeting room you can browse through. Mike ordered lunch right before you arrived, so why don't you look around your office and meet us in the kitchen when you are done?"_

_I nod at her and watch her glide down the hallway. Halfway down, she turns around again. _

"_You have no idea how happy I am that you are joining us. It wouldn't have been the same without you." _

_I force a smile and make my way to my new office. _

_The room is big and the view beautiful. Stepping closer to the window, I look out at the wintery lake. Despite the season, there are a few people out and about. A young woman is pushing a stroller along the lakefront, her husband walking behind her, holding both hands of their little daughter who takes a few unsteady steps. A man jogs past them and an older couple is sitting on a bench nearby, warmly dressed for this sunny but cold winter day. _

_This might be the biggest change that Seattle will bring. Actual free time to enjoy life, like any other normal person. I might not be fifty floors up but I still feel as much an outsider as I did back home. _

_Quickly turning my back on the view, I take a look around the room again, visualizing my new furniture in it and then I hurry back towards my friends. _

_I find the kitchen easily and just as the meeting room, it is ready to be used. Rachel is portioning the Thai food onto three plates while Mike is hugging her from behind, pulling her closer to his chest as he whispers sweet nothings into her ear. _

_Rachel is giggling, slapping his arm in mock annoyance and the tears that wouldn't spill earlier, force their way into my eyes now. I turn around and rush towards the restrooms that Rachel pointed out to me before. _

_I hope Lucifer's got a coat because hell was about to freeze over. _

_~oOo~_

Lizzie's whimpering pulls me back into the present. Like I told Rachel, I don't like thinking back to my start here. I gave this life a chance even though it broke me every day anew. Things became easier later into my pregnancy but I know exactly how Harvey must be feeling right now. The only difference is, that I chose this life while Harvey was forced into it. And if there's anything Harvey hates almost as much as being lied to, it's being pushed into a corner.

I take the stroller and make my way back toward reception. Walking past the conference room, I remember Rachel mentioning a mysterious meeting but the room is empty.

I find Harvey by the elevators right where I left him. He seems lost in thought and he doesn't react to me until my hand finds his shoulder.

"You ready to go? Have a quiet evening at home?" I smile at him.

He nods, taking a now wide awake Lizzie out of her carrier. He pulls her close into his chest and presses a long kiss on her head.

"Ready when you are."

We are just about to get in the car when Robert calls Harvey's phone.

Handing me the keys, Harvey straps Lizzie in before he hits _accept_. The whole drive home, I listen in on Robert chewing my boyfriend out for just leaving on a whim. I know that Harvey spoke to Louis but apparently, he never contacted his Managing Partner or let his secretary know when he would be back.

From what I can catch, it sounds like the firm's newest client is being sued for pumping oil into a wildlife refuge and Robert expects Harvey to come home immediately.

So much for a quiet evening at home.

~oOo~

The second the microwave beeps, I open the door to it and let the steam escape. A quick look at the bassinet confirms that Lizzie is still fast asleep. She had an adventurous day, one that maybe was too much for her tiny one-week-old self. I am certainly exhausted and feel every last muscle in my body. After moving very little the last few weeks of my pregnancy, our Seattle excursion took a toll on me. It is not just the physical bits that tired me out, the emotional rollercoaster that this day has been, just makes me want to crawl into bed and shut my eyes for as long as our newborn allows me to.

After we returned home, Harvey stayed in the living room with us while I tried to feed Lizzie but when he loudly refused Robert's demands to come home and started screaming not just at Robert, but Robert's right-hand woman Samantha, and his own client, I asked him to take the call to my study. He has been locked in there for the last four hours.

I fed and burped Lizzie and then started on dinner, hoping that Harvey would come out in time for us to eat together. It wasn't so.

It was close to 8 pm now and I had enough. Nothing more could be achieved at this time of night.

Taking the hot plate out of the microwave, I cautiously walk towards my home office. The muffled voice behind it rises in volume the moment I am about to knock. I quickly retreat and put the lasagna on the dining room table, falling onto one of the chairs in front of it.

I should have known that nothing would ever be easy when it comes to our relationship. We are Donna and Harvey after all. One talk can't fix years of miscommunication and suppressed feelings. I hoped that seeing where I work and who I spent my days with would help him realize why my heart is in Seattle now.

We took one step, maybe even a leap, forward this morning, but now, twelve hours later, I feel like we took three steps back. How can we ever make it work, when Harvey doesn't like the clinic, his work is taking priority over his family already and Zane Specter Litt simply can't exist without him there?

A loud bang and a screamed curse word coming from the office, makes me flinch.

How did this day, that had started out so wonderfully, take such a turn for the worse in just a few hours?

~oOo~

**Harvey's POV**

"Motherfucker!"

My empty water glass hits the office wall and it takes everything in me not to make my cell phone follow suit.

I drop down on the couch and with shaking hands, I press the speed dial on my phone.

It only takes a few seconds for the call to connect and for the words to pour out.

"I don't think I can do this." I loudly exhale and drop my head into my hands.

"What?" Marcus asks, clearly caught off guard.

"I really thought I could, I want to - for her - but I don't see how this can work. I don't want to break her heart, but -"

"Harvey Reginald Specter, if you really leave your child and that beautiful woman without even trying, I am done being your brother." I don't think I have ever heard Marcus this angry and I sit up stunned.

"What are you talking about?"

"You have only been a father for a week and you are already giving up. I really expected more from you. Donna and Lizzie are the best things that have ever happened to you and they deserve so much better."

I would laugh about Marcus' assumptions if his words weren't hitting so close to home. While there is no way I would ever leave my girls, they do deserve better. But I would never let my brother know that.

"Thank you, dipshit, for the vote of confidence. I was actually not talking about them, I was talking about work."

"What about it?"

I get up from the couch and start pacing through the room.

"I have this big case in New York and me being here, it just doesn't work. They need me to come home."

"And you don't want to leave Donna," Marcus concludes for me.

There is no need for me to reply.

"Can't she come with you? She's still on maternity leave and it's just for one case."

"It is never just one case," I explain to him. "There will always be a next one and she is very adamant that she doesn't want to return to New York."

"Then quit."

I stop in my tracks.

"Excuse me?"

"It's as easy as that. You have your work and you have Donna. If you can't have both, you will need to choose one."

"And stay in Seattle?" I could hear the repugnance in my own voice.

"I know it's not New York, but I'm sure they have bagels and coffee there."

"I should love it just because it's far away from you," I joke.

"And yet, you don't."

"And yet, I don't." I let my words linger for a moment, trying to find a way to explain the situation to my brother. "It's not even the city. Sure, it's not New York, but it has a certain charm. I just can't see myself here. My firm is back home. And what would I even do here?"

"Doesn't Donna work at that legal clinic? I'm sure they would gladly take you on."

"I don't think that is going to happen."

"Don't tell me they said no to _The_ Harvey Specter?"

I snort. "They basically already have an office waiting for me."

"Let me guess, it's the biggest one in the whole building?"

"Not even remotely." I walk over to the couch again and let myself fall down on it.

"So you don't want the job because they didn't give you a bigger office? You know that you are being ridiculous, right? We don't judge success by the size of an office."

"I fought too long and too hard to get my name on the wall to not have that anymore. I'm not ready to go backward in my career just yet." I focus my attention on my fingertips that are drumming against each other.

"Then don't. No one says you have to take this particular job."

"Donna does," I mumble the words under my breath but Marcus still hears them.

"I don't believe that for a second. All Donna wants is for you to be happy."

"How can I be happy without her?" I move my gaze away from my hands and to the window, the sun slowly setting.

"I thought you were a couple now."

"We are, but we have always worked together. It's what we do, it's who we are."

"No, it's not." I have rarely heard my brother this stern with me. "You are partners and parents. Donna will still be there at the end of the day when you come home. She is not leaving you just because you are not working together."

"I need this to work out. I need things to go back to the way they were."

"Harvey, it will never go back to the way it was. You have a kid now and life will never be the same again. Take it from someone who just lost their wife and children because he wasn't willing to make changes in his life."

Now it was time for me to get angry. "We are not you and Katie."

"Harvey, listen to me," Marcus replied in a soothing tone. "Nothing is more important than your family. Nothing. All the titles and names on the walls and big offices mean nothing if you don't have the people you love in your life."

"Are you saying that I can't have it all?"

"I'm saying that you need to redefine what _all_ means for the two of you. I will forever regret not fighting harder for Katie and not being able to save us. Don't make the same mistake."

"Donna and Lizzie are my life. I'm not going to let them go." I get up again, too agitated to sit down, and stride up and down in front of the window.

"That's what I thought about my family, too. But we Specter men are idiots and it's only a matter of time until we fuck up. It's a miracle Donna stayed by your side as long as she did. You really don't deserve her."

"She wants to stay here, I know she does. But I feel out of place. I don't fit in there."

"You won't know until you try."

"And what if I don't want to try? What I have in New York is great."

"But having Donna is better," Marcus voices my thoughts.

I turn away from the window and am surprised to see Donna standing in the doorway to her study. I give her a warm smile and ask Marcus to hang on for a second.

"I thought you might be hungry." Donna walks over to the desk and puts the plate of lasagna down on it.

"Why didn't you just get me? We could have had dinner together." I feel the insane urge to take her into my arms. The mess in New York, the uncertainty about my future, it is all muted in my head when I see her.

"You were busy, I didn't want to keep you from your work." Her voice is emotionless and her face doesn't give much away either but I can feel that something is off with her.

"I would have made the time." My voice takes on that special tone that I reserve just for her.

"It's okay, Harvey. Go, eat. Before it gets cold again."

She's almost out the door but I manage to grab her arm just in time.

"Donna? Is everything alright?" I try to read her face but I get nothing from it.

Finally, a closed-lipped smile spreads on her face.

"Of course, Harvey. Everything is normal."

She slowly pulls her arm out of my hold, turns and closes the door behind her.

"Harvey, are you still there?" Marcus' voice breaks me out of my trance.

"Yes, sorry. What were we talking about?"

"You being an idiot and Donna choosing the wrong Specter brother," Marcus jokes.

I think back to all the things Donna had done for me over the years. The life she gave up so I could achieve my dreams, never getting anything in return.

"I really don't deserve her." Somehow the thought makes my throat tighten.

"So," Marcus decides to change the topic to something lighter, "tell me about that niece of mine. Mom can't stop sending me pictures of her. Is she keeping you on your toes?"

My face breaks out into a wide grin and I tell my brother all about the little girl who holds my heart in her two tiny hands. All thoughts and worries about legal clinics and broken families pushed to the back of my mind for now.

~oOo~

**Donna's POV**

"_And what if I don't want to try? What I have in New York is great."_

Harvey's words to his brother resound in my head while I clean up the kitchen and get Lizzie ready for the night. Once she is nursed and back asleep, I curl up in bed myself. Still alone.

I was a fool to believe that Harvey would drop everything just because I want him to. I made a new family here, one that picked me up when I was at the bottom. My work here gave me purpose and a reason to go on. Zane Specter Litt did the same for Harvey. How can I ask him to drop the only lifeline he has ever known to jump into complete uncertainty with us. I know it is selfish of me but I had hoped that he would at least consider it for his daughter. For us.

Lizzie whimpers quietly and my hand finds her tummy in the dark. Lightly stroking my fingers back and forth over her onesie, I make a decision. All I ever wanted was for Harvey to be happy. I know he loves me and he loves Lizzie more than his own life, but he had never really known what was best for himself. That's what he had me for. If he can't make a decision, I will have to make one for him. It's what he needs.

"Looks like it's going to be just you and me now, baby girl. Just you and me."

If I really love Harvey, maybe it's time to let him go. For his own good.


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: No excuses, only apologies. So, SORRY! This long of a hiatus wasn't planned but at the very least this and the next chapter are done, so you got something to look forward to in the coming weeks. These two are the longest chapters yet, both being over 8k, so bring some time ;)

We are actually blown away by your enthusiasm and support for this story and how you are still here, waiting for updates when they take longer than Sheila's pregnancy.

A very special "this chapter wouldn't exist without you" Thank You goes to the brilliant Aimee (aimeevalle1) who had to talk us off the ledge quite a few times.

We've also added the insanely talented Jess (Ipaulsenspecter /darveymanips) to our team. It's mind-blowing how perfectly her creations fit our story in general and with her getting a sneak peek of the chapters now, we hope for some exclusive manips based on them *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.

You can check out her newest pics of our favorite family, plus other inspirational images on the 'Labor of Love' Instagram board (laboroflovefic) tomorrow.

Okay, this was longer than intended - (almost as long as our hiatus). Thank you for sticking with the story and now, ENJOY!

* * *

**Chapter 17**

**Donna's POV**

Lizzie's stirring rouses me from my already restless sleep. My eyes are heavy and slightly sticky and I have a hard time opening them. This wasn't the first time I cried while sleeping and it surely won't be the last. That's what happens when you fall in love with someone who is unable to commit.

I reach out to Lizzie in the bedside bassinet, hoping she will allow me another minute to gather myself, but my hand finds a cold and empty mattress. I sit up with a start and my eyes fly open.

My heart is ready to jump out of my chest as I frantically look around the dark room.

And then I see him. Next to the door stands Harvey with Lizzie in his arms and a sheepish look on his face.

"Hey," he says casually as if he didn't just take years off my life with this stunt.

I lean against the headboard and press my hands to my chest, willing my heartbeat to slow down.

"Where are you going?" I croak out. "She's hungry."

"She's also wet. I'll have her back in a few minutes. Close your eyes again." And then he's gone.

Not seeing the point, I just get in a more comfortable sitting position and enjoy the silence around me. A silence that soon gets interrupted by a voice coming from the baby monitor on my bedside table. Harvey must have taken the transmitter with him so I would hear them if I woke up before he came back.

"Hey, my little Lizzie Bear, did you also do a stinky, or did you leave that one for mommy?" I hear the flaps of the diaper open and Harvey growls lowly. "No, left it for Daddy, of course. But that's okay. I still love you. Stinky diapers and all." Harvey pauses for a moment and when he speaks again there is something in his voice that I can't quite make out. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. Didn't even know I could feel like this at all. How am I supposed to leave you?"

Lizzie lets out a dissatisfied squeal as if speaking from my own soul.

"I know! Daddy feels the same. I don't want to leave you. But I have to go back. You have your mommy and Auntie Rachel, and I guess the traitor Mike too, and they will look after you. Just like I will have to look after the firm back home. I won't be here for all your bedtimes, but I will call you every chance I get, okay? Maybe Daddy can learn a song that he can sing to you."

Having heard enough, I turn the monitor off. I knew he was leaving. Even went to bed with the image of Lizzie and me being alone stuck in my head. I knew it was coming. It still hits differently, hearing it being confirmed.

Less than a minute later, the two return to the bedroom. Harvey hands Lizzie over and then steps out of the jeans he was still wearing before getting into bed himself.

I unclip the front of my nursing nightie, and with an appetite that she could have only inherited from Harvey, she starts nursing the second I have her on my breast, her eyes dropping closed from time to time. The room is silent apart from the continuous sucking noise Lizzie makes.

As I switch breasts, I realize why Harvey has been unusually quiet since his return, he's fast asleep, turned towards me, with one of his hands lying just shy of my hip.

The pressure on my breast subsides and I look down.

"Looks like it isn't just Daddy who needs to catch up on some sleep, is it?" I snicker at Lizzie who fell back to sleep mid-sucking. I try burping her for a minute, concerned she may have just swallowed a lot of air with her lazy sucking, but not much comes out.

I place her in the bassinet and turn back around to Harvey's side of the bed. He really has a side now. Not something I had ever thought would happen when I bought the house or the bed. Or even when I asked Mike to call him.

But just as he weaseled his way into my heart all these years ago, he made his way into my bed now. Gradually, quietly, but consistently, until I woke up one day and wondered how I ever lived without him in my life. And just when I thought I had it all, I find myself alone again.

Even though he is still lying beside me, he couldn't feel further away. Just like on that cloudy morning in my sticky and strawberry strained sheets, or that star-filled night in my living room after an unexpected declaration of love, or right here and now, at dawn in a quiet house with only his voice resounding in my head "_And what if I don't want to try." _

~oOo~

The next time I open my eyes it is almost three hours later. Harvey is still breathing deeply beside me and I take a minute to just watch him. He looks adorable and the most unkempt I have ever seen him. Hair sticking up to all sides as if he had constantly run his hands through it. He is in need of a haircut and maybe even a shave. I had never seen Harvey with a beard before, facial hair not going with his slick persona, but I must admit that it's growing on me. He looks less like a lawyer and more like a dad.

This right here is all I ever wanted. The life I imagined on those lonely nights at the DAs office or when we started at Pearson Hardman. Back when I still thought Harvey would come around one day and realize that love doesn't come at a price.

I had dreamed about us from time to time. Memories of him in my bed morphed into mornings waking up together, my hands gripping his hair as he kissed his way down my body. Other times, we were cuddling on the couch, fighting over the remote, and ending up in a tickle fest. It wasn't just sex for me. I wanted all of him. The evening strolls in the park, the shared coffee cups, the date nights, the just being together.

I didn't have to live it to know that he would have been the most attentive and downright perfect boyfriend. I believed in him. If only he had believed in himself, too. Instead of me, he married his job. Kept his heart locked away and made himself the best attorney the city had ever seen instead.

How can I be the one who takes that away from him? Be the one who keeps him from the only constant in his life. How can I be responsible for him giving up everything he worked his entire life for? He was born to be a lawyer and New York City is his Mount Olympus. You don't make Michael Jordan join the G League at the height of his career or ask Beethoven to perform _Chopsticks_. Harvey is too good at what he does to ever play in the minors. There is no question he will move mountains for his daughter and be there for her every chance he gets. He loves too deeply to be anything but the best father possible, but we can't let one impulsive decision change the course of the rest of our lives. I found happiness in Seattle, I have friends and a support system here. If I get to live my dream, who am I to stand in the way of Harvey's? He, we, fought too long and too hard to get him to where he is now. His name belongs on the wall of a New York law firm, and it's where his name will stay.

Tearing myself away from Harvey, I lean over towards the other side of the bed. A quick look confirms that Lizzie is already awake, quietly moving her hands, grasping at the air around her. I find her eyes with mine and immediately her mouth starts making a sucking motion.

"Ready for more?"

She stares me down with a look that couldn't be more demanding. I turn on the mobile over her bassinet to keep her distracted for a few more minutes and use the time to dash to the bathroom. My shower will have to wait until later, but I have enough time to splash some water in my face and brush my teeth. Returning to the bedroom, I pick Lizzie up, her fingers closing around mine as I carry her into the nursery for a diaper change.

~oOo~

Lizzie is getting a bit whiny when I carry her downstairs and I immediately settle into my Nursing Chair.

She is just smacking her lips in between switching breasts when I hear a phone ringing somewhere outside the room. My cell is on the charging pad next to me, so it must be Harvey's. Before I can figure out where the ringing is coming from, it stops and I make Lizzie latch on again.

Not even a minute later, the ringing starts up again and the constant cycle of calling and hanging up is making me extremely agitated. Lizzie must have felt the annoyance radiating through me because she lets go of my breast and begins to wail loudly. I take a deep breath to calm down, burp her, cover myself up, and then place her on my shoulder, walking around the house in search of Harvey's phone.

I find it in the study and quickly turn the ringer off before I check who so desperately needs to talk to him. Just when I turn it over to check the screen, it starts vibrating in my hand.

Robert Zane.

Without thinking, I slide my finger over the screen, accepting the call.

"For fuck sake, Harvey. Tell me you're on a flight to New York this very second. Enough playing footsie with your secretary. We are bottoms up and I need you here or there might not be a firm for you to come back to."

"Robert." It was a warning more than anything. "So nice of you to call. How is the family? Donna and my newborn daughter are doing great as well, thank you for asking."

The line stays silent for longer than I expected and I worry for a short moment. Did I overdo it with Harvey's boss?

"Donna." His voice is gruff like always, but there is also a cautious and apologetic tone to it that I'm not used to from him.

"Robert," I reply, friendlier than before. "How can I help you?"

"I need to talk to Harvey. It's urgent."

"Urgent enough that I need to wake him up from his first uninterrupted sleep in at least a week or can it wait for another hour?"

"The 'I need him in the office no later than 8:00 am tomorrow morning' kind of urgent."

I assumed that their phone call yesterday afternoon meant business, but Harvey had time to call his brother and he hasn't said anything to me yet, so I didn't assume the house was on fire.

"What happened?"

"You know I can't tell you that, Red. But believe me, if Harvey doesn't meet his client in person tomorrow, the firm will be in deep shit."

"We both know that the firm is Harvey's whole life, but if you asked him to come yesterday and he's still here today, he has his reasons."

"Donna, this is not a joke." Robert was clearly getting agitated again.

"I never said it was, but no one can make Harvey do anything he doesn't want to."

"I knew you kids were trouble before I even put my name on the wall, but I didn't know you were all idiots as well."

Lizzie makes a disgruntled noise and starts kicking her legs. I try settling her with some soothing sounds and walk back into the living room, putting her down in the Pack 'n Play for the moment.

"I'm not doing this for you, Robert, but because the firm still means something to me. I will talk to Harvey and tell him he should go home today. This is the only favor I will ever grant you and afterward, you will let Harvey do whatever he does however he does it. He didn't have to give up his title for you and yet he did. Because he knows that he is better on the field than coaching from the bench and he didn't get this good by bending to Jessica's will."

"He will be here in the morning?"

"He will be there when he will be there."

"Thank you, Red."

"Goodbye, Robert."

I hang up the phone and throw it on the couch, exhaling loudly. This is not how I expected my morning to go. I take my own phone from the charging pad and put some soothing jazz on before starting the coffee machine.

This phone call was the best reminder of why my decision to stay in Seattle is the right one. I don't want to be angry around my baby. Or have to yell and curse in my family home because clients think they are the center of the universe. Harvey might not be able to relate, but it's not a life for a child and it's not a life for me anymore either. What counts most for me, is my daughter. No job could ever take her place. I take another calming breath and check back in with her, watching her kick about on her mattress. She seems to still be wide awake and fairly happy with her full tummy.

I put a soft blanket on the living room floor and lay Lizzie down on it for some stimulating exercises that I found on the internet.

"Who is the prettiest little girl in all of Seattle?" I tickle my nose against her belly and come back up again to look at her wide-eyed face. "Yes, you are. You are." Lizzie lets out a loud gurgling sound and I laugh at her.

Apparently, she is supposed to be able to imitate some of my expressions but no matter how often I stick my tongue out, she does not copy me. I continue talking to her instead, just like I did when I was still carrying her inside me.

"... I said 'I don't care who you are, you're not getting my grapefruit.' And what did your daddy do? He gave her his grapefruit! Can you believe that?"

I wait for Lizzie to acknowledge my story with another sound and instead she finally sticks her tongue out.

"Right?" I reply to her delightedly. "That's exactly how I reacted too."

Her eyes settle on something behind me and her tiny arms reach high up in the sky. It doesn't even take me a second to realize that Harvey has entered the room. His hands land on my shoulders and he presses a kiss on the crown of my head. I immediately stiffen.

"How are my girls doing this fine morning?"

He drops down on the floor beside me and leans over to pretend nibble on one of Lizzie's feet. In response, she gurgles at him. Harvey's face lights up. She's always so much more responsive to him than to me.

"Can you watch her for a moment so I can get breakfast ready?" I don't wait for a reply but just get up and leave for the kitchen.

I watch father and daughter interact on the floor while I fry some eggs and arrange the toast on a plate. Two cups of vanilla coffee, one normal and one decaf, follow right after.

"I'm sorry I didn't come up last night. Was she okay?"

Harvey walks over to the table, Lizzie lying comfortably in his arms, her eyes now closed. I take her and place her back down to sleep.

"Donna." Harvey grabs my arm as I walk past him without giving him an answer. He pulls me into his chest and I drop my forehead against it, deeply breathing him in. Reveling in every moment that I have left with him. "Are you alright?"

I press myself closer to him but still don't find the words.

"I'm sorry I didn't wake up until now. It won't happen—"

"It's not that," I interrupt him and move my head up so I can look at him. "You haven't had a full night's sleep in over a week. You deserved it."

"You didn't have a full night either."

"I'm the mom, it's my job." I try to pull away from him but he holds me even tighter.

"I'm the dad. It's my job too."

"Your job is it to be an attorney. New York's best attorney."

"I'm a dad first. Seattle's best dad, to be honest." He grins down at me.

"Harvey, Robert called."

He leans back, still holding me tight in his grip.

"What?" His eyes narrow.

"He needs you at home. Tonight." I can tell that he is trying to read my face, so I quickly drop my gaze from his.

"He's got a full army of lawyers at his disposal, why does he need me?"

"It's your client, Harvey." I gently remove his hands from my waist and step back into the kitchen. The island now serving as a physical barrier between us. A fitting metaphor for the continent that will soon separate us again.

"And? He will still be my client in a few days."

"Harvey—"

"I can't believe it!" He throws his arms up in a fury and starts pacing through the living room. "I told him I wanted more time, so he goes behind my back and calls you. Unbelievable!"

"It wasn't like that," I try to calm him down. "He tried calling every five seconds and I only answered because it started to upset Lizzie."

"And now you want me to go," he accuses me.

"I want you to still have a job to go back to."

The look he gives me can only be described as complete annoyance. He might have even rolled his eyes at me.

"If you want to stay, stay. But you will have to look me in the eyes and swear that your job means nothing to you. That you don't care if all you and Jessica have worked for goes down the drain."

"This is bullshit, Donna. I can love my job and not want to leave you and our newborn alone."

"Harvey, I'm giving you permission to go." Even though the words alone break my heart all over again. But I've had his back for too long to stop now.

Harvey points at the bassinet that holds our sleeping daughter. "She's not even two weeks old."

"And you think we won't be fine on our own? I kept you alive for 15 years, I'm sure I will manage her." He doesn't reply, but his face softens. "Harvey," I take a cautious step closer until we are almost chest to chest, "this is what our future will be like. I've come to terms with it and so should you. See this as a trial run. Show Robert that he can count on you. You will have a much better chance of having him agree to a lighter schedule if you need it."

His arms lock around my waist and he pulls me back into his chest. His cheek comes to rest against my temple and I hear him breathe me in.

"When do I have to go?"

"He needs you there in the morning."

He presses his fingers to his mouth, lightly shaking his head in contemplation.

"I'm going to take the last flight out of Sea-Tac tonight, but this is the last time I will let Robert Zane dictate my life."

~oOo~

** Harvey's POV**

I had hoped that I would be able to spend my last day in Seattle with both of my girls, but Donna said she didn't feel well enough for another outing and as she gave me the chance to sleep in, I wanted her to be able to catch up on some sleep too. She suggested an early lunch with my mom and the idea suited me well, wanting to talk to her anyway.

I was glad I didn't have to take Lizzie out all by myself but I still told Donna to get comfortable on the couch with a book because I was definitely able to get our daughter ready while waiting for my mom to pick us up.

20 minutes later, the doorbell rings, and I sprint to open it before Donna can even think about getting up.

"Hey, mom. I just need to get Lizzie in the car seat and we are ready to go."

"No rush, Harvey," she greets me, "I need to ask Donna something before we leave anyway."

She follows me into the family room and I re-check the diaper bag, scared I may have forgotten something.

My mom greets Donna with a kiss on the cheek and they immediately start talking about clothes, Donna's favorite topic.

"I was meaning to ask if you know of any good outlets or boutiques where I can find a good bargain? It's mine and Bobby's 15th anniversary this year and I would love to surprise him with something special."

"And you expect to find that in Seattle?" Donna jokes and Lily replies with a laugh.

"From what Harvey has told me, you will sniff out the best stores in any city."

"She could find a boutique in Antarctica," I join in.

"I have never heard you complain about my wardrobe, Mister, so shush."

I wink at her, getting lost in the thoughts of zippers and low cut dresses. As much as I enjoy seeing Donna dressed down and in comfortable clothes, I am also looking forward to finally getting the chance to unzip her one day soon. There was that blue dress the day I got my name on the wall or the burgundy one she wore in the office on the opening night of _Merchant of Venice_...

"As luck would have it," Donna continues her conversation with my mom, "I know of a wonderful consignment store downtown, _Alexandra's_. They took all my work dresses from New York."

What? I let go of the diaper bag and turn to Donna.

"You gave away your dresses? Why?"

"I can't wear them anymore, Harvey, why keep them?" It almost looks like she has tears welling in her eyes. Why give them away if it makes her this sad?

"But you love your dresses," I argue. "I know that the clinic is less formal, but I can't believe they wouldn't let you dress professionally. They could use a bit of class, I'm sure."

"It's not about the clinic." Her tone is agitated now. "It's about me."

"Exactly," I agree. "And you're Donna. You can't be _Donna_ without your tight, custom fit, designer dresses."

She jumps up, her face full of fury, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Then I guess I'm not _Donna_ anymore," she spits at me. "Lily," she turns to my mom, her voice only slightly calmer, "I will text you the address for the store. Have fun with Lizzie."

Donna walks towards me but squeezes herself close to the bassinet to not accidentally touch me when saying goodbye to our daughter. She drops a kiss on Lizzie's forehead and rushes up the stairs.

I look after her, taken aback by the last two minutes.

"What was that?" I ask my mom, irritated.

"Sweetheart," she gets up and walks over to me, "I know you might not be able to see it, but she's not the same Donna you knew from before. Motherhood and pregnancy change a woman. Those dresses you love? She most likely won't fit into them again anytime soon. She's not 24 anymore, her body doesn't just bounce back like that. On top of hormones wreaking havoc inside of her, restless nights, and a body that doesn't feel like her own anymore, I'm surprised she hasn't snapped sooner."

"But she looks amazing. She's Donna. She always looks amazing." I shake my head, not understanding where my mother is coming from.

"I don't think she feels very _Donna_ right now."

"Maybe I should go talk to her." I make my way to the staircase but my mom stops me with her hand on my arm.

"Give her some time to herself. You can apologize later."

"Apologize? But I've done no—"

Mom taps my arm lightly. "Oh, Harvey. You still have so much to learn…"

Without another word, she puts Lizzie in her car seat and walks out, leaving me standing slack-jawed in the living room.

~oOo~

With it being too early for lunch, we decide on a walk first. Mom still wants to check out that store Donna suggested later and I just can't tell her no. Not like I wasn't used to being the bag carrier from the countless shopping trips Donna made me take in our early days. Looking back at my sleeping daughter in her car seat, I worry about my bank account. Is being a shopaholic genetic?

The drive downtown only takes a few minutes and after parking, we make our way through a residential area as we discuss Lizzie's development and Mom's retirement plans.

"But you love your job, why would you want to give it up?" I am surprised about the news she just presented me with.

"I have been on the wrong side of 60 for too long now and I want to enjoy the rest of the time that I have left with Bobby. Travel, spend more time here with my newest grandchild, give more attention to my hobbies."

"But art is your hobby."

"And I will be able to enjoy it even more when not in the classroom. Taking the teacher out of the traditional school setting doesn't change her profession. Maybe I will take on some private students. I'm open to whatever comes my way."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you will do great." I give her a warm smile and stop to pull her into a hug. "My daughter is very lucky to have you as a grandma."

"And all your future babies, too."

"Moooom," I cry out, letting go of her. "Mind your words or I will make you live in one of these." I point at the retirement home right behind us.

She huffs and pushes the stroller further along down the road.

"Don't get any ideas. Although, it does seem to be a nice area." She stops in front of the family home right next to the Senior Living Center, examining it closely. "You and Donna could move in right here. It's practically made for you." She winks at me and keeps on walking.

The house in question is a bright red two-story, and apart from the fact that the color reminds me of Donna's hair, it doesn't look like anything either one of us would ever want to live in. I shake my head at my mom's absurdity and follow behind her. I haven't even taken my second step when I see it. Proudly displayed on the porch railing hangs a large sign that reads _Adam Matthews - Attorney at Law_. A private practice?

"Who is getting ideas now?" I yell after my mom before falling into a jog to catch up with her. We spend the rest of the walk to the Bay in silence, both lost in our own thoughts now.

~oOo~

"So you really haven't noticed that Donna isn't being herself around you?" My mom picks up our earlier conversation again.

"Not before today, no. Should I have noticed a difference?"

By now, we've reached the waterfront and I've taken over the stroller again.

"Unless she's secretly Wonder Woman and doesn't experience pregnancy and childbirth like us mere mortals, I'm sure you should have noticed a few changes at least."

"I don't think she would like you comparing her to normal people. Donna is anything but and she's really proud of that." I laugh, imagining what Donna's face would look like if she had heard Lily's comment.

"As she should be. Only a special person could fix what I have broken. And Harvey," she reaches out her arm to grab mine, making us both stop, "she is very special."

The look she gives me, I have only seen one other time. It's a mixture of fear and silent determination. Fear that I would throw my life away with one wrong decision and determination to save me from myself. The last time she looked at me this way was when I lost my baseball scholarship and was ready to drop out of college before classes had even started. If this is how she feels about Donna and me, and us making it work in Seattle, she won't like the next few words that are going to leave my mouth.

I turn towards the water and prop my arms up on the metal railing. I sneak a look at my sleeping daughter before letting my gaze glide over the Sound. Growing up in Boston, three years in Cambridge, and a condo close to Riverside Park has made me very appreciative of the calming nature of a waterfront. It has always been a source of comfort to me, but unfortunately, Elliot Bay has no soothing qualities to me today.

"Mom, I'm leaving."

There is no immediate reply and for a moment I wonder if she has even heard me. That is until I feel the anger radiating from right beside me.

"Please say that again and this time make sure the word 'not' is in the middle of that sentence!"

"Mom—" I turn towards her. Despite her being so much shorter than me, she looks mighty terrifying.

"Harvey, what has gotten into you?" She doesn't yell but I think it stems more from the fact that we're out in public than a lack of fury. "Why are you breaking this wonderful woman's heart again?"

"Excuse me?" Now it is my turn to be irritated. "This was not my idea."

"It sure as hell couldn't have been Donna's."

"It might as well have been." I press the palm of my hands against my eyes and utter a frustrated cry as I let go. "It's not like she's actually trying to make me stay."

"Of course she wants you to stay. She explicitly told me that—" Mom stops herself mid-sentence.

"She explicitly told you what?" I ask exasperated.

"Harvey, just tell me what is going on."

"My firm called. We have this big client who is about to lose their company if I don't intervene. They need me."

"And you can't help them from here?"

"Don't you think I would stay if I could?"

"I actually don't know, Harvey. Would you?"

"Excuse me? I dropped everything to be here for Donna before I even knew what was happening. But I have a life back home, too. Donna knows that."

"So you are just moving back to New York?"

"I'm not _moving. _I am _going home_ for a week." I have to hold myself back from raising my voice to make her understand that I'm not abandoning my family. "Actually, I was going to ask you to stay with Donna until I'm back."

"Harvey, I have Bobby and classes—"

"Mom, please," I interrupt her. "I know Donna can look after herself, but I would feel so much better knowing she'd have you by her side. Especially considering her mom can't be here."

"I would have to call the college and —"

"So you'll do it?" I ask, suddenly hopeful.

I'm the recipient of one of Lily Specter's infamous stern looks and my timid smile turns into a grimace.

"I'm doing this for Donna. Because she's special and I would love the chance to get to know her better."

"Thank you, Mom." I pull her into a tight hug.

"But, Harvey, you better be back after that week. One week!"

"Wild stallions couldn't keep me away." I throw a loving look at Lizzie before linking arms with my mom, leading her in the direction of that dreaded clothing store.

~oOo~

"Do you really need me to come in with you?" I eye the entrance to the consignment store warily. "I'm sure you would enjoy it much more by yourself, and Lizzie and I can just wait at the restaurant for you."

"Harvey, don't be such a wuss, they're just clothes." My mom pulls me by the arm into the store and I begin to wonder when she and Donna switched bodies.

"It won't even be 10 minutes, I promise."

I've been shopping with Donna often enough to know that 10 minutes never really means 10 minutes, so I push Lizzie's stroller to the middle of the shop floor and sit down in one of the gray armchairs they must have put up for waiting husbands, or in my case, waiting sons. Browsing the reading material on display, I hope to find something to keep me occupied but there is nothing but fashion magazines. I lean back into the chair and will myself to not get annoyed. It's not even been a minute and I'm already bored. Even Lizzie is still sleeping and can't offer me a distraction.

I let my eyes roam through the store, trying to find Lily in between all the racks. I don't see her, but a blonde woman about my age catches my attention. She is frantically pushing hangers aside, checking clothes and tags as if her life depended on it.

"Excuse me, Miss," she stops a sales employee, "do you have more dresses left from Seller #12672?"

The shop assistant smiles and explains that she will go look in the system. A short moment later, she returns and leads the customer to the rack right next to where I'm sitting.

"Last week I bought this stunning burgundy Roland Mouret and sky blue Dolce & Gabbana and apparently they were from the same seller and an exact fit," the lady explains excitedly while the saleswoman searches through the rack.

"We should have a short black Valentino and a royal blue Dior left." A moment later, she pulls both dresses from the rack, holding them out in front of the blonde.

"I'll try the Valentino. The Dior is a bit too bland." The woman practically snatches the black dress out of the employee's hand and sashays to the fitting rooms.

I don't really see what makes any of these dresses either bland or exciting, but all I know about fashion is what I learned from observing Donna over the years. The saleswoman is about to hang the dress back up when I actually take a look at it. It's straight, royal blue, and sleeveless with soft curved lines leading into a deep V-neck. I feel like I have seen it before. No, I know I have seen it before.

"Wait!" I stop the woman in her movement and quickly stand up. "Can I take a look at that dress?"

She hands it over to me and walks off again. I hold the garment before me, taking in every line and stitching. I can't believe it.

"Found something you like?" My mom's voice jolts me out of my stupor, the humor in her voice unmistakable.

"This is... Donna's."

"It is a beautiful dress." Lily takes a closer look. "I can see why you think it suits her."

"No, you don't get it. This _is _Donna's dress. She owned it. I've seen her wearing it," my mouth goes dry, "and beautiful doesn't even begin to cover it."

"You should get it for her," Lily suggests.

"I don't know." I shake my head. "She gave it away for a reason. I don't know why she'd want it back."

"Seems like it's connected to a happy memory for you, maybe the same would be true for her and she would appreciate having it returned."

"I wouldn't call it a happy memory. Technically, we weren't even on speaking terms at the time."

"And yet you remember it?"

"I was sitting in a divorce settlement conference listening to a disgruntled husband talk about how he'd given up everything for his wife. How he'd let all his own dreams for the future take a back seat to hers." With a heavy sigh, I close my eyes for a moment and I can see it like it was yesterday. "Through the glass walls, I watched as Donna handed something to the receptionist across the hall and it just clicked." Turning to face my mom, I continue. "I had been so upset with her because not long before that, she left my desk to work for Louis. I thought she had chosen him over me. But in that moment, I realized that she didn't choose him, she chose herself. Maybe for the first time since I met her, instead of doing what was best for me, she did what was best for her." I lift the dress up a bit higher and take it all in. "All those years… she sacrificed everything for me and I just took it for granted."

"Have you ever told her that story?"

"No." I scoff. "She has no idea."

"Maybe now is the time." She lays her hand on my arm. "And this dress just might be the perfect way to start that conversation."

I take another long look at the garment and then at our sleeping daughter. Donna's sacrifice brought us here and truly gave us a chance to have everything. Putting my hand on the stroller, I push it towards the register, the dress still clutched in my hand. I've waited way long enough to tell her how grateful I am for all she's done.

~oOo~

The house is quiet when Lizzie and I return home. I left my shopping bag with my mom and she said she would smuggle the dress into the house while I'm gone.

"Donna?" I call out, a cranky Lizzie scrunching up her face, waiting to be fed.

"In the nursery," I hear her holler from the second floor and we make our way up, Lizzie's whimpering now turning into full-on screaming.

Donna is sitting in the rocking chair, a large book on her lap, and her trusty 4 colors BIC pen in between her lips.

"Hey." She smiles up at us, seemingly over our earlier argument. She puts the book and pen on the dresser and reaches her hands out for Lizzie. "Mama missed you so much." Donna pulls the baby close to her chest, breathing her in. Lizzie immediately starts rooting and Donna unbuttons the shirt she's wearing to nurse. "Was she good?" she addresses me once the baby has latched on.

"She was great. We fed her right before lunch and then she slept up until we walked into the house. How about you? Enjoy the peace and quiet?"

"Honestly, it was a bit weird. I haven't been separated from her for almost 10 months now and it felt a bit lonely. It will be a big change when you're gone, too."

"About that," I lean against the dresser, "I asked my mom to stay in Seattle while I'm gone."

"Harvey—" Donna starts protesting.

"I know," I interrupt her, "you don't need help. But I will feel better knowing you don't have to do everything by yourself. Consider it at least? For me?"

She doesn't answer for a moment, but rather occupies herself with Lizzie's feet and the sock she is about to lose.

"Okay." She nods. But it seems a bit resigned.

"Thank you." I lean down and give her a kiss on the forehead.

"She should take the guest room. No need to have her stay at a hotel when she's here to keep me company."

"She'll love that."

My eyes fall to the book Donna wrote into when I came in. "What is this?"

"It's the Baby Book. Haven't I shown it to you?"

"I've never seen it before." I pick up the book and start flipping through the pages.

"It's about her first year of life but also has some pages on the pregnancy. You can write development achievements in it, her firsts and favorites, put pictures in it, and write down some hopes and dreams for her future. I hadn't put the information her doctor gave us at her first-week check-up in yet, so I did it just now."

I find the page for the first visit to the pediatrician and am immediately reminded of that awful day last week that left my girls in tears.

"_Miss Paulsen? Dr. Periolat will see you now."_

_We get up from the waiting room chair and I pick up the car seat that is standing by my feet. The nurse is already leading the way into the exam room. _

_The room is bright and colorful with life-size drawings of _Toy Story _on the wall. I can't really remember what pediatric offices looked like when I was a kid, but I'm sure they weren't as welcoming as this one. _

_The nurse asks us to put Lizzie up on the exam table and to undress her down to her diaper. While usually a very calm and quiet baby, Lizzie isn't having any of it. She cries and screams throughout the whole experience and before the nurse can even measure her or take her weight, we have to bundle her up in a blanket and hold her close to soothe her. _

_Donna already has tears in her eyes and I am feeling extremely uncomfortable when the door opens again and the pediatrician comes in. _

_Dr. Periolat, a pretty dark-haired lady in her mid-40s, is greeting Donna, and I quickly introduce myself. _

"_This must be Baby Lillian." She leans toward Lizzie in Donna's arms and waits for her to grab one of the doc's outstretched fingers. _

"_Good initial reflexes. You already passed Test Number 1. Good job."_

_Lizzie is still whimpering and hiccuping irregularly but seems intrigued by this new person right before her. Dr. Periolat emanates a very cheerful and warmhearted_ _vibe and I can see why Donna chose her as Lizzie's doctor. _

_The pediatrician takes over from the nurse and with some encouraging words and gentle handling, she is able to measure and weigh our girl. _

"_7 pounds even, good weight for one week." _

"_She lost 10 ounces?" I ask the doctor, shocked. "But she eats all day."_

_The doctor chuckles and her eyes twinkle. "It's completely normal for newborns to lose weight in the first week. It's just fluids. She will quickly gain it again in the coming weeks. Do you breastfeed?"_

_Donna nods. "Usually every 2 hours."_

"_Daily bowel movement?" The doctor asks while continuing to examine the baby's movements and reflexes. _

"_Definitely more than once a day," I confirm instantly. _

"_So Daddy is on diaper duty?" _

"_I don't really know how to bond with her otherwise," I admit, surprised by my honesty with a stranger. _

"_Caring for her is a great start. Bonding with the mother comes easier, especially when breastfeeding. At one point, Donna can start pumping and you can bottle feed Lillian yourself. Until then, talk to her and get as much skin-to-skin contact as you can. Cuddling allows your baby to hear your heartbeat and learn your smell, just like they do with mothers when they breastfeed."_

_Dr. Periolat moves Lizzie's arms and legs around, puts her on her stomach to see if she can lift her head for a moment, and tests her hearing and eyes. Like a true Specter, Lizzie passes with flying colors. Despite her initial discomfort, she seems to be in high spirits. That is until it's time for her HepB shot. _

_Not knowing what's about to happen, she doesn't move a muscle when the syringe comes her way but as soon as the tip has left the flesh of her thigh, she lets out her loudest cry yet. _

_She wails and screams and kicks her little legs. _

_Donna picks her up at once but all swaying and soothing sounds do nothing. I stand helpless next to my girls, watching their eyes fill with tears and their breathing stock. I swiftly take our daughter from her, press the baby close to my chest and pull Donna into my free arm. I don't even know who to comfort first, so I just rock them both back and forth, whispering calming words into their ears. _

_I don't know how much time has passed but when I next look up, the doctor and nurse have left the room, giving us a chance to pull ourselves together. _

Lizzie had cried herself to sleep before we even left the office. Donna went through a whole pack of tissues and then nodded off on the drive back to the house.

I checked and there shouldn't be any more shots coming up in the next few months, so I hopefully don't have to worry about their appointment next week while I'm in New York.

Donna is finishing with Lizzie and we put her down for yet another nap. I never knew that babies slept this much but with them waking every 2 hours for nursing, your day is full and despite me being used to long hours, I have never felt this exhausted.

I never used to nap in all my life but these days, I take every opportunity I can to shut my eyes for a moment. With the both of us in bed now, I hold Donna that extra bit tighter, knowing I won't get the opportunity again for a whole seven nights.

~oOo~

The rest of the day flies by. We give Lizzie a bit more tummy time, move my mom into the guest room and Robert calls again, asking me to look over some files before the meeting tomorrow. I wanted to spend every waking moment I had left with my daughter, so I set up camp in the rocking chair in the nursery, working the rest of the day from there.

And then evening falls and it's time for me to leave. Donna booked me a 10:40 pm flight out of SeaTac, which should get me to the office by 8 am tomorrow morning.

"Fucking Robert Zane."

"Harvey, language!" My mom yells from the kitchen.

Donna and I are standing in the hallway with Lizzie in my arms, and I have already dragged the goodbye out for ten minutes. The cab should arrive any second but I am not ready to let go of my girls yet.

"Are you sure, I can't take her as hand luggage?" I hold Lizzie out in front of me, evaluating her size. "I think she would fit into my bag."

"Harvey, she's not a support animal."

"No, but she is a piece of me. And how can I leave her behind?"

"You are not leaving her behind. You are leaving her in the very capable hands of me and your mom."

"I know that, but it still feels strange not having her with me."

"You won't be thinking that when she wakes you up at 2 am with a poopy diaper." Donna laughs. "But why don't you take the Baby Book?"

"You know that's not the same, right." I grin at her, holding my hand up around my waist. "Baby Book." I wave my hand back and forth before raising it overhead, repeating the motion. "Actual baby."

Donna rolls her eyes at me and draws out a long sigh. "You could fill out some of the pages in there. About you, your family, and the hopes you have for her future."

I consider it for a moment. It would be nice to keep a memento with me and I will have time on the flight to fill out the book.

do have time to fill out the book.

I pass Lizzie over to Donna and make my way upstairs, taking two steps at a time.

"Oh and Harvey?" Donna calls after me. "It might be a good idea for you to grab your laptop as well."

"My laptop is right there with my lug—" I let my eyes roam around the front hallway in search of my bag. I come up empty and my gaze finds Donna's smug face.

"It's still on the nursery floor."

"You would have let me fly without my laptop?"

"I'm not your mother," Donna jokes.

"I heard that!" Lily yells from the kitchen again.

These women will be the death of me.

I rush into the nursery, finding my laptop, and all my files spread out on the floor where I left them before dinner. From downstairs, I can hear the cab honking. Shit.

The Baby Book isn't on the dresser where I last saw it, so I turn to the shelf, pushing the books on it to the side in search of it.

"Harvey?" Donna calls up to me. "The cab's here."

"I'm coming!" I yell back.

In my haste, I tug on one of the books too hard and they all come tumbling down.

"Motherf—"

But at least I have the Baby Book now. It landed right on my papers.

Quickly, I gather the files together, shoving them into the book and then into my laptop bag, before racing down again.

Donna is standing in the open doorway, Lizzie clutched tightly in her arms.

"I left a mess upstairs, I'm sorry," I apologize to Donna. I give my mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then lean down to Lizzie.

"Be good for Mama and Grammy, okay? Daddy loves you." I press a long kiss to her forehead and take in one last whiff of her baby smell.

"And Daddy loves you, too," I say to Donna with a wink before pulling her in for a kiss. "I will call you from the airport to say goodnight."

With a heavy heart, I take my bags and carry them down the steps to the waiting cab and get in.

As we pull away from the curb, Donna lifts Lizzie's arm and makes her wave goodbye. I raise my hand to wave back, as they slowly become smaller and smaller, the further we get up the road.

I never understood the fuss around goodbyes, but for the first time, it truly feels like I'm leaving a piece of me behind.


End file.
